I hate New Year's Resolutionists. They can't keep promises. They put themselves, and to some extent others, in danger. They are slow. They can't tell time. They overexert themselves. They are rude. They take up all of the available parking spaces. They hog the machines. Some require emergency medical attention. In fact, the only good thing about Resolutionists is that they eventually go away like a bad case of jock itch when you have the right cream.
Now, I am not talking about visiting family members that overstay their welcome. Nor, am I talking about slimy politicians running for office. I am talking about the oblong and out-of-shape individuals who descend upon fitness centers in the month of January like it's a McDonald's restaurant at lunch time.
They come to fulfill a promise they made during the holidays. Resolutionists need to drop some weight, get in shape, tone up, slim down, fight the flab, and battle the bulge. Just looking at them, it is obvious they need to do something. Unfortunately, the same compulsion that helped them form the shape they have now is the same one that will prevent them from changing it. But try, they must.
Now I think it's great that Resolutionists want to make a change. I just wish they would do it somewhere else. I started working out in the 1997, just after I graduated from college and got a job. Sun has fitness centers at its major campuses which I used three or four times a week. I first noticed the Resolutionists in January 1998. And every January they return... again.
The really weird thing is that Resolutionists appear out of nowhere but vanish just as quickly. Most years they are gone by the end of January or middle of February. My original theory as that they just passed out from exhaustion on the StairMaster machines and the fitness center staff called the ambulance service to take them away. The staff is trained to take care of these types of problems quickly and quietly, so the members never hear about it. I mean that is why the clubs always ask for an emergency contact number, isn't it? Sadly, it turns out that the Resolutionist attitude is the primary problem.
Did you know that staying in shape is hard work? Apparently, Resolutionists don't. Most don't even know that they are Resolutionists. The first step in solving this problem is admitting you are Resolutionist. But how do you know when you are one? I am here to help.
I put together a list of statements that will help you determine if you are a Resolutionist. They are inspired by Jeff Foxworthy's comedy.
If any of this are true, you might be a Resolutionist. Seek help immediately.
Send me email if you have others to contribute.