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Yucks Digest V4 #11 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 3 Apr 94 Volume 4 : Issue 11
Today's Topics:
"Hoist"! That's "hoist"!
'Make Money Fast' Scam
Account Intervention Policies
A commentary on life
Cisco aquires Sears
Cookies
Eggvertising
FROM: [alt.consumers.free-stuff] MAKE A SHITLOAD OF CASH....FAST!!!!
FROM: [alt.locksmithing] Re: Master Lock
It's Not a Nuclear Plant, It's a Fungus
Learning how good you have it, was compilers in COBOL...
MARCH 1994 WORD OF THE MONTH
Most Dangerous Woman
Newest Borg...FROM: alt.french.captain.borg.borg.borg
No candy this lane (original)
Oregon == Portugal?
Outrage in Dallas
Pentium Rotisserie Attachment
Quote of the day
RFC1607 on A View from the 21st Century
Risks of washroom automation (Erma Bombeck)
Spin control at its finest
Theology at its Finest
The OSI Pizza Model
The private life of Tolkien
Yucks Digest V4 #10 (shorts)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: desrosde@oasis.gtefsd.com (Donald Desrosiers)
Subject: "Hoist"! That's "hoist"!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
The recent thread regarding "hoist by his own petard" has produced
many interesting items. Most noteably that a petard was an explosive
device used in the Middle Ages. However, I have not seen anyone who
has explained where the word "petard" actually came from.
As any scholar of both etymology and ancient warefare will tell you,
the word "petard" is of French origin (as are most military words). It
is a combination of the verb peter (to break wind) and canard (a
duck). Translated fully, this device was known as a "farting duck".
This is probably due to it's approximate size and shape and the
sound it made when it exploded. Warriors of this period lived in fear
of animal projectiles and being struck with animal by-products,
particularly of a scatalogical nature. The scene in "The Holy Grail"
where the defenders of the besieged French castle countered the
English attack by catapaulting a variety of small animals may
come to mind here. As you will recall, when the French catapaultiers shouted,
"Fetchez la vache.", the English fled in terror. While humorous, the scene was
substantially accurate in a historic sense.
I hope this answers everyone's questions.
[Well, not exactly...but maybe that is for the better. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 04:52:38 GMT
From: purvis@hoover.fbi.gov (Melvin Purvis)
Subject: 'Make Money Fast' Scam
Newsgroups: news.announce.important
[Moderator's note: this posting is approved on behalf of the FBI,
which has stepped in to investigate the massive spree of fraud
being committed by the MAKE.MONEY.FAST posters.]
To the USENET Community:
You may be familiar with a rash of postings to various newsgroups
by various entities purporting to describe a scheme by Mr. David
Rhodes of Oxford, Kentucky on the subject of "Make Money Fast."
These schemes have as their theme a list of people to whom you,
the mark, should send money -- followed by reposting of the
article with your name added to the list. In this wise, the scam
purports, everyone who participates will become fabulously rich.
The FBI wishes to inform you that under no circumstances should
you:
1) Believe that this scam will work. It won't. It's a
classic con principle to promise massive returns on
your meager investment.
2) Participate in the re-posting of the article. If you do
so, you are guilty of a Class IV felony.
3) Propagate this scam further in any way.
We wish to further inform you that cases are pending in the
federal courts against several individuals who disregarded U.S.
statutes and attempted to defraud their fellow citizens.
Finally, we wish to inform you that David Rhodes himself is in a
Federal Correctional Institution for his part in the origination
of this scam and will not see the light of day until the year
1997, barring parole or pardon from higher authority.
Thank you for doing everything you can to stamp out this scam.
Confidence men benefit no one but themselves. Don't fall victim
to schemes like this.
Sincerely,
Melvin Purvis, FBI
------------------------------
Date: Mon Mar 28 10:32:05 CST 1994
From: some_agent@wimc.waco.tx.batf.gov (Agent #####)
Subject: Account Intervention Policies
To: spaf@wimc.waco.tx.batf.gov
From: paul@fusion.demon.co.uk (Paul Ashton)
|In article <2168@rook.ukc.ac.uk> jdw5@ukc.ac.uk (J.D.Watson) writes:
|:
|:In article <CMt2o6.E4y@aston.ac.uk>, David Brain <braindl@aston.ac.uk> wrote:
|:>For an interesting account locking policy how about.....
|:>
|:>After a recent "incedent" on our system, the systems
|:>administration locked the account of the user involved,
|:>his brother, his freinds, and several other seemingly
|:>unrelated people. This could be considered a slight
|:>over-reatcion?
|:
|:Thats nothing At one place I worked, (not UKC) a guy was involved in something
|:slightly dubious :), and his a/c suspended the a/cs of *ALL* his workmates,
|:people who came from the same town, and anyone who worked for the organisation
|:with the same surname.
|
|*YOU WERE LUCKY*!. When I wuz a lad, I ls'ed /etc and the sysadmin suspended
|my account, all my friends, relatives, workmates and countrymen, deleted
|every file on every disk of every user that had an 'e' in it (somewhere),
|changed the password of every account to a random unrecorded string
|(containing nulls), dd'ed /dev/zero to each disk and all back up tapes....
Bunch wusses. Here at BATF Waco, we have a MUCH better solution.
Don't believe it? Try us. Finger us.
Go ahead. Make our day.
-[name deleted for national security reasons]
Waco Internet Monitoring Cluster System Administrator
------------------------------
Date: 28 Mar 1994 17:35:59 GMT
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: A commentary on life
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Radio Shack is America's technology store.
And that, in one short sentence, describes everything that is wrong
with America's technology.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 10:45:02 EST
From: mha@baka.ithaca.ny.us (Mark Anbinder)
Subject: Cisco aquires Sears
To: werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu (Werner Uhrig)
Subject: Cisco aquires Sears
Company contact: Agency contacts:
Randall Sutherland William Orrange
Cisco Systems, Inc. Janis Ulevich
(415) 555-8847 Ulevich & Orrange, Inc.
(415) 555-1590
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CISCO ACQUIRES SEARS AND ROEBUCK
CISCO TO SHIP NEW ROUTER MODELS
SAN JOSE, Calif., Apr. 1, 1994 -- In a surprise move, Cisco Systems has
acquired retailer Sears and Roebuck. In an attempt to bring routers into
retail outlets, Cisco will be selling its 7000, 4000, 3000, and 2500 series
routers under the Craftsman brand name. The original Craftsman routers
models will continue to ship, and the two product lines will be merged to
provide Dual Mode Routing.
Sears and Roebuck, the former catalog giant has been plagued recently by
financial difficulties and recently discontinued its catalog service.
Acquisition by Cisco will provide Sears with a much needed capital infusion,
as well valuable access into the consumer data communications market.
"For Cisco, this purchase represents a great way for us to eliminate the
product confusion between our two companies and promote safe routing", says
John Morgridge, president of Cisco. Eye protection will be shipped standard
with all new router models.
Dual Mode Routing: Remote Woodworking Finally Arrives
In third quarter of 1995, the new merged models will provide Dual Mode
Routing, in which data packets can be reshaped based on the configuration
supplied by the network administrator. A series of visually pleasing packet
shapes will be included in Cisco software for easy user configuration. A
new wood interface is also being developed for the router, which will accept
the new twelve inch wide by one inch thick media standard. The new
interface is expected to route 100M itty-bits per second, which will double
the capacity of existing Craftsman routers. Cisco will be incorporating new
sawdust reassembly hardware, which will enable the router to transmit the
fragmented media across data networks and deliver the reassembled media at
the remote site. The new technology is a breakthrough for remote
woodworking applications, says Norm Abrams, Cisco Product Manager of Fiber
Internetworking.
Sears and Roebuck, Inc., is a major Chicago-based retailer, with a large
chain of department stores, specializing in family apparel, hardware, and
financial services. In the United States, Sears is listed on the New York
Stock Exchange under the trading symbol S.
Cisco Systems, Inc., is the leading worldwide supplier of high-performance,
multimedia and multiprotocol internetworking products, including routers,
bridges, workgroup systems, internetwork servers, and router management
software. Cisco technology is used to build enterprise-wide networks
linking an unlimited number of geographically dispersed LANs, WANs and IBM
SNA networks. In the United States, Cisco is traded over the counter under
the NASDAQ symbol CSCO.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 31 Mar 1994 02:46:04 GMT
From: lungtt@gus.ecn.purdue.edu (Terence T. Lung)
Subject: Cookies
Newsgroups: purdue.general
[A fairly good response for a new rash of the "overcharged for
cookie recipe" from Mrs. Fields/Neiman-Marcus/etc. --spaf]
This cookie story reminds me...
A few years ago I was touring the Jet Propulsion Lab and they showed
me a prototype of the Hubble Space Telescope. "Pretty cool machine,
guys," I said, "but is there anyway us amateur astronomers can get in
on this kind of action?" They said yes, plans for the HST were
available through the gift shop. "How much?" I asked. They said
"Fifty." I said "Great! Here's my American Express Plutonium Card!"
I picked up the plans and went home, happy as a clam, until I got my
American Express bill. The total amount due was $50,119.00! I
figured the $119 must have been from one of these Northwest student
ticket vouchers, but where was that $50,000 from? Only then did I
realize that JPL had charged me, no fifty dollars, but fifty THOUSAND
dollars. Boy was I mad. But it was too late to return the plans and
get my fifty thousand dollars back, so I just chalked it up to
experience. But now I'm getting my revenge... I asked the folks at
the JPL copyright office if I could give the plans out to all my
friends and they said, "Heck, why not? What do we need with
royalties? Tell the world!" So I've written up the key steps here.
Please post them to every bboard you can think of and mail them to all
your friends. Remember, if you break the chain you'll get seven years
of bad sunspot interference.
You will need:
1 launch vehicle.
126 "Master Constructor" Erector Sets(tm).
1 Radio Shack(tm) Pro-2001 scanner.
1 2-meter block of glass.
1 box of aluminum foil.
4 sheets of #20 (coarse) sandpaper.
4 sheets of #150 (fine) sandpaper.
2 children's magnifying glasses.
(optional) filters and instrumentation as needed.
Instructions:
1. Using the erector sets, construct a superstructure capable of
supporting a 2-meter mirror and whatever instrumentation you will
be using. Make sure that the superstructure can survive the
G-forces during launch. Don't be tempted to skimp on the nuts and
bolts here.
2. Using the #20 sandpaper, grind the block of glass until it takes
on the shape of a convex mirror. Be very careful in this step
because if you get the shape wrong you'll have to start over
again. Use the #150 sandpaper to smooth out any irregularities
and fix any minor problems with the focus. Then melt the aluminum
foil and vacuum deposit 1-2 atomic layers of aluminum on the
surface of the mirror. Mount the mirror in its place in the
superstructure.
3. Mount the children's magnifying glasses at the focal point of the
mirror. These will serve as an eyepiece for your instruments.
4. Open the back of the Pro-2001 scanner. There will be a 16-pin
chip on the upper left of the circuit board labelled 1Y1169AV.
Carefully clip out the fourth pin on the left and remove it from
the chip. This will convert your Pro-2001 scanner into the usually
much more expensive Pro-2010 scanner with orbital transceiver
capabilities. Close the back of the scanner, check that the
batteries are in place, mount it in the superstructure, and
connect it to your instruments.
5. Make one last check of everything and you're ready to launch!
This is a true story, every bit of it, I swear on my father's sister's
grave. Even if it isn't, I hope that you get as much use and
enjoyment out of your home-built Hubble Space Telescope as I have from
mine!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Mar 1994 16:23:10 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Eggvertising
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "James W. Williams" <williams@bolero.gsfc.nasa.gov>
Forwarded-by: Fred Blonder <fred@nasirc.hq.nasa.gov>
Forwarded-by: Dave.Leibold@f730.n250.z1.fidonet.org (Dave Leibold)
Subject: New BT Advertising is No Yolk
{Reuter} reports that British Telecommunications PLC will advertise on
eggs. The idea of "eggvertising" is that non-toxic ink is applied to
the egg shells. In this case, BT wants to plug reduced daytime call
charges. The report didn't state how much BT will shell out for this
campaign. One has to wait to see if this marketing is what it's
cracked up to be, being in a scramble to poach on its competition.
(ref: {The Toronto Star} 25 March 1994)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Mar 94 21:37:33 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: FROM: [alt.consumers.free-stuff] MAKE A SHITLOAD OF CASH....FAST!!!!
To: spaf
In response to make money fast, a get rich quick scheme
inappropriately posted to many newsgroups...
cdash
Newsgroups: alt.consumers.free-stuff
From: stile@lamar.ColoState.EDU (Joshua Morris)
well, i finally figured out a way to make a lot of money fast.
see, one day, i was sitting around moping about how i had no
money to spend. then it dawned on me. i found a few sure fire
ways to make a lot of money fast. now, ill give them to you,
cause i want to share the wealth.
1. rob a bank-now this may sound dangerous, but if you get away,
then hell, you become a rich man, and if not, then you get
free meals and clothing and housing in your local jail.
2. RANSOM!!! find a wealth person in your neighborhood, take a member
of their family hostage, and hold them for ransom.
easiest million youll ever make.
What not to do:
POST STUPID FUCKING ASS MAKE.MONEY.FAST
i think i made my point, david rhodes, you stupid
afterbirth of a diseased rhinocerous.
[This really is a rather lame flame, compared to some. Anybody on the
Yucks list have a better one (specifically for Dave Rhoads)? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Mar 94 21:32:36 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: FROM: [alt.locksmithing] Re: Master Lock
To: spaf
From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia, Analyst/Programmer)
Newsgroups: alt.locksmithing
In article <40.395.1031.0NE18549@channel1.com>, bob.taylor@channel1.com (Bob Taylor) writes:
>
> I've got a combination Master Lock which the combination for has long
> been lost. I know I can buy a new one for about $4.00, but I hate to
> toss this out in the trash.
> The serial number for it is 903556. Anyone have the master list?
Yep, three times clockwise to 32,
2 " anti " " 18
1 " clockwise to 4
Then hit it with a fucking big hammer. Three or four times if you want.
repeat till it opens.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 27 Mar 94 18:34:58 EST
From: normanc523@aol.com
Subject: It's Not a Nuclear Plant, It's a Fungus
To: spaf
FORT WORTH, Tex. (AP) -- A petroleum engineer has his eyes on five miles of
dark, damp tunnels, where scientists had once contemplated smashing atoms.
But Naresh Vashisht doesn't want it for science. He wants to harvest white
button mushrooms.
Vashisht, president of a Texas firm that owns a Colorado mushroom farm, says
the underground remnants of the uncompleted Superconducting Super Collider
south of Dallas are prime turf for fungus, if not for physics.
The five-mile stretch of tunnel is 200 feet underground and sealed with
concrete. The Energy Department is considering abandoning the tunnels and
letting them fill with water.
"I think that is probably a waste of resources," Vashisht said, "if something
can be done economically like I'm thinking can be done."
------------------------------
From: morgan@engr.uky.edu (Wes Morgan)
Subject: Learning how good you have it, was compilers in COBOL...
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
Dave Schaumann <dave@CS.Arizona.EDU> wrote:
>Dale Miller <domiller@ualr.edu> wrote:
>>We used an Honeywell RJE connected via 2780 protocol to an IBM 370/155 ~170
>>miles away. Since 2780 is half-duplex, it could not read and print at the
>>same time. The card reader was 300 CPM and the printer 300 LPM.
>
>A couple of weeks ago, Dave Patterson (co-author of _Computer Architecture:
>A Quantitative Approach_) was here to give a talk. He related similar
>experiences (submit your cards and come back for the results the next
>day). He said it made it hard to sympathise when someone complained about
>how it took 2 minutes to do a compile.
Personally, I'd love to impose a few rules on my new users:
1) Your first 3 months of calculus and physics class will
require the use of slide rules, instead of those monstrous
HP 980-Turbo-Rx-Sx-Dx calculators with more keys than a
3270 terminal.
2) Your first programming assignment (in FORTRAN, of course)
must be completed with punch cards.
3) Your first 3 months of printing will be done on an 11"x17"
line printer with green-bar paper. Of course, the printing
will be done on the slightly-misaligned green side, so that
eyestrain increases exponentially with time. Graphics will
only be available as screen dumps from Tektronix 4014 tubes,
which will be printed on thermal paper.
4) Your first 3 months of debugging will be done with hex dumps.
Error messages will simply read "WI-3" or "AR-6," with no reference
to line numbers.
I think the cries of "I hate vi," "this laser printer is slow," and "dbx is
too confusing" would disappear...
[Yeah, and everyone should have to boot the system using toggle switches to
load a basic paper-tape module... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 26 Mar 94 14:17:00 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: MARCH 1994 WORD OF THE MONTH
To: spaf
* From: DAVID LAWRENCE NICOL <dnicol@PRIMUS.CSTP.UMKC.EDU>
* to the ACM student chapter mailing list
This is the first "WORD OF THE MONTH" file.
The word for March, 1994, which was discovered while playing Geek Scrabble
in a room in the Hyatt in Phoenix (EFLAs allowed) is "codepie."
A codepie is the pizza you eat while writing source code; alternatively
a codepie is the pizza you go have to celebrate a successful compilation,
alternatively codepie is well written code, as organized as a pizza.
And the Word Of The Month Rah Rah Cheer squad lets loose with the shakin'
pompoms and screams:
"FOUR! EIGHT! BEE! TEN!
WHAT'S FOR MUNCHING NOW AND THEN?
CODEPIE! CODEPIE!
WORD-OF THE-MONTH!"
[Geek Scrabble? Some people have too much free time on their hands. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 27 Mar 94 12:20:02 EST
From: HERBERG_DAVID@tandem.com
Subject: Most Dangerous Woman
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I cracked up when I heard this on the radio, but I haven't seen it
on r.h.f yet:
Q. Who is the most dangerous woman in America today?
A. Tonya Rodham Bobbitt.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 30 Mar 94 08:38:45 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Newest Borg...FROM: alt.french.captain.borg.borg.borg
To: spaf
=> From: Earl Gensolin <ebgensol@southern.edu>
=>
=> I am Kennedy of the Borg...You will be inseminated...resistance
=> is futile...
=>
=> (stolen tag line...I just found it hilarious!)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 Mar 1994 07:38:15 CST
From: Michael Cook <mlc@iberia.cca.cr.rockwell.com>
Subject: No candy this lane (original)
To: SPAF
I was in a department store this week getting ready to check-out.
I saw a check-out lane with the sign:
"No candy in this lane"
which is to allow parents with children to avoid some last minute
"I want that" problems.
But what did I see? All those weekly magazines/tabloids with
headlines shouting about John Candy!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Mar 1994 17:11:11 -0800 (PST)
From: knauer@ibeam.intel.com (Rob Knauerhase)
Subject: Oregon == Portugal?
To: yucks
From the "Private Eye Weekly" (3/23/94), a Salt Lake City alternative paper
(not my usual reading fare, but I was dining alone and was bored):
Commuter vehicle
To dramatize traffic congestion in Lisbon, Portugal's Socialist
Party organized a race between a burro and a Ferrari 348 TS coupe
on a 1.6-mile course along a crowded road from suburban Odivelas
to one of the main entrances of the capital. The burro beat the
Ferrari by four minutes.
Being in Oregon (but not _of_ Oregon) with its quaint local driving habits,
I can sympathize with the poor guy in the Ferrari.
[Not only that, but if you *really* get stuck in a terrible traffic jam,
you can't kill the Ferrari and eat it to survive... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1911 11:11:11
From: one-sick-puppy-to-another
Subject: Outrage in Dallas
This one's from the AUSTIN unAMERICAN STATESwoMAN. Unbelievable.
In Dallas last year, a cop had just come off duty. His wife was driving
him home. They stopped off at a liquor store, whereupon the wife went
in to buy some booze. Fifteen minutes later, she hadn't come out.
The cop went in after her, and asked the sales clerk where she was.
He said nobody had come in.
The cop knew the slales clerk was flying, flipped out, and called out
the SWAT team to search the area; they tore the store to shreds.
They eventually discovered a trap-door under a mat behind the counter.
In there, the cop's wife, stark naked and bound, with two other naked
men licking and fondling her.
Unfortunately, it was the wife's husband who opened the door, so he
went berserk, and inflicted physical harm on the suspects before being
restrained.
Because of this, the trial was long and drawn-out, and was dominated by
the spectre of police brutality and the possibility the suspects' rights
had been violated.
Finally, last week, the city was forced to withdraw its case, on a
technicality. The store had a lick-her license.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 22:58:44 GMT
From: bskendig@netcom.com (Brian Kendig)
Subject: Pentium Rotisserie Attachment
Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.announce,comp.sys.mac.misc
Here are some new products that are being planned for the Power
Macintosh in the coming months:
Spurred by consumer demand for IBM PC compatibility and the increased
popularity of rotisserie chicken in the United States fast-food market,
Apple plans to release the Pentium Rotisserie Attachment for the Power
Macintosh. It will allow the user to run popular PC applications such
as "X-Wing" and "Wing Commander" while he cooks his supper. "We feel
that the Pentium processor is ideal for tasks requiring a lot of heat,"
says Gil Bates, project manager at Apple. A similar peripheral device,
the Pentium Space Heater, is reportedly under consideration and will
probably be released in time for next winter. Beta testers are pleased
that the device keeps their fingers toasty warm while they use their
PowerMacs to get work done.
Taligent has been showing a lot of demos lately of its new object-
oriented operating system. Interestingly enough, it looks and feels
almost exactly like the PC game "Doom". It makes use of a first-person
office metaphor, in which the user is free to wander around a 3-D
texturemapped rendering of his office environment, collect pens and
Post-It notes and ammunition, and shoot anything that moves. Co-workers
are depicted as zombielike creatures wearing tattered clothing, and
managers are represented as demons that spit fireballs at the user. "It
was important to avoid constraining the user by the limitations of what
is normally done in an office," explains Mike "Ro" Soft, lead developer
on this project. "This metaphor allows you more freedom to express your
true feelings about your work." This environment will be shipped as the
native operating system with the Power Macintosh 9500/150.
I've followed up on a tip from Greg Landweber about some features in
System 8.0 that will make the Macintosh more "natural" to use. Among
these are:
- the Morality Manager, which zaps you with an electrical charge
when you try to use shareware you haven't paid for yet
- the Mixed Metaphor Manager, which helps you put all your eggs in
one basket then count them before they hatch
- the Purchasing Manager, which tells you when to upgrade to a PowerMac
- the Annoyingly Overbearing Manager, which causes your Mac to yell at
you to get back to work whenever you try to play a game
- the Microsoft Manager, who keeps telling you that Windows 4.0
(Chicago) will be out "real soon now"
Based on customer feedback, Apple will be modifying its sixteen-inch
display monitor to increase the monitor's radiation emissions. "We
found that users who spend a lot of time in front of their computers
like to at least have a good tan to show for it," stated one Apple
employee who asked to remain anonymous. "I knew nothing about this,"
added John Sculley defensively. "If anyone had told me, I never would
have signed any contracts." When asked what he was talking about, he
suddenly became unavailable for comment.
In a pleasantly surprising gesture of world unity, Apple has offered to
purchase spare nuclear warheads from Eastern European nations. These
devices will then be converted to portable nuclear power generators for
next month's PowerBook BlackBird computers. Apple refused to comment on
rumors that these warheads are actually being stockpiled in underground
silos and aimed at Redmond, Washington. "That's preposterous," scoffs
Apple employee Spike Mindler. "We love Microsoft. Really. After all,
we think they're almost ready to ship the native version of Microsoft
Word. Why, if we were aiming those things at anybody, which we're not,
we would certainly be aiming them at Intel. But we happen to think that
Intel makes really good TV commercials."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
On a Ph. D. oral, he asked the candidate about the convergence
properties of certain hypergeometric series. "I don't remember,"
said the student, "but I can always look it up if I need it."
[The professor] was not pleased. "That doesn't seem to be true,"
he said, "because you sure need it now."
from Paul Halmos' autobiography
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 01 Apr 1994 06:57:02 -0500
From: Preston Wilson <preston@shlep.sware.com>
Subject: RFC1607 on A View from the 21st Century
To: spaf
-Preston
------- Forwarded Message
To: ietf@CNRI.Reston.VA.US
Date: Thu, 31 Mar 94 19:25:21 -0500
From: Simon E Spero <ses@tipper.oit.unc.edu>
>A reverse time-capsule apparently sent from 2023. The author of this
>paper cannot vouch for the accuracy of the letter contents, but
>spectral and radiation analysis are consistent with origin later than
>2020.
C14/C12 ratio dating cannot be projected accurately into the future whilst
still giving error bars of the magnitude stated in this document.
Although carbon-dating could feasibly indicate a future date (by showing
a ratio of C14/C12 in excess of that currently present in the atmosphere,
and in excess of that ratio that would remain from all previous periods when
the ratio was greater than it is now), by that very fact we would have no
way of telling just when the paper was last in equilibrium with the atmosphere.
The document is clearly a forgery, and the lab purporting to validate iT,a front
for charlatans.
Simon Spero
Professor of Information Science,
University of Ediacara
ses@opabinia.ediacara.ac.pangea
------- End of Forwarded Message
[Some people take life too seriously. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon Mar 28 14:22:02 1994
From: ember!pacolley@qucis.queensu.ca
Subject: Risks of washroom automation (Erma Bombeck)
Newsgroups: comp.risks
Here's one paragraph of Erma Bombeck's humour column, The Kingston
Whig-Standard, 28 March 1994.
"I dropped by an airport washroom. In my stall, I wrestled
with my jumpsuit, and in doing so the belt fell into the
commode. Before I could retrieve it, the automatic flusher
sucked it away and into the sewers of San Jose. I held my
hands under the automatic water tap and went for a paper
towel. I turned in time to see my handbag fall into the
sink and activate the water. It proceeded to drown."
The column also enumerates many other more familiar problems with
automation.
Paul Colley colley@qucis.queensu.ca +1 613 545 3807
[Beware of the automatic handwringer. PGN]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Mar 1994 19:49:47 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Spin control at its finest
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: ramon@MITL.Research.Panasonic.COM (Ramon Caceres)
A story in today's Wall Street Journal begins with
Micrografx Inc., saying new versions of some of its software
became too powerful too fast, warned that it will post a loss
for the current quarter.
At first it sounded like the plot of a really bad science fiction movie,
but it turned out to be a brilliant example of marketing mumbo-jumbo.
The article later explained that "The upgraded versions are very
advanced, but require too much computing power for many existing
personal computers" and that one program "just won't run on most of our
customers' machines."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 31 Mar 1994 10:39:41 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Theology at its Finest
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Theologians have been meeting for 15 years to revise the Revised
Standard Version the Bible. The New Revised Standard Version (or
NRSV) will be published in 1990.
Among the changes are two that were made to avoid possible
misunderstanding:
Psalm 50:9 is being changed from "I will accept no bull from your
house" to "I will not accept a bull from your house."
2 Corinthians 11:25 is being changed from "Once I was stoned" to
"Once I received a stoning."
Strange but true.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 26 Mar 94 14:18:59 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: The OSI Pizza Model
To: spaf
* From: DAVID LAWRENCE NICOL <dnicol@PRIMUS.CSTP.UMKC.EDU>
* to the ACM student chapter list...
THE OSI X.400 7-LEYER REFERENCE PIZZA:
Level 7: Meal layer. Hungry humans get nourished and revitalized.
Level 6: Presentation layer. Do you use a plate? Forks? Napkins?
Level 5: Session layer. Was level 4 prompt? Do you tip two dollars or three?
Level 4: Transport layer. Some poor shmoe has to find your cul-de-sac.
Level 3: Network layer. You call your Pizza service provider on the phone
and have a synchronous negotiation regarding aspects of levels 2 and 4.
Level 2: Sauce and toppings, as specified in Level 3.
Level 1: Physical crust layer. The bread on which the entire pizza is
constructed.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 31 Mar 94 19:30:04 EST
From: JRP1@phx.cam.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: The private life of Tolkien
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Many people have noticed that Tolkien's novel "The Lord of the
Rings" bears an uncanny resemblance to the game of Dungeons and
Dragons, in that it contains elves, dwarves, orcs and so forth.
Clearly Tolkien was much influenced by D&D, and a recently
unearthed recording, probably made by MI5, shows him playing
Dungeons and Dragons on the floor of his rooms in Merton College,
Oxford, one evening, with C.S. Lewis, Charles Williams, and
various other luminaries.
Here is part of the transcript of the recording, which all will
agree is of great historical interest.
C.S. Lewis: Well, Tom, it's really good of you to come along and
act as Dungeon Master for the evening. Haven't enjoyed myself so
much since I played in G.K. Chesterton's dungeon and slew Father
Brown.
T.S. Eliot (for it is he): Thanks. Anyway, is Father Aslan going
to go and explore the Waste Land further yet, or will he have
another drink?
Lewis: That depends on the rest of the party. Radagast?
Tolkien: Yes, I want to go and see Madame Sosostris the
clairvoyante and see what she has to say.
(Murmurs of assent from Dorothy L. Sayers, Charles Williams,
Bertrand Russell (visiting), etc. etc.)
Eliot: O.K. Radagast I want you to roll a D20 at this stage to
see what happens as you walk across the Waste Land.
[LOUD BANGING ON THE DOOR.]
Tolkien: Who is it?
Voice outside: Iss only me, Professor Tolkien. Juss poor Smeagol.
He's brought his essay for the nice Mr Professor.
[Tolkien goes over to open the door, doing his best to block the
view of the dice, counters and miniature monsters on the floor.
Meanwhile the rest of the party hurriedly leap into chairs and
pretend to be having a deep discussion.]
Lewis: Yes but we all remember what St Paul says about the
Numinous in his Epistle to the Confusions...
Tolkien: Well, Smeagol, where this essay? Can't you see I'm busy
discussing the Numinous?
Smeagol: Don't be hard on poor Smeagol, he couldn't find his
precious elvish dictionary. That nasty Baggins had borrowed it.
Oooh, what's that on the floor?
Tolkien: Er, nothing. My son must have left his toys there.
Smeagol: Can Smeagol be an orc?
Bertrand Russell: Certainly not. We don't want any orcs. I've
come over specially to play White Head the dwarf.
Lewis: You mean, 'to argue the non-existence of God,' don't you?
Russell: Er, yes. Sorry.
Tolkien: Off you go boy and hand your essay in on time in future.
[Door slams]. Now, my character Radagast threw a 12. What happens
to him?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Mar 1994 10:54:16 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Yucks Digest V4 #10 (shorts)
To: spaf (Yucks List)
wrt: LIBRARY -- CONGRESS -- SUBJECTS -- BYNAME -- NEW
|This season's Subject Headings as Indicators of the Trends
|in Contemporary Life include the following new headings:
|
...
|ROADKILLS (typical of LC to get that wrong)
So - they either read talk.bizarre, yucks, or they're
browsing the web pretty heavily. Maybe all of these.
At any rate, we are proud to have contributed, once again,
to the cultural history of these United States of America.
To have contributed to bureaucratic absurdities, of course,
is mere gravy (season to taste).
[That's the job of Yucks -- a little roadkill(s) in the Information
Highway, with gravy to match. --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------