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Yucks Digest V4 #16




Yucks Digest                Sat, 11 Jun 94       Volume 4 : Issue  16 

Today's Topics:
                          Elevator etiquette
                            ferret leggers
            Fudge Miner's Syndrome(Was: Slurpee Headache)
                           Fun with grapes
                        How to lose weight ...
                   HP C compiler rantings & ravings
                   NSA Takes Over Healthcare Reform

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thu, 9 Jun 1994 17:19:40 -0700
From: armand@wickham.West.Sun.COM (Armand Aghabegian)
Subject: Elevator etiquette
To: spaf

Forwards lost in editing.

----- Begin Included Message -----

             50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

           by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu


1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex
    to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
    "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
    the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
    ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.  Wear
    yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
     without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
     doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol
     coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
     and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
     stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
     shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
     announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
     "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
     of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
     them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
     beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
     other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
     wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 26 May 1994 17:57:34 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: ferret leggers
To: spaf (Yucks List)

[I got this via Paul Thublin - no idea of its origin,
except as noted.  -Miles]

I didn't see you in the recipient list of the copy I got, but this is
pretty sick.  My only disappointment is that Yorkshire is in England,
not Scotland, so I can't claim that my clan had anything to do with
this one.  Note that it is from Harper's, so it must be true.

	-- paul

[many forwards deleted]

     This is from the November 1992 Harper's

     Mr Reg Mellor, the "king of the ferret-leggers," paced across his
tiny Yorkshire miner's cottage as he explained the rules of the English
sport that he has come to dominate rather late in life. "Ay, lad,"  said
the seventy-two-year-old champion, "no jockstraps allowed. No underpants--
nothin` whatsoever. And it's nogood with tight trousers, mind ye. Little
bah-stards have to be able to move around inside there from ankle to
ankle." 

     Basicaly, ferret-leging involves the tying of a competitor's trousers
at the ankles and the insertion into those trousers of a couple of
peculiarly vicious fur-coated, foot-long carnivores called ferrets.  The
brave contestant's belt is then pulled tight, and he proceeds to stand
there in front of the judges as long as he can, while animals with claws
like hypodermic needles and teeth like number 16 carpet tacks try their
damnedest to get out. 

     From a dark and obscure past, the sport has made an astonishing
comeback in recent years. When I first heard about ferret-legging, in
1972, the world record stood at forty painful seconds of "keepin' 'em
down," as they say in ferret-legging circles. A few years later the
dreaded one-minute mark was finally surpassed. The current record--
implausible as it may seem--now stands at an awesome five hours and
twenty-six minutes, a mark reached last year by the gaudily tattooed
little Yorkshireman with the waxed military mustache who now stood two
feet away from me explaining the technicalities of this burgeoning sport. 

     "The ferrets must have a full mouth o' teeth," Reg Mellor said as he
fiddled with his belt., "No filing of the teeth; no clipping. No dope for
you or the ferrets. You must be sober, and the ferrets must be hungry--
though any ferret'll eat yer eyes out even if he isn't hungry. So then,
lad. Any more questions 'fore I poot a few down for ye?" 

     "Yes, Reg."

     "Ay, whoot then?"

     "Well, Reg," I said. "I think people in America will want to know. 
Well--since you don't wear any protection--and, well, I've heard a ferret
can bite your thumb off. Do they ever--you know?" 

     Reg's stiff mustache arched toward the ceiling under a sly grin. 
"You really want to know what they get up to down there, eh?" Reg said,
looking for all the world like some workingman's Long John Silver.  "Well,
take a good look." Then Reg Mellor let his trousers fall around his
ankles. 

     A short digression: a word is in order concerning ferrets, a
weasel-like animal well known to Europeans but, because of the near
extinction of the black-footed variety in the American West, not widely
known in the United States.  Alternatively referred to by professional
ferret handlers as "shark-of-the-land," a "piranha with feet," "fur-coated
evil, " and "the only four-legged creature in existence that kills just
for kicks," the common domesticated ferret--Mustela putorius--has the
spinal flexibility of a snake and the jaw musculature of a pit bull. 
 Rabbits, rats, and even frogs run screaming from hiding places when 
confronted by a ferret. 

     Ferreters--those who hunt with ferrets, as opposed to putting them in
their pants--tell tales of rabbits running toward hunters to surrender
after gazing into the torch-red eyes of an oncoming ferret. 
     
     Loyal to nothing that lives, the ferret has only one characteristic
that might be deemed positive--a tenacious, single-minded belief in
finishing whatever it starts. That usually entails biting off whatever it
bites. The rules of ferret-legging do allow the leggers to try to knock
the ferret off a spot it's biting (from outside the trousers only), but
that is no small matter, as ferrets never let go. No less a source than
the Encyclopedia Britannica suggests that you can get a ferret to let go
by pressing a certain spot over its eye, but Mellor and the other ferret
specialists I talked to say that is absurd. Reg favors a large screwdriver
to get a ferret off his finger.  Another ferret legger told me that a
ferret that had almost dislodged his left thumb let go only after the
ferret and the man's thumb were held under scalding tap water--for ten
minutes. 
     
     Reg Mellor, a man who has been more intimate with ferrets than many
men have been with their wives, calls ferrets "cannibals, things that live
only to kill, that'll eat your eyes out to get at your brain" at their
worst and "untrustworthy" at their very best. 

     Reg says he observed with wonder the growing popularity of
ferret-legging throughout the '70s. He had been hunting with ferrets in
the verdant moors and dales outside of Barnsley for much of a century.
Since a cold and wet ferret exterminates with a little less enthusiasm
than a dry one, Reg used to keep his ferrets in his pants for hours when
he hunted in the rain--and it always rained where he hunted. 

     "The world record was sixty seconds. Sixty seconds! I can stick a 
ferret up me ass for longer than that."  

     So, at age sixty-nine, Reg Mellor found his game. As he stood in
front of me now, naked from the waist down, Reg looked every bit a
champion. 

     "So look close," he said again.

     I did look, at an incredible tattoo of a zaftig woman on Reg's 
thigh.  His legs appeared crosshatched with scars. But I refused to "look 
close."

     "Come on, Reg," I said. "Do they bite your--you know?"

     "Do they!" he thundered with irritation as he pulled up his pants. 
"Why, I've had 'em hangin' from me tool for hours an' hours an' hours! 
Two at a time--one on each side. I been swelled up big as that!"  Reg
pointed to a five-pound can of instant coffee. 

     I then made the mistake of asking Reg Mellor if his age allowed him
the impunity to be the most daring ferret legger in the world. "And what
do ye mean by that?" he said. 

     "Well, I thought since you probably aren't going to have any more 
children--"

     "Are you sayin' I ain't pokin' 'em no more?" Reg growled with 
menace.  "Is that your meaning? 'Cause I am pokin' 'em for sure."

     A small red hut sits in an overgrown yard outside Reg Mellor's door. 
 "Come outta there, ye bah-stards," Reg yelled as he flailed around the
inside of the hut looking for some ferrets that had just arrived a few
hours earlier. He emerged with two dirty white animals, which he held
quite firmly by their necks. They both had fearsome unblinking eyes as
hard and red as rubies. 

     A young man named Malcolm, with a punk haircut, came into the yard on
a motorcycle. "You puttin' 'em down again, Reg?" Malcolm asked. 

     Reg took one of the ferrets and stuck the beasts head deep into his 
mouth.

     "Oh yuk, Reg," said Malcolm.

     Reg pulled the now quite embittered-looking ferret out of his mouth
and stuffed it and another ferret into his pants. He cinched his belt
tight, clenched his fists at his sides, and gazed up into the gray
Yorkshire firmament in what I guessed could only be a gesture of prayer.
Claws and teeth now protruded all over Reg's hyperactive trousers. The two
bulges circled round and round one leg, getting higher and higher, and
finally...they went up over to the other leg. 

     "Thank God, " I said.

     "Yuk, Reg," said Malcolm.

     "The claws," I managed. "Aren't they sharp, Reg?"  

     "Ay," said Reg, laconically. "Ay"

[Some people need to discover better hobbies.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: 8 Jun 94 08:53:15 GMT
From: lgould@ecel.uwa.edu.au (Lloyd Gould - law_staff)
Subject: Fudge Miner's Syndrome(Was: Slurpee Headache)
Newsgroups: sci.med

Tom.Hamp@f8.n134.z1.fidonet.org (Tom Hamp) writes:

> -=> Quoting Cathy Smith to All <=-
> >pains if I keep an icey substance presses against a certain point in the roof
> >of my mouth.  The pain lasts about half a minute after I swallow the
> >substance, and radiates over my head.  It is the most severe type of pain I
> >ever get in my head.
> >[material deleted]     
> >I think this 'slurpee headache' far from being an interesting scientific
> >anomaly is merely the body's way of saying "Look out!  You might cause tissue
> >damage if you decrease the temperature here any further" and is simply a
>scald
> >pain in reverse!
> >Inge
[material deleted]
>Anyone care to jump in?

>Regards
>Tom Hamp

OK, I'll jump in, now that this thread has retreated from techno talk
back down to my level of sophistication.  

Actually the "Slurpee Headache" is just another variant of the well-
known dreaded "Fudge Miner's Syndrome". :-)

The most common scenario is when there arrives in the house a container
of slightly melted vanilla ice-cream that has fudge or chocolate sauce
mixed in.

As most of you will be aware, the better brands always have secret pools
of fudge therein and the presence of these pools are
betrayed only by thin ribbons of chocolate winding their way down 
into the container of ice-cream.  The first symptom of the on-coming 
syndrome is an irresistable impulse to grab a spoon and dig down into
the ice-cream to expose the pools of fudge.  Of course, as a necessary
evil, the vanilla ice-cream that is dug out must be consumed to get
rid of the tailings (evidence?). An insidious aspect to this syndrome 
is that the victim is so focussed on finding the pools of fudge 
that vast volumes of ice-cream pass over the palate without the 
full consciousness of how much ice-cream is being consumed.

Then the victim is on the slippery slide and the excruiating headache
follows as inevitably and the extra bulge around the waist. It hits
suddenly (the headache, not the bulge) and results in almost 
immediate incapacity that can delay further fudge mining by as 
much as two minutes.  Even worse, if there are any other entities
in the vicinity while you are rolling on the floor and babbling in the
throes of the headache (parents, children, spouse, dogs, cats) there is a 
strong prognosis that one of three contra-indicated results will
eventuate:  an ambulance will be called as you seem to be having 
a fit (or worse);  your fudge mining license will be suspended
indefinitely; or, if an  intelligent dog or cat is present, that
creature wwill take your place at the ice-cream trough and mine
out all the remaining fudge (and ice-cream) while you are 
incapacitated.

An interesting aspect to the syndrome is that it appears to create
some sort of amnesia as the victim, as soon as sufficiently recovered
to stand up, will often resume fudge mining and take the chance of 
another attack.  If other entities are present or rush onto the 
scene in reaction to the victims plight, mining might be delayed
until the miner is once again alone with the ice-cream.  There are
 almost invariably regular re-occurrences. 
 
There are a number of variations on ther syndrome which some of 
you out there may wish to bring to the public's attention but to 
the best of my believe they almost always involve surreptitious consumption
of cold goodies in an expedited manner.  

My apologies (sincere) if the tone of this posting is not as "serious" as the
usual for this newsgroup, but after reading through many of the 
entries, I felt the need for a bit of light relief

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 7 Jun 1994 01:18:07 -0400
From: mgfrank@erebus.com (Marc G. Frank)
Subject: Fun with grapes
To: spaf

                              FUN WITH GRAPES

Using only cheap, readily-available equipment, you can create a
spectacular lightshow in the comfort of your very own kitchen,
providing hours of fun and excitement for your family, friends, and
pets!

Ordinary grapes, when properly prepared and microwaved, spark
impressively in an extremely entertaining manner.


WHAT YOU NEED
  Green grapes
  Microwave-safe plate
  Knife
  Microwave oven
  No parents


WHAT YOU DO
  1. Drive your parents or anyone else who might say "Hey!  What do you
  think you're doing?  Stop that right now!" out of the room.  This is
  important.  They'll think you're ruining something.

  2. Take a grape and cut it almost in half with the knife, leaving the
  two halves attached by the skin.  Place the grape, sliced side up, on
  the microwave-safe plate.  Squash them down slightly, so the grape
  halves have a flat bottom and stand upright.  See Fig. 1.

                    +-------------------------------------+
                    |          grape  grape  grape        |
                    |           half   skin  half         |
                    |             |     |     |           |
                    |             v     v     v           |
                    |squashed   \    /-----\    /         |
                    | bottom --> \__/       \__/          |
                    |\-----------------------------------/|
                    |                   ^                 |
                    |                   |                 |
                    |          microwave-safe plate       |
                    +-------------------------------------+
                    Figure 1:  Grape-skin-plate arrangement

  3. Place the plate in the microwave.  Microwave on HIGH for 30
  seconds.

  4. Enjoy!

  If microwaving more than one sliced grape at a time, best results can
  be obtained by separating each grape by 1.5cm or more.


WHY IT WORKS

  Don't ask me; I'm a classics major.


WHAT TO DO IF YOUR MICROWAVE EXPLODES

  Don't blame me.  I take no responsibility if your microwave blows up
  or your grapes don't come out crisp and tasty or you lose your job or
  flunk out of school because you do nothing else all day but nuke
  grapes.  In short, just mentally insert that MIT X disclaimer here.
  After repeated sparkings, my microwave is in fine shape.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 17:12:22 -0700
From: (null)
Subject: How to lose weight ...
To: spaf

>From:           Peter HULLAH <pete@strauss.eurocontrol.fr

[This is actually taken from a book about a decade old now.  It
was quite funny in spots.  I still have it somewhere in my collection.
I still haven't lost any weight...  --spaf]

 
 THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
 
 
  ACTIVITY     CALORIES BURNED      ACTIVITY     CALORIES BURNED
 
  REMOVING CLOTHES:                 ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
  With partner's consent.....12     Shoes flew off...............35
  Without partner's consent.187     Expression didn't change....1/2
                                    Orchestra swelled.............6
  UNHOOKING BRA:                    Birds sang
  Using two calm hands........7      Large birds..................7
  Using one trembling hand...36      Small birds..................3
                                    Earth moved..................30
 
  Lifting partner............15     PULLING OUT:
  Dragging partner on floor..16     After orgasm................1/2
  Using skateboard............3     A few moments before orgasm.500
 
  ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:              PENIS ENVY:
  For normal healthy man....2.5     For woman.....................3
  Losing erection............14     For men......................72
  Searching for it..........115
                                    GUILT:
  PUTTING ON CONDOM:                Despite no formal training,
  With erection.............1.5     orgasm comes easily..........53
  Without erection..........300     You're enjoying sex,despite the
                                    fact that other people are
  INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:              starving......................2
  If the woman who does it is       Sex on your lunch hour........3
  Experienced.................6     Putting it on expense account..
  Inexperienced..............73                                  20
  If a man does it..........680     AGGRAVATION:
  Add (5) calories for retrieving   Partner keeps showing plants..5
  it from across the room.          Partner insists on cuddling the
                                    dog during foreplay..........14
 
  ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:         Partner visiting bathroom for
  Italian- Man on top,woman in      7th time.....................10
  kitchen....................26     Partner taking phone calls....7
  Russian- Woman on bottom,         Partner making phone calls...40
  Man getting permission.....55
  American- Both on top......60     GETTING CAUGHT:
                                    By partner's spouse..........60
  SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE:         By your spouse..............100
  Bouncing....................7     Trying to explain............55
  Sliding around..............9     Trying to remain calm.......100
  Serious skidding...........12     Leaping out of bed...........75
  Whiplash...................27     Getting dressed in one motion
                                                                500
                                    Thanking partner quickly......2
  ORGASM:
  Real.......................27
  Faked.....................160
 
 
 
                              THE OFFICIAL SEX QUIZ
 
  Study each question carefully.  Then choose the answer that seems more
  correct, True or False.
 
    1.  A clitoris is a type of flower.
    2.  A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
    3.  "Spread-eagle" is an extinct bird.
    4.  Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble
    5.  A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.
    6.  A g-string is part of a violin.
    7.  Semen is another word for "sailors."
    8.  Anus is the Latin word for "yearly."
 

------------------------------

Date: 8 Jun 1994 15:26:55 GMT
From: hubler@heliotrope.lerc.nasa.gov (Dale Hubler)
Subject: HP C compiler rantings & ravings
Newsgroups: comp.sys.hp.hpux

[This starts off as a complaint about HP.  That isn't particularly
bizarre or funny.  What is funny is the response.  I left the original
intact to help set the stage. A good flame can be a thing of beauty.
--spaf]


Well, let me preface this with the fact that I'm a total HP-UX
neophyte.  And they're making me think more and more of AIX.  We
have one system here that is running HP's Super UX OS.  Yes, we
think it's HP-SUX.  Big time.

Most the problems are solvable, but I don't know by who.  Whenever
I call I just end up chasing my tail in a big loop.  Call this 
person, no call that person, call this Co., call somebody, go to
jail - do not pass go.  You'd think they'd want to make the thing
work and get their foot in the door here.  

My main problem is total lack of support.  It's our own fault I
suppose, but we are a guvmint site and bought the thing on the SEWP
contract out of another center.  I guess we just didn't give HP
enough 5# blocks of cheese to actually get any help with making it
work.  When I call them they say "No, that's a SEWP purchase and
we don't include support."  In fact, I think I was lucky to get anything
more current than HP-UX 8.07.  Even that took months while the thing
sat as a door stop.   Luckily, a former emplyee did know enough how
to update the thing and had a set of 9.01 CDs.  So now we are at 9.01.
Of course, although I now have a set of 9.01 CDs I think I need codewords
to install it.  

Anyways, about a month ago the C compiler stopped working.  That'll
sure cripple the thing when you only have one available.  When we
compile now we get the following error - 

Demo mode has expired on 05/05/94.
Contact your Hewlett-Packard sales office to order HP CXX

Ha!  Contact your HP rep!  See paragraph 2 above.  We have some local 
guy but he hasn't been much help and is always out of the office.  
I've called so many numbers but I just get a runaround, not an answer.
Through some blind act of god I was recently shipped a set of 3 CDs
marked HP-UX Applications, so I sez' "Hey, mebbe i can make this CXX
thingy work if I reinstall"  Well, no cheese there.  That didn't
work either.  Maybe if I just push down the ravine behind the bldg,
beat it with a bat and run it over 5 times with the car things will work
better.  But, maybe not.

So anyways, I need some sort of help.  (Is there a Dr. in the house,
I'm a little on edge)  The critical problem, and the system doesn't
work without a solution, is the C compiler.  I understand the base compiler
is on the HP-UX Core OS CD.  However, although I can use the  
LaserRom CD, when I put the HP-UX Core OS CD in and try to
mount it I get "unrecognized filesystem".  I suspect even if I
got the CD mounted I'd need  the codewords to install it.  I don't
have that.  I've followed the instructions whenever they announce
an update to HP-UX and turn in the form.  I never receive the
update.  Again, I think they want us to send more cheese or stick 
with 8.07.

So now I have this boat anchor that isn't worth the gasoline to
blow it up with.  The damned update program won't tell me what
files are associated with any product it installs.  Otherwise I
could ftp things from another 9.01 system.  I can't read my 9.01
CD to fix it.  I can't get any other CDs out of these people.  And
they're actually thinking of buying a couple more, what a joke. I
guess we never learn.  Can somebody tell me why I get this
sort of non-response?  Is this the way HP normally works?  The way
I feel about this, I'll do anything I can to prevent them from
wasting anymore tax dollars on this platform - I've got other systems
I can make work.

And while I'm writing, can somebody tell me why the hostname issue is
such a total mess.  Is this the last platform around that can't handle
over 8 characters in a name.  We originally thought we could use a 
9 character anme that would work on any other platform here.  Silly us.
You've got to have your uucp name match your TCP name match your cluster
name match something else.  Otherwise "uname -n" returns unknown.  I'm
sure they can quote some standard they must follow on this, how do
the other vendors get around it?   I've tried their support-line site
on this one with the result that I see messages that imply I can use
the 9 character name, but I'm not allowed to post  a query there either.

I'm really, really angry about this piece of junk.   Kill, kill, kill.

Dale Hubler

=========================
From: jazz@hal.com (Jason Zions)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.hp.hpux
Subject: Re: HP C compiler rantings & ravings
Date: 08 Jun 1994 19:07:05 GMT

In article <2t4nvv$7r3@sulawesi.lerc.nasa.gov> hubler@heliotrope.lerc.nasa.gov (Dale Hubler) writes:

Lemme get this straight. You bought a system on a government cheapest-
possible-price contract, no support contract, HP-UX 8.07. You have a license
for 8.07 and have violated your license by upgrading to 9.01 without the
appropriate license. Your C compiler stopped working because you got a demo
version; you probably neglected to buy a real compiler.

Let me suggest something quite blunt: it doesn't work because it was broken
>from the start. You didn't buy what you needed, then further broke it with a
more-or-less illicit upgrade. And now you're complaining.

   Well, let me preface this with the fact that I'm a total HP-UX
   neophyte.  And they're making me think more and more of AIX.  We
   have one system here that is running HP's Super UX OS.  Yes, we
   think it's HP-SUX.  Big time.

Let me clue you in, bubba: government idiots like yourself who buy the
cheapest possible systems without support and then whine, suck. Big time.
Customers like you who then steal (yep, without the appropriate license it's
stealing) software suck even bigger. And you know what? The biggest time of
all here is the time you ought to be serving in the local prison. Theft,
moron, is theft.

   Most the problems are solvable, but I don't know by who.  Whenever
   I call I just end up chasing my tail in a big loop.  Call this 
   person, no call that person, call this Co., call somebody, go to
   jail - do not pass go.  You'd think they'd want to make the thing
   work and get their foot in the door here.  

They have a foot in the door: that system you originally bought, running
8.07. It's not HP's fault it takes the federal government three fucking
years to qualify a system for that price-sheet you bought from.

You want a solution? BUY A SUPPORT CONTRACT.

   Through some blind act of god I was recently shipped a set of 3 CDs
   marked HP-UX Applications, so I sez' "Hey, mebbe i can make this CXX
   thingy work if I reinstall"  Well, no cheese there.  That didn't
   work either.  Maybe if I just push down the ravine behind the bldg,
   beat it with a bat and run it over 5 times with the car things will work
   better.  But, maybe not.

HP-CXX is protected by codeword to keep asswipes like yourself from ripping
it off. And you're *surprised* that you can't get it working?

   I've followed the instructions whenever they announce an update to HP-UX
   and turn in the form.  I never receive the update.  Again, I think they
   want us to send more cheese or stick with 8.07.

Surprise. No support contract - no software upgrades. What, you expected to
get stuff for nothing? You *must* work for the government. (By the way, US
Dollars will work much better than cheese when attempting to purchase goods
and services.)

   So now I have this boat anchor that isn't worth the gasoline to
   blow it up with.

Cool. I'll send you the shipping costs and you can send it to me.

   The damned update program won't tell me what
   files are associated with any product it installs.

Look in /etc/filesets - each fileset has a file there containing the name of
every file or directory it includes.

   Otherwise I
   could ftp things from another 9.01 system.

Oh, good - more theft.

   I can't read my 9.01 CD to fix it.  I can't get any other CDs out of
   these people.  And they're actually thinking of buying a couple more,
   what a joke. I guess we never learn.  Can somebody tell me why I get this
   sort of non-response?  Is this the way HP normally works?  The way I feel
   about this, I'll do anything I can to prevent them from wasting anymore
   tax dollars on this platform - I've got other systems I can make work.

If you wasted just a few more tax dollars on it, like on a support contract,
you might have a functional system that's faster than anything else you can
buy for twice as much money. But I suppose that would require too much
thought from a brainless government functionary such as yourself.

   I'm really, really angry about this piece of junk.   Kill, kill, kill.

Tell you what - I'm really angry that my tax dollars pay the salary of an
admitted thief. I'm really angry that I support a government bureaucracy
that maintains incompetent morons like yourself in overpaid tenured
positions.

And the offer to buy that system from you for the cost of shipping still
stands. Even with the cash I'd have to spend for support and licenses, it's
still the best buy on the market.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 3 Jun 94 02:07:20 -0500
From: Dr. David Chaos <dchaos@delphi.com>
Subject: NSA Takes Over Healthcare Reform

June 3, 1994

NSA CLIPPER CHIP FAILS, AGENCY SETS SIGHTS ON HEALTHCARE

(ups) After the discovery of a fatal design flaw in the Clipper chip's
"crime-busting" LEAF system, NSA has shifted its focus to a "more attainable
goal, healthcare reform", said an anonymous government source.  "It appears
that President Clinton's healthcare reform package will likely result in
citizens, who can afford it, leaving the country for private healthcare
provided by foreign countries.  Based on this, NSA believes they have a clear,
jurisdictional mandate to develop healthcare policy." the source further stated.
"With NSA's technological superiority, we should have a system in place which
will prevent medical subversion within a few months.  Even the Bahamians will
be powerless to overcome it" said the source.

Despite objections from diverse medical organizations, the President supported
NSA's position that they are the most qualified to determine healthcare policy.
He further justified the agencies assertion that the details of the policy must
remain secret to prevent medical malingerers from abusing the system.  Secret
details of the policy, obtained by confidential informants, indicated that it
would be based on the "KneeCapstone" and the "Clapjack" algorithms.

An "independant" examination by the renowned doctor and cold-fusion
investigator,
Dr. Staley Ponz, was recently conducted on the KneeCapstone and Clapjack
algorithms.  "These algorithms are totally and completely malingerer proof...
I really mean it, this time, honest!" said Dr. Ponz from an undisclosed
location in South America.

Further details on the plan will be forthcoming "real soon now" said government
policy advisor, Tyrone Shoelaces.

Reprinted, with permission, by,

Dr. David Chaos

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------