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Yucks Digest V5 #3 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 24 Jan 95 Volume 5 : Issue 3
Today's Topics:
"breaker, breaker 128.10.2.0..."
"We don't bug fix, either..."
'Scuse me while I pick myself up off the floor
(Reworked) JOTD
... when it comes to turning ordinary men into voluptuous girls
Acronym
and they say the Usenet is a mindless waste of time...
A Yucks submission....
Bob
capricorn capers
Cyrano's Valentine Server
DeathNET: New Cdn WEB service
Desperate people
Did I tell you that I told you?
I hope that doesn't bother you...
JAPAN QUAKE DUE TO GAMERA?
JOTD (2 msgs)
Not just any key.
ontological engineering
Patch Of The Day.
pretty tame.....
QOTD (5 msgs)
Question of the Day
Silly signature...
SPAM(tm) and the Statue of Liberty
Terrible...
The customer as editor.
The irony, the irony...
Thin Mints and Tarts ... er ... I mean Torts
To keep out the rif-raff.
We're seeing it a lot in hockey...
When a man loves a shaman (from Harpers)
why doctors earn big bucks.....
Word Of The Day
yucks bits
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 21 Jan 1995 12:01:43 -0500
From: russo ("Vincent F. Russo")
Subject: "breaker, breaker 128.10.2.0..."
To: comer, spaf, jtk, dyksen, vanecek, bxd, trinkle, bingle, dgc, hammer, muckel
"Every 11 years there is a sunspot eruption, which causes static
on CB radio transmissions (CB radio is now more commonly known
as the `Internet')."
-- SKY Magazine
[Interesting. For more than a year I have been refering to the Internet
as the "CB Radio of the 90s." I wonder if this is an indication that
the idea is catching on, or is evidence of another great mind at work? :-)
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Jan 1995 11:06:01 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: "We don't bug fix, either..."
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dev-null@gauss.asd.sgi.com
Forwarded-by: rck@sgi.com (Robert Keller)
>From a review of Microsoft Excel 5.0 on page 54 of the
January 1995 issue of MacWorld:
Excel 5, like Microsoft Word, is the product of a design philosophy
explained over the years by Microsoft chief software architect Charles
Simonyi:
"We find out what features people want and we program them. We don't
optimize or fine-tune unless absolutely necessary, since that takes too
long and the chip makers will take care of our performance problems
eventually. CPUs get faster and memory gets cheaper, and we want to get
products out the door now."
[And to think that this attitude allows them to stay in business... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Jan 1995 12:39:39 -0500
From: Chip Seymour <cseymour@mbunix.mitre.org>
Subject: 'Scuse me while I pick myself up off the floor
To: spaf
Sig seen on alt.law-enforcement:
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a
field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue
musk and did the clue mating dance.
- Edward Flaherty
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Jan 1995 16:50:51 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: (Reworked) JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kevindu@atm.com (Kevin J. Dunlap)
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon
a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold
a real Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got
three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...not these days...I'm only
giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So...what'll be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle
East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting
with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm
good but I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. So
make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really
don't like my wife. They think she's a real bitch and ugly as
sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world
and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."
The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hhhmmm. Lemme see that
map again."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 14:15:01 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... when it comes to turning ordinary men into voluptuous girls
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
8.5x11 Ad in Spectator Magazine:
Top half of page is divided into two photos. Left is a typical business
man... suit, tie, glasses, about 30 years old with a slight smile. Right
is a woman (so it appears at first) in a night gown. Long curly black
hair with a slight smile on her face. Legs are sort-of fogged out in the
photo.
Then the ad:
AFTER A LONG DAY in wingtips, it's nice to slip into a pair of
spiked heels.
From our point of view, there's no better way to unwind. Give us
pink chiffon over grey flannel any day.
Miss Vera's is America's only cross dressing academy. So when it
comes to turning ordinary men into voluptuous girls, we're all
business. Small wonder that hundreds of doctors, lawyers, bankers,
and construction workers find their way to our Manhattan campus
every year. We've even taught a famous nuclear physicist. (He's
a real bombshell.)
Our experienced faculty will work with you in one-on-one classes
for a day, a weekend, or a week. We'll provide everything you
need. Tutus. Cocktail dresses. Evening gowns. Maids' uniforms.
You name it, we've got it.
So relax. The only wing tips you'll find around here are on our
Tinkerbell costume.
MISS VERA'S
Finishing School
For Boys Who Want To Be Girls
212-242-6449
Phone classes also available in a variety of cross dressing
subjects, call 1-900-884-VERA. $2.99/MIN. Adults only.
Then I realized the two photos were of the same individual.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Jan 95 11:22:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K." <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: Acronym
To: "Spafford, Gene" <spaf>
Somehow this reminded me of you... :-)
----------
Subject: Acronym
Date: Thursday, January 12, 1995 7:03PM
From: "Greg V." <NYGreg@AOL.COM>
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR <HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu>
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY:
Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing, and
Transferring Information On National Systems, Unleashing Practically Every
Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wiseasses, And Yahoos.
Thanks to Kevin Kwaku, who obvoiusly has way too much time on his hands.
[Hey! That's *my* line! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Jan 1995 00:25:39 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG
Subject: and they say the Usenet is a mindless waste of time...
To: SPAF
This was taken from today's _USA Today_. As our hero Dave Barry would
say, I am _not_ making this up:
[TV] Talk Shows
Donahue: Parents of killers.
Oprah Winfrey: Failed 911 calls.
Susan Powter: Breast implants
Jerry Springer: Indecisive lovers.
Rolonda: Teens dating older men.
Ricki Lake: Relationships harmed by substance abuse [como se no?]
Geraldo: Women who sleep with married men.
Maury Povich: Twins with eating disorders.
Sally Jesse Raphael: Philanderers return to their wives.
Montel Williams: Pregnant women who drink and use drugs.
I assume that this is a fairly representative line up, but maybe it's more
cerebral than usual...
[Hmm, anyone appearing on several of the shows at once? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Jan 95 17:59:35 PST
From: markb@qcktrn.com ( Mark Bentkower)
Subject: A Yucks submission....
To: owner-yucks-dist
I saw this on Highway 101 Northbound heading into San Francisco.
The sign had a picture of a huge American Flag rippling in the
wind, with the following words...
*************************
* Land of The Free... *
* *
* Home of the Whopper *
* *
*************************
***
***
***
***
***
(FYI - The ad was for Advertising Age magazine)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 95 18:38 EST
From: lda@research.att.com
Subject: Bob
To: spaf
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 09:57:45 -0500 (EST)
From: alan@qsss08.eq.gs.com (Alan Buckwalter - x5586)
Subject: (Fwd) Microsoft Humor
By now you've heard of the new "social interface" known as "Bob" that
Microsoft has brought out to make its Windows system easier to use for the
computer novice. What you might not know is that numerous other "social
interfaces" are on their way:
Robert - IBM's version of Bob for the "corporate" user.
Bobby - Apple's even more informal Bob.
Bobbit - for those computers that don't have a hard drive.
Booboo - for Pentiums.
Boob - insulting interface for masochistic users.
Blob - for Windows NT users.
Barbara - for those who prefer a more feminine interface.
Roberto - for Hispanic users
Snob - for wealthy users
Slob - for teenage users
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Jan 1995 10:51:23 -0500
From: chwalker@ucs.indiana.edu
Subject: capricorn capers
To: eniac
My life changed this morning. I became a believer
in astrology, after all these years of contemptuous
skepticism.
I had the tv on while I was getting ready for work,
and the news channel mentioned the celebrity
birthdays for today (1/12): Russ Limbaugh and
Howard Stern. That is just too much of a coincidence
for me to handle.
Advice to anybody in the ninth month of pregnancy:
keep your legs crossed today. Tie them together, if
necessary. You don't want to mess with karma like
that, in your family.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 14:26:23 -0800 (PST)
From: Gail Gurman <ggurman@cory.EECS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Cyrano's Valentine Server
To: net.cool@ginsberg.CS.Berkeley.EDU
I thought this was timely (and funny) http://www.nando.net/toys/cyrano.html
[Try this out! It's great! Enclosed is one that I made up using
the service:
From: nobody@nando.net
Date: Sat, 21 Jan 95 13:28:05 EST
Subject: My beloved
Dearest Newt,
My love, I can imagine myself kissing your psychotic body and
slathering you with various oils and peanut butter and anchovy
sandwiches. Your kneecap are my anchor in the stormy sea of life; I
wonder how I ever made it through a day without you. Please meet me
dressed in your lederhosen on Valentine's Day and we will celebrate
our self-indulgent love together.
Yours spastically,
Fuzzy
**********************************************
Want to send a love note back to your beloved? Use the URL:
http://www.nando.net/toys/cyrano.html
With all your favorite people on the net, from Bill Joy to Socks the cat,
it is almost too much to bear to think about. Have fun!
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 1995 21:30:46 GMT
From: au232@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (John Hofsess)
Subject: DeathNET: New Cdn WEB service
Newsgroups: can.general
DeathNET is a new WEB service established by The Right to Die Society of
Canada. It offers the world's most extensive collection of "right to die"
materials and services.
Discover for yourself (URL: http://www.islandnet.com/~deathnet) all that
DeathNET has to offer. Sooner or later someone in your family is going to
need the information we provide: dealing with "living wills", palliative
care, assisted suicide and euthanasia.
DeathNET is designed with Netscape Navigator and is best appreciated using
that particular WEB browser. Over 100 people visited DeathNET on its first
day of operations (Jan 10). When you want definitive information on
"choice in dying" and end-of-life issues, you will find DeathNET to be of
service.
[Be very, very careful about choosing the "exit" button on your program
when browsing this site. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 14:40:29 -0700
From: "Gene Kim" <gkim@cs.arizona.edu>
Subject: Desperate people
To: bob
You think this person just lost a huge bet, or is getting ready
for an incredible practical joke? (For a second, my thoughts were
wandering towards the lewd, but I have to believe that any
petroleum-based product would be cheaper than butter. Plus, no
spoilage problems.)
>From: dkc2@po.CWRU.Edu (Duk K. Chung)
>[1] WTB: 160 Tons of Butter *This isn't a joke either*
>Date: Mon Jan 16 13:13:34 MST 1995
>
>
> OK, if you think I'm joking read the 500 tons of Beef entry above.
>
> No Flames please. I am not doing this professionally, actually
> this is the first time I am attempting this.
>
> Need 160 tons of butter 82% sweet white stuff.
>
> If you have large quantities to dump, please contact me with
> approximate cost.
>
> Thanks.
[And he needs 160 tons for just the first attempt. The mind boggles.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Jan 95 4:30:02 EST
From: (null)
Subject: Did I tell you that I told you?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
In the San Francisco Chronicle Tuesday August 30, 1994
Excerpts from Nanette Asimov's article
"Board Meets in Secret to See If It Can"
The California State Board of Education will meet in secret next week to
decide it may meet in secret. No one is saying what the meeting is about.
That, according to a school board spokesman, is a secret.
Secret meetings by public agencies are common. Secret meetings about secret
meetings, athough legal, are less common. Pulic announcements about secret
meetings about secret meetings are required by law.
It's all explained in Govenment Code section 11126(q)(2)(a).
And Government Code Section 11126(q)(2)(a) is explained in "Supplemental
Agenda Notice #2", which the board mailed out this week.
"The California State Board of Education reserves the right to meet in
closed session pursuant to Government Code Section 11126(q)(2)(a) to
determine whether facts and circumstances authorize it to meed in closed
session pusuant to Government Code Section 11126(q)(2)(a)", said the
announcement.
[These folks are ready for the Federal Government... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 15:46:36 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I hope that doesn't bother you...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
There was a recent article in /dev/null comparing Barney and
Rush Limbaugh, which concluded with the final category:
Barney Rush
------ ----
Spawn of Satan? Some say yes Some say yes
Well, further information has been made available to me, which
I forward without comment.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: Beau999@aol.com
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 03:44:27 -0500
To: bostic@cs.berkeley.edu
Subject: Re: Spawn of Satan?
As most of academia. you're absolutely 180 degrees off the mark.
Having spent a great deal of study on Barney (and his charming little
friends), I must inform you that he is a Christ figure, not a satanic
figure. I hope that doesn't bother you--Christ is a far more pathetic
and despicable creature than Satan could ever aspire to. Limbaugh
plays the Christian, but he truely is far more satanic. Barney, alas,
is far more efficient at program ming the vacant minds of the
weak-willed, such as yourself.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 13:59:44 GMT
From: mrl6a@viper.cs.Virginia.EDU (Private Benjamin)
Subject: JAPAN QUAKE DUE TO GAMERA?
Newsgroups: talk.rumors,soc.culture.japanese-monsters,alt.cult-movies,
AmeriCast-Post@AmeriCast.com writes:
>EARTHQUAKE RIPS CENTRAL JAPAN:
> A powerful earthquake rumbled through central Japan early
>Tuesday, killing at least 200 and burying possibly hundreds more.
>The quake at 3:46 p.m. ET Monday measured up to 7.2 on the Richter
>scale. Japan's Geological Survey has voiced concerns that SUPER
>MONSTER GAMERA may be stirring in its subterranean crypt and may
>trigger other more severe quakes in the coming weeks.
[News at 11, unless Mothra blows over the TV tower. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 15:14:04 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: ShopTalk For Thursday January 19, 1995
Comic Argus Hamilton, on lawyers for Qubilah Shabazz,
Malcolm X's daughter, saying the U.S. government entrapped
her into a plot to kill Louis Farrakhan: "It's murky. The
only thing we know for sure about her is that her name's
worth 10,000 points in Scrabble."
o o o
Cirque du O.J.: "Robert Shapiro says that he will never
speak to F. Lee Bailey again. That should save O.J. about
$500 an hour right there." (Leno)
"Things have gotten so bad between them that the other
day, Shapiro asked Judge Lance Ito to sequester Bailey."
(Alex Pearlstein)
"The split came when both demanded that Tom Cruise play
their part in the movie." (Gary Robb)
"How many O.J. lawyers does it take to screw in a light
bulb? TWO! One screws it in, the other tells the tabloids
he did a lousy job." (Tony Peyser)
"The fight proves something we've all suspected: Even
attorneys can't stand attorneys." (R. Alex Kaseberg)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 16:18:24 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
ShopTalk For Monday January 23, 1995
Circue du O.J., Part LXXXVII..."F. Lee Bailey is
threatening to sue Robert Shapiro for every last dime that
O.J. has." (Leno)
"Herpetologists at UCLA were quick to point out that
tempers are always short this time of the year, when
lawyers are shedding their skin." (Bob Mills)
"They found a knife. It was lodged in Shapiro's back and
has Bailey's fingerprints on it." (Tony Peyser)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 15 Jan 1995 13:51:11 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Not just any key.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: sam@hyla.chez.sgi.com (Sam Leffler)
Forwarded-by: narad@nudibranch.asd.sgi.com (Chuck Narad)
Forwarded-by: funny@clarinet.com (Maddi Hausmann Sojourner)
In article <S7b7.2f52@clarinet.com>, ddm@wpi.edu writes:
Rule for software developers. Never stand over the shoulder of a beta
tester. Once, I was watching Jane test the latest version of our
software. When a message appeared on the screen, "Press any key to
continue", Jane pressed the letter 'j'.
I thought I was going to have heart failure.
"JANE!" I screamed, "Why did you press J?!!?"
"It said any key."
"Yeah, but... when programmers say any key, they mean the
space bar!"
At which point my fellow programmer looked at me and said,
"We do? I thought we meant enter."
[Me, I always try "break". --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 15:06:31 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ontological engineering
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
I made the trip to webster's new universal unabridged for this one.
ontology is the branch of metaphysics dealing with the nature of
being or reality. I guess that ontological engineers come to work
in the morning, crank out a universe or two, and break for lunch.
The part I like best is that programming ability is a plus, but not
required.
mike
======================================================================
From: Karen Pittman <karen@MCC.COM>
Cycorp is seeking enthusiastic, highly-motivated multi-talented people
for positions in software development, ontological engineering, and
natural language processing. [ ... ]
Ontological Engineering
-----------------------
o Facility with formal logic (predicate calculus)
o Preferably some background in AI, esp. knowledge representation
o Programming ability is a plus, but not required
[ ... ]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 14:02:30 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Patch Of The Day.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: matthew green <mrg@fulcrum.com.au>
>From the latest kernel jumbo patch for Solaris 2.3:
1181258 SAVECORE SEGMENTATION FAULT WHILE TRYING TO SAVE CORE
["We would have patched it sooner, but we had trouble getting
a core file."
If Sun numbers their bug reports sequentially, this is funnier
than it might first appear... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Jan 1995 19:27:52 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: pretty tame.....
To: spaf
Found lurking in an iowa group......
From: ceicher@ins.infonet.net (Charles Eicher)
Subject: Re: ISEC meeting
Lines: 12
In article <tyger.790388152@isum2.iastate.edu>, tyger@iastate.edu
(Lori L Brown) wrote:
> The first 1995 meeting of the International Society for Endangered Cats
ha! I thought it was going to be an announcement of the Iowa Securities
and Exchange Commission..
[Very similar, actually. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Jan 1995 10:57:51 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
The lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne.
-- Chaucer
[Hmm, based on the spelling, Chaucer is alive and
well and posting to the Usenet. Still not long enough, eh?
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 15 Jan 1995 13:26:23 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Over the next decade or so the tulip became a popular but expensive item
in Dutch gardens. Many of these flowers succumbed to a nonfatal virus
known as mosaic. It was this mosaic that helped to trigger the wild
speculation in tulip bulbs. The virus caused the tulip petals to develop
contrasting colored stripes or "flames." The Dutch valued highly these
infected bulbs, called "bizarres." In a short time, popular taste
dictated that the more bizzare a bulb, the greater the cost of owning it.
-- A Random Walk Down Wall Street, Burton G. Malkiel
[It isn't just the Dutch or tulips... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 95 12:31:56 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: QOTD
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: editor-bounce@netsurf.com (Netsurfer Digest)
"All we are, basically, are monkeys with car keys."
- Grandma Woody (Northern Exposure)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 14:13:05 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Psychiatry as practiced by some of today's itinerant experts-for-hire
is this century's alchemy. No, that is unfair to alchemists, who were
confused but honest.
-- George F. Will, "Washington Post", June 23, 1982,
as quoted in Low, et. al. "The Trial of John Hinckley,
Jr.: A Case Study in the Insanity Defense" 1986: 132-3.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 15:04:25 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
When you are confronted by any complex social system, such as an urban
center or a hamster, with things about it that you're dissatisfied with
and anxious to fix, you cannot just step in and set about fixing with much
hope of helping. This realization is one of the sore discouragements of
our century. Jay Forrester has demonstrated it mathematically, with his
computer models of cities in which he makes clear that whatever you
propose to do, based on common sense, will almost inevitably make matters
worse rather than better. You cannot meddle with one part of a complex
system from the outside without the almost certain risk of setting off
disastrous events that you hadn't counted on in other, remote parts. If
you want to fix something you are first obliged to understand, in detail,
the whole system, and for very large systems you can't do this without a
very large computer. Even then, the safest course seems to be to stand
by and wring hands, but not to touch.
Intervening is a way of causing trouble.
-- Lewis Thomas, from the essay "On Meddling" in the collection
"The Medusa and the Snail", The Viking Press, New York, 1979:
[This explains the Pentium, Microsoft, and several other things,
unfortunately. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 14:05:19 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Question of the Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
Why are they called `skinheads' when they're really boneheads?
-- Harlan Ellison
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Jan 95 10:37:21 CST
From: mbraun@hydra.urbana.mcd.mot.com (Matthew Braun)
Subject: Silly signature...
To: spaf
moc.tom.mmoc@psevad \ yelsnepS evaD | Dave Spensley / davesp@comm.mot.com
"I bought the Star Trek chess set and the Civil War chess set.
Now I have the South fight the Klingons."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 95 18:24:23 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: SPAM(tm) and the Statue of Liberty
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
Forwarded-By: josh@happy-man.com
"A newly developed 52-page cookbook, entitled 'The Great Taste of
SPAM,' contains 72 delicious recipes for snacks and appetizers,
salads, sandwiches, soups, stews and hearty main dishes, including 20
percent devoted to light and healthy entrees that have less than 30
percent calories from fat. .... Reaching a pinnacle of media
attention, SPAM luncheon meat shared the cover of _The New York Times
Magazine_ with the Statue of Liberty."
-- from the Hormel Foods Corporation 1994 Annual report
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 11:40:55 -0500
From: joeg@bronze.lcs.mit.edu (Joe Gaudreau {Dances with PostScript})
Subject: Terrible...
To: spaf
I saw a button at a sci-fi convention that reads "333 Number of Eric the
Half-a-Beast"...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Jan 1995 11:46:07 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The customer as editor.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Tim Wright <timw@sequent.com>
From: dand@usa.net (Dan D)
Subject: Chicago/Win 95
Date: Thu, 5 Jan 95 12:20:06 EST
I was at my local book store the other day, browsing through
the computer books when I found a book on Windows 95 and the
evolution of Chicago.
I moved it over to the fiction section.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Jan 1995 11:23:27 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The irony, the irony...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
http://www.usps.gov/WelcomeG.html
is the US Postal Service's home page.
At the end of the page, it says
Send inquiries to jwilli17@email.usps.gov.
I dunno, *I* thought the irony was somewhat amusing - at least he
didn't also have a line speaking of a "snail mail" address....
% ping email.usps.gov
PING email.usps.gov (56.224.0.254): 56 data bytes
^C
--- email.usps.gov ping statistics ---
3 packets transmitted, 0 packets received, 100% packet loss
% traceroute !$
traceroute email.usps.gov
traceroute to email.usps.gov (56.224.0.254), 30 hops max, 40 byte
packets
1 198.95.224.1 (198.95.224.1) 2 ms 2 ms 2 ms
2 131.119.74.29 (131.119.74.29) 3 ms 4 ms 3 ms
3 131.119.13.1 (131.119.13.1) 5 ms 5 ms 15 ms
4 fd-0.enss128.t3.ans.net (192.31.48.244) 5 ms !H 5 ms !H 5 ms !H
To quote the "traceroute" man page:
Other possible annotations after the time are !H, !N, !P
(got a host, network or protocol unreachable, respectively), ...
So the USPS's main e-mail gateway gets a "host unreachable" when we try
to contact it....
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 95 18:26:12 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Thin Mints and Tarts ... er ... I mean Torts
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
From: robert@rockmore.com (Robert D. Poor)
National Public Radio reported this morning that the state of Maine has imposed
a six percent "Snack Tax" that applies to all snack foods, including Girl Scout
Cookies. In defending the application of the tax to those cookies we've all
grown to, um, tolerate, the state Tax Controller said something to the effect
of "Scouting teaches young men and women for the lessons of life. One of those
lessons is that you must pay your taxes."
The Girl Scouts are responding by taking the state of Maine to court.
The Girl Scouts ARE learning an important lesson, a lesson that's central to
the American Way of Life and dear to its constituents. But I shudder to think
that this event may be creating a gaggle of junior litigators and future
attorneys.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 14:11:41 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: To keep out the rif-raff.
To: aldous@mundil.cs.mu.OZ.AU
Forwarded-by: aldous@mundil.cs.mu.OZ.AU (Matthew David ALDOUS)
Annual Psychics convention.
---------------------------
You know where.
You know when.
You know how much.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 14:56:47 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: We're seeing it a lot in hockey...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: ShopTalk For Wednesday January 18, 1995
CLEARING OUT THE PASSAGES
The Breathe Right Nasal Dilator is like a
breath of fresh air for football and hockey players
By Shari Roan
Los Angeles Times Health Writer
Black cream smeared under the eyes has been a fashion statement in
pro sports for eons. But if you watched any of the football
playoffs, there is a new addition to those fabulous faces.
In the last three months, the Breathe Right Nasal Dilator has
caught on among players the way 49er Jerry Rice (or, in the
interest of fairness, Charger Tony Martin) catches passes: big
time. And no one is happier than Dan Cohen, chairman of CNS, the
Minneapolis-based company marketing the device.
Last fall, Cohen sent the product to NFL team trainers.
Philadelphia Eagles trainer Otho Davis recommended it to Herschel
Walker because he had a bad cold.
"Walker scored a couple of touchdowns that week and said, "This
feels so good, I'm going to keep wearing it.'" Cohen recalls
Meant to reduce snoring, the Breathe Right looks like a bandage
with two springy strips of plastic running through it. When placed
over the nose correctly, it gently pulls the nasal passages open to
allow air to flow more freely.
Football players, including 49er running back Ricky Watters, seem
to like it because they labor so hard and only have a brief period
between plays to catch their breath. Moreover, many players wear
mouthpieces that obstruct breathing.
With baited breath, Cohen is waiting for the product -- which costs
about $5 for a box of 10 -- to catch on with other athletes.
"We're seeing it a lot in hockey because, in that sport, a lot of
players have broken their noses and don't breathe as well."
[I hope it doesn't catch on in my classes. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 95 00:04:36 EST
From: kclark@koan (Kevin D. Clark)
Subject: When a man loves a shaman (from Harpers)
To: spaf
The following appeared in the October 1994 issue of Harpers magazine
on page 34:
(begin quote)
[Announcement]
When a Man Loves a Shaman
{\em From ``In Celebration,'' a column announcing gay weddings and ceremonies,
in the June 10 Seattle Gay News.}
Robert Douglas Thoma
James Dale Jedrick Hamilton
May 21, 1994
Bob and Jim celebrated the sealing of their relationship in a joining
ceremony, following Jim's death and rebirth in a Shamanic Rite of Passage,
May 21 at the Edge of Circle. The tribal ceremony, consisting of an
exchange of frenum rings, was witnessed by a group of LeatherKin,
family, faeries, and friends.
The piercings were given by Steve Reiswig, with Larry Lynn as ring bearer.
Taoist and Gay Mythic readings were offered by Misha Russell. Bob's mother,
Michael Calleros, serenaded on the bagpipes.
The couple first met in August 1991 at the Seattle Eagle while Jim was
visiting from Misoula, Montana. On July 15, 1992, their relationship
was blessed in Montana by Stephanie, an Earth Mother clad in a pewter
breastplate and a skirt of sunflowers. Jim moved to Seattle the next
day.
Bob is an area native. The two will continue to call Capitol Hill their
home.
(end quote)
[And it wasn't even in California! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 13:41:53 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: why doctors earn big bucks.....
To: spaf
anonymous@anon.penet.fi asks...
=> I'm a heterosexual male in my early 30's. Anytime I have intercourse or
=> masturbate, I always get nasal congestion the following day, and cannot
=> breathe properly.
steve dipirro (dipirro@str.enet.dec.com) tries to help
=> Let's see. Are you always in an upside-down position when
=> you ejaculate? If so, turn right side up and you'll stop
=> ejaculating up your nose. The congestion should clear right
=> up.
=>
=> Now, don't you wish you asked a doctor instead?
[I assume Charlie found this in a newsgroup. We can only speculate
which one. The same with with announcements about the endangered cat
meetings? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Jan 1995 10:01:31 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Word Of The Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
I daresay this is an auto-spam of Cantorseigalian proportions taking
place.
-- priest@fraser.sfu.ca (David Priest), news.admin.misc
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Jan 1995 13:27:02 +0000 (GMT)
From: "Trevor Kirby" <Trevor.Kirby@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: yucks bits
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
culled off alt.tastless (poster weberm@freenet.scri.fsu.edu (Mike Weber))
A woman holding her cat hostage in a grocery store with a knife was
shot and killed by Gresham police.
Nevada:
Bob Stupak, owner of the 1150 foot Stratosphere Tower, has pissed off
the Southwest Airlines Pilots' Association because he wants to put
laser beams on the tower. In 1993, a Southwest pilot suffered
temporary eye damage when a casino laser zapped hmi as he flew over
the city.
California:
Three copies of a $50 sci-fi bok called Drawing Blood were marked up
to$600 each because they smelled like burnt human flesh. When a man
set himself afire in a Los Angeles book distribution center, the books
absorbed his fumes. [Damn! Would have made the PERFECT TSS gift too!]
Testimony durinfg a Santa Ana murder was postponed when a juror glued
her eyes shut during a break. Lynda Appling mistakenly put fingernail
glue in her eye.
SUFFOLK, Va. (UPI) -- A Smithfield Packing truck spilled more than 700
pounds of soured pig parts on a Suffolk street when the driver slammed
on the brakes. When the truck jerked to a halt, the hog heads, feet
and entrails poured out over the top. They spilled onto the street, the
sidewalk, and two Jehovah's Witnesses. Ten public works employees had
to be summoned to clean up the mess. Said public works director Tom
Hines: ``We were standing in guts, heads and feet 8 inches deep at the
curb line.'' To make matters worse, the pig parts already had turned
rank. ``We wear safety equipment,'' Hines said. ``But we're not
equipped for dealing with pig heads.'' His biggest safety concern was
that a pedestrian might slip on some intestines. But Hines said the
spill ``smalled bad enough that people stayed away.'' The meat-packing
giant promised a new set of clothes to the Jehovah's Witnesses, who
regularly pass out literature to shoppers on Main Street, the Norfolk
Virginian-Pilot reported Thursday. The stench was so thick, cleanup
crews had to work in shifts so they could take a break for fresh air.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------