[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V6 #8 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 18 Jun 96 Volume 6 : Issue 8
Today's Topics:
A sick joke from Yerkes primate lab
Bridge for sale... Cheap!
Deja Voodoo
Great low prices on frozen rats!
Hum Aapke Hai Kaun
if I tell you you need to sacrifice a goat with a vorpal blade...
If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up...
Incompatible compatibility routines.
JOTD
JOTD - Seeing Eye Chihuahua
Lyrics to the Star Trek theme
Malaria Mosquitos Love Sweaty Feet, Say Researchers
Microsoft Motors
No prizes for guessing the hostname part of his address.
QOTD (3 msgs)
QOTD - Babaloo Rum Dust
QOTD finalists -- the pragmatic viewpoint
Quote of the day (3 msgs)
spring ahead, fall back, fall back, fall back, fall back
Tasty Bits from TBTF for 10/30/95 - Satire Online
Top ten things that will get you kicked out of a bookstore
Updated Lord's prayer
USE OF THESE COMMODITIES FOR MISSILE, CHEMICAL OR NUCLEAR USE ...
Using your pets for Random Number generation
Voodoo Acupuncture
You want irony? Ha! (Connect the dots...)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html> and subscriptions can
be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 95 4:30:16 EDT
From: CREPEAU_LORING%P-NEDU.CCBRIDGE.SEAA.mrouter@seaa.navsea.navy.mil (CREPEAU_LORING)
Subject: A sick joke from Yerkes primate lab
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynocologist, and each of
them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first
one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the
others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and
strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a
pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on
this sweater!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Oct 1995 17:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Bridge for sale... Cheap!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: David C Lawrence <tale@uunet.uu.net>
Observed by Ron Frederick <frederic@parc.xerox.com> and many other
rec.humor.funny readers ...
The following joke was posted to rec.humor.funny recently:
Hi-Tech Coasters - Free!
This is a special, limited offer for free hi-tech coasters to place your
cups and mugs upon.
Sized and shaped exactly like 3 1/2" high density disks, these durable
plastic coasters will provide years of service while keeping your hardwood
furniture free of those nasty rings of dried soda and coffee. Order
several to leave around the house - for the living room, next to the
computer, etc. Coasters can be custom printed with the word "Macintosh"
or "Windows" to suit your individual preferences.
Flash! For extra-large mugs, we now provide coasters that are the exact
size and shape as CD-ROM's! Be the first on the block to put your mug
down on the hippest coaster today!
For your free coaster, call America Online today at (800) 445-6622.
Order now!
A few days later, the following "Adminstrative note" was found in the group:
[Note - the previous "Hi-Tech Coasters!" offer was, of course, a joke,
poking fun at the ease with which AOL distributes its start-up diskettes.
The joke was apparently subtle enough for people to take it as a real
offer. Please don't flood AOL with calls asking for the "free coaster",
as they won't have a clue what you're talking about - ed.]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 95 23:24:41 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Deja Voodoo
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
From: eljefe@netcom.com (Jef Jaisun)
Q: Deja Voodoo...
A: The feeling that someone far away is sticking pins in you again.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Nov 1995 09:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Great low prices on frozen rats!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: jim@reptiles.org (Jim Mercer)
Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 23:48:52 -0500
From: "randyw@link2000.net" <Randy.Woods@link2000.net>
To: info@reptiles.org
Subject: frozen rats
I an interested in seeing if someone would like to trade
frozen rats for reptiles? We would trade merchandise for
merchandise or take advantage of my great low prices on
frozen rats.
SMALL AND MEDIUM RATS ONLY
50 cents A PIECE!
For more information call (317) 653-2784
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 18:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Hum Aapke Hai Kaun
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: David C Lawrence <tale@uunet.uu.net>
Forwarded-by: Shiva Ramabadran <shiva@nandi.com>
Forwarded-by: manoj@pipeline.com (Manoj N. Seshan)
Subject: True Story in Bangalore...
["Hum Aapke Hai Kaun" is a figure of speech which roughly translates to
"What am I to you ?" or "What relationship do we have ?"
It's also the name of a very popular Indian movie currently running in
India. -- Shiva ]
A few days ago, my neighbour's new scooter was stolen from his garage.
A police complaint was registered and investigations started. Two days
later this family received a touching letter. It was from the thief. The
thief explained why he had stolen the scooter. He claimed that his wife
was undergoing labor pains and had to be rushed to the hospital that
night. Since no other transport was available in the middle of the night,
he had no other option but to steal their scooter. He wrote to them that
he was very sorry for the inconvenience.
The family and police were taken aback by the letter. They did not know
how to react. Imagine the joy of the family when they found their scooter
parked in their garage, the next morning. With it came a box of sweets
and another letter for the family. This time the strange thief wrote that
he was very thankful to the family for their scooter. He wrote his wife
had delivered a baby girl and now the baby and mother were in good health.
He wanted them to share his joy, hence, he was leaving behind a box of
sweets and tickets for next Sunday's night show for the movie _Hum Aapake
Hai Kaun_. The family was touched and the police closed the case with a
smile.
The next Sunday, the entire family went for the movie. They were only too
glad to have the tickets because the tickets were being sold at a premium
and had to be booked at least 3 weeks in advance. At midnight when the
family returned , they were horrified to see their house completely
ransacked and a welcome note on their door read "Hum Aapake Hai Kaun"!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Nov 1995 11:05:04 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: if I tell you you need to sacrifice a goat with a vorpal blade...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: jim@SmallWorks.COM (Jim Thompson)
Forwarded-by: sjs@sunthing.sjsinc.com (Stefan Jon Silverman)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject:
The Dark Rituals of Unix
Date:
Wed, 13 Sep 1995 12:46:41 GMT
From:
ogre@netcom.com (Mr. Ogre)
Organization:
ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/og/ogre/home.html
Newsgroups:
alt.religion.kibology, alt.folklore.computers, alt.irc, alt.religion.emacs
Recently I've been spending some of my valuable free time hanging out
on IRC, mostly on #unix, the channel where crusty old fart^H^H^H^HUnix
gurus /kick people for asking questions. Note I didn't say "stupid
questions" or "questions unrelated to Unix" I just said questions.
Anyway, I, as a good samaritan, occasionally try to answer a question.
Now what really bugs me is that people never take me seriously. Animal
sacrifice is no joking matter, if I tell you you need to sacrifice a goat
with a vorpal blade on an altar of granite in order to untar your file,
I mean it. The man page for tar even says so. The reason most people
don't realize this is that the man page is purposefully confusing in order
to keep the unskilled practictioners from hurting themselves.
Furthermore, the number of cats present in your household is an
important factor in determining the exact ritual for virtually every Unix
command. When I ask you to supply this information, I am not being
frivolous or misleading. To answer your question about what program you
use to rename a file, I desperately need to know the strength of the
feline aura in your vicinity.
In the future, please realize that I know more than you, and that all
my questions are relative to your problem, whether or not it seems that
way to you.
Joe
AKA MrOgre, often found on #unix in the dark hours when the
mana runs hot through the circuits of Unix boxen.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Nov 1995 07:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
[Cleaned up from rec.humor ...]
Contributors: mick@bmerh965.bnr.ca (Mike Harris),
mv002c@uhura.cc.rochester.edu (Mark D. Vanderbilt),
swgarrett@mmm.com, Wanderer <jjohnson@puc.edu>
How is sex like riding a bicycle?
---------------------------------
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamilar
territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until
you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of
experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are
really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually
best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direcction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 1995 19:05:05 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Incompatible compatibility routines.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: hpaul@more.net (H. Paul Hammann)
Forwarded-by: Eric Allman <eric@cs.berkeley.edu>
Lifted from the Solaris 2.5b sys/time.h:
/*
* gettimeofday() and settimeofday() were included in SVr4 due to their
* common use in BSD based applications. They were to be included exactly
* as in BSD, with two parameters. However, AT&T/USL noted that the second
* parameter was unused and deleted it, thereby making a routine included
* for compatibility, uncompatible.
*
* XSH4.2 (spec 1170) defines gettimeofday and settimeofday to have two
* parameters.
*
* This has caused general disagreement in the application community as to
* the syntax of these routines. Solaris defaults to the XSH4.2 definition.
* The flag _SVID_GETTOD * may be used to force the SVID version.
*/
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Oct 1995 16:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "G.O.G." <GGRAYLEE@alexandria.lib.utah.edu>
Forwarded-by: Marcel Dubois <marcel@ocv.com>
Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, and Bob Packwood go to see the Wizard
of Oz. "I'd like a brain," said Clinton. And the Wizard granted
him a brain.
"I have need of a heart," said Gingrich.
"Very well, have a heart," said the Wizard. "And you, Senator, what
would you like?"
"Ummmm... well, is Dorothy around?"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Nov 95 14:45:32 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: JOTD - Seeing Eye Chihuahua
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: Lani Herrmann <lanih@info.sims.berkeley.edu>
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu (Jennifer L Michael)
A man with a dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. The
bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that German shepherd in here." The
man says "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" To which the bartender says,
"Well, OK, then I guess it can stay."
After a while, the man and the German shepherd get up to leave. As they
go out the door, they meet another man with a Chihuahua about to go in.
The first man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here,
but if you can convince him it's a seeing eye dog then it'll be OK". The
second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds,
then thanks the first man and goes on in.
The bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!". The
man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 95 23:11:42 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Lyrics to the Star Trek theme
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
Forwarded-by: "Geoffrey Skinner" <Geoffrey.Skinner@Forsythe.Stanford.EDU>
Forwarded-by: drich@morpheus.corp.sgi.com (Dan Rich)
[forwards, etc. deleted--this was submitted to the NetFOBS
(Net Friends of the Bobs) mailing list]
Ok, I finally remembered to bring it in, here goes (run now if you're
smart! :-)
Beyond the rim of the starlight,
My love is wand'ring in star flight.
I know he'll find in star clustered reaches
love, strange love a starwoman teaches.
I know his journey ends never;
His STAR TREK will go on forever
But tell him while he wanders his starry sea
Remember, remember me.
This is why Roddenberry should not be allowed to write lyrics!!!!
And, if you're not nice to me, I'll post the lyrics to the Andy
Griffith theme... :-)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Oct 95 00:13 CDT
From: heiby@falkor.chi.il.us (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Malaria Mosquitos Love Sweaty Feet, Say Researchers
To: spaf
AMSTERDAM, Oct 12 (Reuter) - Sweaty feet and smelly Dutch cheese whet
the appetites of malaria mosquitos, Dutch entymologists said on Thursday.
Researchers at the Wageningen agricultural university said malaria
mosquitos showed a "clear preference for the specific human foot scent"
in tests involving people with both washed and unwashed feet.
Further tests with a piece of strongly-scented, ripe Dutch Limburger
cheese, made in the south of the Netherlands, produced an equally strong
response, they said in a report.
Limburger -- a pungent, white, soft cheese -- was chosen because it
smells like "toe-cheese" found between human toes, the scientists said.
But Gert van Maanen, a spokesman for the university, said that
encouraging people to wash their feet more often was not a plausible
defence against malaria.
"Even if you washed your feet every 10 minutes it would be very
difficult to get rid of the smell -- it is a basic human smell," he
told Reuters.
He said research was continuing to find out whether the odour could
be produced artificially for use in mosquito traps.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 95 12:30 EDT
From: lda@research.att.com (Larry Auton)
Subject: Microsoft Motors
To: spaf
From: Alan Buckwalter - x5586 <alan.buckwalter@eq.gs.com>
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 1995 09:33:44 -0400
The Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars :
1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that
year, instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new
car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to
restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought
a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. When the car would breakdown, a car voice would say,
"The car is broken down, OK ?"
6. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a
single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars,
forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for
years.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
10. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 1995 09:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: No prizes for guessing the hostname part of his address.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Yeah, I know, it's cruel, but....
(You get some of the most *interesting* posts when you read "alt.sex.nfs".
If the phone numbers they listed weren't 900 numbers, I'd be tempted to
call some of them to ask Candi for advice on improving NFS performance....)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: hfootesr@aol.com (HFootesr)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.motss,alt.sex.movies,alt.sex.nasal-hair,alt.sex.necrophilia,alt.sex.nfs,alt.sex.nudels.me.too,alt.sex.pictures,alt.sex.pictures.d,alt.sex.pictures.female,alt.sex.pictures.male,alt.sex.plushies,alt.sex.prevost.derbecker,alt.sex.safe,alt.sex.services,alt.sex.sheep.baaa.baaa.baaa.moo,alt.sex.sm.fig,alt.sex.sounds,alt.sex.spam,alt.sex.spanking,alt.sex.stories
Subject: Re: FREE ADULT XXX CD-ROM!!!
Date: 22 Oct 1995 19:07:49 -0400
Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)
Message-ID: <46eis5$7a4@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
I'm not sure this is the way, if not please help! Will you please also
forward to me the free CD-ROM for Adults.
Herb Foote
155 Mammoth Road.
Manchester, N.H. 03109-4201
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 1995 13:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: lkesteloot@pdi.com (Lawrence Kesteloot)
Forwarded-by: Andre Kesteloot <akestel@mrj.com>
If I said anything which implies that I think that we didn't do what we
should have done given the choices we faced at the time, I shouldn't have
said that.
-- President Bill Clinton (yesterday)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 1995 08:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Eric Olson <ejo@maxwell.gi.alaska.EDU>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
"I admit," he said, "that he has the crushed, drooping look of a
married man, but at present he's only engaged."
-- P. G. Wodehouse, _If I Were You_
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Oct 1995 11:05:04 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
John Bobbitt wants to get back with Lorena. It's the old story;
he didn't know what he had till it was gone.
-- Jim Mullen's 'Hot Sheet' in "Entertainment Weekly"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Nov 95 22:52:51 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: QOTD - Babaloo Rum Dust
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
"If you cannot laugh at yourself,
I will laugh at you."
- Guru Babaloo Rum Dust
channeled by Ron Schultz
at the Northwest Book Festival
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 95 16:13:53 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: QOTD finalists -- the pragmatic viewpoint
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
[ From Meta's net.quotes at `http://www.domino.org/~meta/quotes/']
You catch more flies with honey than you do with napalm -- but the
napalm really gets people's attention.
- Meredith Tanner <merde@crl.com>
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- John Benfield <john@attcan.UUCP>
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Nov 1995 10:05:04 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: gcunha@draper.com (Gary Cunha)
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
-- Mitch Ratliffe
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 Nov 1995 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"It wasn't until I had performed my first autopsy that I realized that
even the drabest human exteriors could contain the most beautiful
viscera. After that, I would console myself for the plainness of my
fellow bus-riders by dissecting them in my imagination."
- J.B.S. Haldane
Submitted by: "Aliza R. Panitz" <buglady@access.digex.net>
Aug. 5, 1995
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 14:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Allan Noordvyk <allan@cetus.ali.bc.ca>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
The problem with the global village is all the global village idiots.
-- P. Ginsparg
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Nov 1995 09:44:34 -0800
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: spring ahead, fall back, fall back, fall back, fall back
To: yucks
From: crompton@nadc.nadc.navy.mil (D. Crompton)
Subject: Re: WIN95 & daylight savings..
Just a note to say that I was online with Windows95 when
it became 2 AM last Saturday. It gave me a message that
It had set the time back. I then stayed online until the
clock again said 2 AM and I got the same message and setback
AGAIN! Guess I would have gotten that every hour until the
date changed???
I had to set the clock back ahead in the BIOS the next day.
Doug
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Oct 95 12:32:42 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Tasty Bits from TBTF for 10/30/95 - Satire Online
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Excerpted-from: TBTF for 10/30/95
(TBTF = "Tasty Bits from the Technology Front")
By: dawson@world.std.com (Keith Dawson)
An update from Brooks Talley's "Satire Online" project. For those of you
who weren't tuned in to TBTF for 9/3/95, Brooks is the perpetrator of a
number of bogus and highly amusing political Web pages. For the full story
see <http://www.atria.com/~dawson/tbtf/archive/0037.html>. Here is Brooks
recounting how his spoof has recently, inadvertently, ensnared America
Online:
> Since September 25th, AOL has had a link somewhere encouraging members to
> send suggestions about the federal budget crisis to Bill Clinton, Newt
> Gingrich, and Bob Dole. AOL even provided a convenient form for members
> to do so. Clinton's mail went to Bill's real email address, as did Newt's.
> Dole's, however, went to aiken@dole96.org, our spoof address.
> When we started getting 4 or 5 "Federal Budget Suggestions" a day, we
> set up an auto-reply, which sent back a brief but twisted response
> (appended below).
> This went on until October 25th, when AOL moved this "Federal Budget
> Suggestion" link to their news "Top Story". Since Wednesday we've
> received over 1000 of these suggestions, and mailed back over a 1000 of
> these responses.
The auto reply follows.
> Thank you for your suggestions regarding the Federal Budget. As an
> important senator, and a candidate for President, it is important that I
> appear to care about your opinion.
> Unfortunately, there are a lot of suggestions coming in every day. It
> is not possible to review each one personally, but a select few are
> brought to my attention.
> The main problem that I have with most people's suggestions are that
> they involve cutting expenditures. Let's face it: if we cut the
> Democrats' pet projects, then they'll go after ours. If not today, then
> sometime soon.
> The only way the Federal Budget process can work is if both sides
> support each other and avoid partisan bickering over what projects to
> cut, by mutually agreeing not to cut anything substantive.
> Again, thank you for your input.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 1995 19:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Top ten things that will get you kicked out of a bookstore
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: carolyn meinel <cmeinel@unm.edu>
From: Robert H. Fritz <70372.2473@compuserve.com>
TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU KICKED OUT OF A BOOKSTORE:
1. Sneak up behind someone reading a romance novel and make kissing noises.
2. Throw a book-signing party -- even though you haven't written a book.
3. Lick a cookbook, pause, shake your head, and move on to the next one.
4. Carry out a stack of Shirley MacLaine's books; tell the clerk you paid
for them in a previous life.
5. Shout really loudly, "Hey look, everybody! 'Penis' is in the dictionary!"
6. Ask if there's a Books on Tape version of "Mein Kampf" read by Carol
Channing.
7. Sweep the science fiction books off the shelf and scream, "Nothing but
Earthling lies!"
8. Return a copy of the Bible; say you couldn't find Waldo in it anywhere.
9. Loudly announce that you have naked photos of Nancy Drew.
10. Push over bookshelves like giant Dominoes.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Nov 95 14:35:09 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Updated Lord's prayer
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
[Much religious material in use today was actually written many years ago; as
a result, the language used is either incomprehensible or at least likely to
be misinterpreted and misunderstood. A periodic updating to clarify and
breathe life into the archaic language is obviously needed. For example...
-psl]
Forwarded-by: Lani Herrmann <lanih@info.sims.berkeley.edu>
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu (Jennifer L Michael)
Forwarded-by: Nancy L Watterson
Forwarded-by: Kristine Lynn Rabberman
The revised Lord's Prayer as sent by The Reverend Kenneth Scott of
Thornhill, Ontario to the Toronto _Globe_&_Mail_ and there published
Saturday, 15 November 1986 on p. D7.
Our universal chairperson in outer space
your identity enjoys the highest rating on a prioritized selectivity scale
may your sphere of influence take on reality parameters
may your mindset be implemented
on this planet as in outer space.
Allot to us, at this point in time and on a per diem basis, a sufficient
and balanced dietary food intake
and rationalize a disclaimer against our negative feedback
as we rationalize a disclaimer against the negative feedback of others
and deprogram our negative potentialities
but desensitize the impact of the counter-productive force
for yours is the dominant sphere of influence,
the ultimate capability (non-nuclear),
and the highest qualitative analysis rating
at this point in time and extending
beyond a limited time-frame.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 1995 08:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: USE OF THESE COMMODITIES FOR MISSILE, CHEMICAL OR NUCLEAR USE ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: ron@canuck.com (Ron Hill)
Lately the SCSI drive's been sounding like an elk looking for a mate, but
it's under warranty, so no sweat. Back it goes to the factory, right?
Wrong.
Gotta have that Special Cardboard Box. Fortunately, the company will
FedEx one for free! It arrived the other day, along with this invoice:
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
LINE PRODUCT NUMBER QTY. INVOICED UOM NET UNIT PRICE NET EXTENSION
PRODUCT DESC QTY. BACK ORDERED LIST PRICE
1 R135412-02-1 1 EA 0.00 0.00
SINGLE PACK CARTON 0
-------------
SUBTOTAL: 0.00
=============
TOTAL: (USD) 0.00
REPLACEMENT VALUE FOR CUSTOMS PURPOSES ONLY: US$5.--
THESE COMMODITIES LICENSED BY THE UNITED STATES FOR
ULTIMATE DESTINATION "SEE SHIP TO ADDRESS".
DIVERSION CONTRARY TO U.S. LAW IS PROHIBITED. USE OF THESE
COMMODITIES FOR MISSILE, CHEMICAL OR NUCLEAR USE IS
SPECIFICALLY PROHIBITED.
ORIGIN OF GOODS: DISK DRIVES - SINGAPORE
DISK SUBSYSTEMS - U.S.A.
CABLES & KITS - U.S.A.
WE CERTIFY THE VALUE OF THIS INVOICE IS FULL, CORRECT AND
TRUE.
CERTIFIED: <signature>
M*CR*P*L*S CORPORATION
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Damn! It was just perfect for that brick of Plutonium-239 I've been wanting
to ship to Libya. (Note to the NSA: PHFFFFT.)
When cardboard boxes are outlawed, only outlaws will have cardboard boxes.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 06 Nov 1995 17:49:56 -0500
From: dole (Bryn Robert Dole)
Subject: Using your pets for Random Number generation
To: swlodin, mcrosbie, spaf, krsul
As Seen on the Firewalls mailing list:
From: peter@nmti.com (Peter da Silva)
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 1995 11:38:43 -0600 (CST)
Subject: Re: cryptography (was one-time-pads)
> A common misunderstanding about randomness: it's not something
> you create or generate; it is something you *gather* -- the trick is
> finding good places to observe unpredictable behavior. Quantum events,
> cosmic radiation, cats, are all things that can be recorded, which are
> basically unpredictable, and which can be used to source random bits.
According to Karen Pryor, an animal trainer, the best source of random
bits is either an otter or Doctor John C. Lilly. Cats are really very
predictable by comparison with cognitive theorists and aquatic mustelids.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Oct 1995 07:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Voodoo Acupuncture
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>
Voodoo Accupuncture. You don't even have to go: you'll just be
walking down the street and suddenly, "Ooohhhh, that's MUCH better..."
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Nov 95 14:48:17 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: You want irony? Ha! (Connect the dots...)
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: eljefe@netcom.com (Jef Jaisun)
From the "Passages" obit column of the Seattle Times, 11/5/95:
Terry Southern, 71, novelist whose screenplay for "Dr. Stranglove"
captured the tension and release of the 1960's.
Leo M. Jercinovic, 75, who helped build the first atomic bomb and sat with
it on its automobile trip from Los Alamos, NM to the test site in July, 1945.
[Yaaaahoooooo! -psl]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------