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Yucks Digest V1 #109



Yucks Digest                Tue, 10 Dec 91       Volume 1 : Issue 109 

Today's Topics:
       'Walking dead' terrorise teenage girls in Pacific island
                      ARE YOU AN INTERNET NERD?
                      Bright AT&T Billing sys? 
             British violinist Nigel Kennedy gets a Bambi
             DB: SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER TO STAY OPPRESSED
                               Message
                             Net acronyms
                          ON THE AIR COLUMN 
                            On Wisconsin!
                            Reasons Why...
                      Stupid Phone Number Tricks
                               tax man
                        The Perfect Xmas Gift
                         Yucks Digest V1 #108

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.  It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.

Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
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----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Fri, 6 Dec 91 20:16:17 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: 'Walking dead' terrorise teenage girls in Pacific island
To: yucks-request

   by MICHAEL FIELD

   WELLINGTON, Dec 7 (AFP) - A strange story of ghosts terrorising
high school students is gripping a tiny South Pacific island, which
has seen two girls die in unexplained circumstances, graves robbed
and human remains stolen.
   Tonga's bi-monthly newsmagazine Matangi, in its edition published
this week, revealed what it calls an "astonishing affair" in a story
titled "When the living fear the dead."
   The drama began earlier this year on Vava'u, a spectacular chain of islands
and home to 16,000 people, in northern Tonga.
   The magazine said a "headache disease" had been afflicting students at
Vava'u High School since August and that by last month one student was dead, a
boy and a girl were in hospital, and 10 others had been affected.
   Principal Siosiua Helu told the magazine that when a student died in
September, word was spread that it was witchcraft. A belief in ghosts is
widespread in Polynesia.
   "The problem was that out of the blue, they thought that the headache was
cast on the students, in particular by some dead men who have been sighted
around the place," Helu said.
   "Once the idea of the dead casting a spell on the students was accepted by
the students, then things were getting out of hand, because it has got to the
point where graves have been interfered with.
   "Some of my students have even cut their hair because they believe
they were told by these dead men to do so."
   The doctor in charge of Ngu Hospital in Vava'u, Samiuela Fonua, said a girl
who was admitted had a virus which was treated, and she recovered. She
complained later of another headache and was treated.
   "But when they rushed her to hospital again she was already dead and she
smelled of uhi -- a shrub with a strong scent," the doctor said. "The uhi has
no medical application but it is used in Tongan medicine with the belief that
it will stink out the devil."
   Fonua said he had wanted to carry out an autopsy, but the girl's family
would not let him. He added that parents should be firm, and order their
children "to snap out of the nonsense."
   But it seems that is not happening.On November 8 a 20-year-old woman,
Kalolaine Bloomfield, was stabbed to death outside her home and shortly after
an 18-year-old boy, Filipe Fifita, was found hanging from a mango tree. Police
believe it was a murder-suicide.
   Murder is very rare in Polynesia but Matangi Tonga said many locals believe
the pair were too much in love for Filipe to kill Kalolaine, and that Filipe
killed himself in grief when he heard the woman had been murdered.
   Now, even the dead are not getting any rest in Vava'u.
   The magazine said the grave of Haniteli Kite -- a soldier killed accidently
in 1988 when he was speared in the head as a group tried to kill a large wild
pig -- has been broken into several times.
   In the most recent attack fine Tongan mats were taken, the bones thrown
around the street and the skull taken away. It has not yet been found.
   Kite's father, Soni Kite, said he was in despair "because even though my son
has died, I feel as though he is still alive."
   He said that last month one of his sons telephoned from another island to
say he had dreamt of the grave robbery and named two people involved. He also
said the grave robbing was related to the affliction hitting high school
students.
   Matangi Tonga said the concept of breaking into a grave came from
an old belief that if the dead person was uncomfortable -- perhaps
because of water in the grave or tree roots entering the corpse -- a
member of the family becomes ill.
   But Soni Kite said people with the headache complaint were taking
it out on his dead son.
   "I think there will be physical clash if we meet," he said. "There
are other dead young men who are suspected of causing the headache
disease, but fortunately for them their graves are in populated
areas, whereas Hanitele's is on the outskirts.
   "Haniteli is my third son, and he was a good boy, his nature was that he
cared so much about his relatives, and he was very generous.
   "I think the thought of my son dying a violent death, and the fact that he
was a soldier captured the attention of these people. I hope an end to this
un-Christian behaviour can be found soon and that the skull of my son is
returned to his grave."

------------------------------

Date: 7 Dec 91 00:30:05 GMT
From: slewis@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Sarah L Lewis)
Subject: ARE YOU AN INTERNET NERD?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

This quiz is dedicated to all of those people who find themselves 
constantly roaming the net.  Do you leave yourself logged in 
twenty-four hours a day, even when you're not home?  Is your
wpm typing speed higher than your IQ?  Are you having trouble seeing
things at distances greater than 2 feet?  Yes, YOU.  You know who
you are.

Ok... shall we begin?  Yes?   5 points... (you could've backed out.)

Unless otherwise stated, point values are as follows: 2 for (a), 4 for
(b), 6 for (c), and 10 for (d).

=============

1)	How many valid net addresses do you have? 
	Multiple machines at the same site do not count.

____Internet      ____UUCP       ____Other public access   ____Other

____Bitnet        ____Freenet    ____Internet BBS          ____All seven

							(2 points each)

2) 	How many hours did it take for you to create your .sig?

	a)  Huh?
	b)  More than one
	c)  More than five
	d)  I'm still looking for a really funky quote

3)	On an average working day, how many email messages do you receive?

	a)  Nobody sends me any mail... snif
	b)  Three, but they're all from Lester in the next cubicle
  	    over, because he has nothing better to do
	c)  I can't count that high, I failed calculus
	d)  Don't ask me now, I'm too busy.  Send me e-mail.

4)	Alright, fess up.  Have you ever read alt.sex.bondage just to
	see what the heck those perverts were talking about?

	a)  Yes, and I'm so ashamed
	b)  Yes, and I'm so embarrassed
	c)  Yes, and would you please explain a few things to me...
	d)  No, never.    (10 points.  You're lying.)

5)	Have you ever met one of your past SO's (significant others)
	via a computer network?

	a)  No
	b)  Yes, through a newsgroup we both posted on
	c)  Yes, by chatting randomly over the Internet (shame!)
	d)  Yes, by chatting over RELAY

6)	Once you've logged onto your system, what do you spend most
	of your time doing?

	a)  Going through the library system and putting books on reserve
	b)  Reading _Alice in Wonderland_ in the online bookshelf
	c)  Reading the monthly postings on rec.humor.funny
	d)  Writing up stupid quizzes because you've done everything else

7)	If someone were to telephone your home at any given moment of the
	day, what would be the percent chance that your phone would
	be busy?

	a)  Zero... I've got call waiting
	b)  25%.... I only dial in from work  (Uh, hi, boss)
	c)  75%.... Duh, so that's why nobody ever calls me
	d)  Zero... My modem has a separate phone line

8)	Which usenet newsgroups do you spend the most time reading?

	a)  The comp. groups... because they're so informative
	b)  The soc. groups.... because they're so multicultural
	c)  The rec. groups.... because they're so diverting
	d)  The alt. groups.... because I don't know what half those
	                        words mean

9)	What's your worst complaint about having an Internet account?

	a)  I have to pay $5/month for it
	b)  The damn sysadmins won't give me enough quota to hold
	    all my .gif's
	c)  All those programmers keep tying up the modem lines
	d)  I have to stay in school to keep it 

10)	Check your watch now.  What time is it?

	a)  10 am... coffee break
	b)  3 pm.... General Hospital's on
	c)  12 am... one last login before I hit the sack
	d)  4 am.... Oh my God, I've got a test tomorrow

ALRIGHT, GUYS.  SCORING TIME.

0-25 points:    You're not a nerd.  Go read a manual or two and come back
	        next year.
25-50 points:   You're an up-and-coming Internet nerd.  Why don't you
	        telnet over to 128.6.4.8 and play around with the Quartz
	        BBS for a while.
50-75 points:   You're a full-fledged Internet nerd.  Join the club.
75-100 points:  You're an Internet addict.  Try going to the library 
		this week, it'll do you some good.
100+ points:    You're an Internet obsessive-compulsive.  Unplug your
		computer, go out in the woods for a few days, and relax.
		Lay back and listen to the birds singing.  Clear your mind.
		And don't forget to unsubscribe yourself from all those
		lists before you leave.

---- written by slewis@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Sarah Lewis) in a moment
     of extreme boredom.  Disclaimer:  OSU doesn't know I wrote this, and
     it's probably better that way.  Sigh.  Time to hit the books....

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 06 Dec 91 16:33:31 PST
From: Don Bennett  <dpb@frame.com>
Subject: Bright AT&T Billing sys? 
To: humor@viking.frame.com, yucks

>From the RISKS digest...

Date: 01 Dec 91 14:49:06 EST
From: Thomson Kuhn <70007.5444@compuserve.com>
Subject: Bright AT&T billing sys?

Recently I opened my phone bill and found it to be five times its normal size
(in both dollars and pages!).  Looking over the 50+ pages of charges and
remembering a recent _60_Minutes_ program, it became clear to me that someone
had gotten hold of my AT&T calling card number and passed it to friends and
relatives all over the American Hemisphere.  The best part of the experience
was a note from the AT&T billing system which followed nine pages of charges to
(and from) places I have never been or called:

"*After analyzing your AT&T long distance calls on this bill, we find you could
have saved money with the AT&T Reach Out America Plan with the AT&T calling
card discount for your direct-dialed out-of-state calls..."

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 6 Dec 91 18:51:16 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: British violinist Nigel Kennedy gets a Bambi
To: yucks-request

   MUNICH, Germany, Dec 6 (AFP) - British "punk" violinist Nigel Kennedy has
been awarded a Bambi, Germany's top entertain award, it was announced here
Friday.
   The jury said Kennedy's "genius... has brought classical music into the
funfair of life."
   Aged 34, with eccentric clothes, spikey hair and earrings and a passion for
soccer, Kennedy is best known musically for his interpretation of Vivaldi's
Four Seasons, which has topped the British album charts.
   The Bambi, awarded by the Munich publishing house Burda, will be presented
on December 12 in Wiesbaden.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 9 Dec 91 15:39:48 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: DB: SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER TO STAY OPPRESSED
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU

SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER TO STAY OPPRESSED
	-- by Dave Barry

    I want to warn you right away that today's topic involves an ex-
tremely mature subject matter that might offend your community stan-
dards, if your community has any.

    I became sensitive about community standards recently when, at the
suggestion of no less than a US Supreme Court justice, I wrote a column
about a ground-breaking antiflatulence product called Beano.  Some
newspapers - and I do not wish to name names, but two of them were the
Portland Oregonian and the St. Louis Post-Dispatch - refused to print
this column on the grounds that it was tasteless and offensive.  Which
of course, it was, although it was nothing like the disgusting trash
you hear from the Senate Judiciary Committee.

    Anyway, those readers who have community standards should leave the
room at this time, because todays topic is:  circumcision.  This is a
common medical procedure that involves - and here, in the interest of
tastefulness, I am going to use code names - taking hold of a guys Ore-
gonian and snipping his Post-Dispatch right off.  This is usually done
to tiny guy babies who don't have a clue as to what is about to happen.
One minute a baby is lying happily in his little bed, looking at the
world and thinking what babies think (basicaly, "Huh?"), and suddenly
along comes a large person and *snip waaaaahhh* the baby is dramatically
introduced to the concept that powerful strangers can fill his life
with pain for no apparent reason.  This is excellent training for
dealing with the Internal Revenue Service, but it's no fun at the time.

    Most of us guys deal with this unpleasant experience by eventually
erasing it from our conscious minds, the way we do with algebra.  But
some guys never get over it.  I base this statement on a San Jose
Mercury News article, written by Michael Oricchio and mailed to me by
many alert readers, concerning a group of men in California who are
very upset about having been circumcised as babies.  They have formed a
support group called RECAP.  In the interest of good taste, I will not
tell you what the "P" in "RECAP" stands for, but the "RECA" part stands
for "Recover A."

    According to the article, the members (sorry!) of RECAP are devoted
to restoring themselves to precircumcision condition "through stretching 
existing skin or by surgery."  I swear I am not making this up. Here is 
a quotation from RECAP cofounder R. Wayne Griffiths:

    "There are a lot of men who are enraged that they were violated
without their consent and they want to do someting about it.  I've
always been fascinated by intact men.  I just thought it looked nicer. 
I had friends growing up who were intact.  I thought, 'Gee, that's what
I'd like to be.'"

    The article states that, to become intact again, Griffiths invented
a 7 1/2-ounce skin-stretching device that "looks like a tiny steel bar-
bell," which he taped to the end of his Oregonian and wore for "four to
12 hours a day, except weekends, for a year."  Using this method, he
grew himself an entirely new Post-Dispatch.  Other RECAP members are
involved in similar efforts.  They meet regularly to discuss technique
and review their progress.

    I'm not sure how I feel about all this.  I'm a middle-age white
guy, which means I'm constantly reminded that my particular group is
responsible for the oppression of every known minority plus most wars
plus government corruption plus pollution of the environment, not to
mention that it was middle-age white guys who killed Bambi's mom.  So,
I'm pleased to learn that I myself am an oppressed victim of something. 
But no matter how hard I try, I can't get enraged about it. I've asked
other guys about this.

    "Are you enraged about being circumcised?" I say.

    "What?" they say.

    So I explain about RECAP.

    "What?" they say.

    I have yet to find a guy who's enraged.  And nobody I talked to was
interested in miniature barbells, let alone surgery.  Most guys don't
even like to talk about medical procedures involving the Oregonian
region.  One time, my wife and I were at a restaurant with two other
couples, and one of the women, Susan, started describing her husband
Bob's vasectomy, which she had witnessed.

    "No!" we guys shouted, curling our bodies up like boiled shrimp. 
"Let's not talk about that!"

    But our wives were fascinated.  Susan went into great detail,
forcing us guys to stick wads of French bread in our ears and duck our
heads under the table.  Periodically, we'd come up to see if the coast
was clear, but Susan would be saying, " And then the doctor picked up
this thing that looked like a big crochet needle..."  And *bonk* we
guys would bang our heads together ducking back under the table.

    So, Post-Dispatchwise, I think I'm going to remain an oppressed
victim. But don't let me tell the rest of you guys what to think; it's
your decision.  This is a free country.  In most communities.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 4 Dec 91 09:06:35 EST
From: simsong@nextworld.com
Subject: Message
To: spaf, debby@ora.ora.com (Deborah Russell)

>> Date: Tue, 26 Nov 91 15:22 EST
>> From: debby@ora.ora.com (Deborah Russell)
>> To: simsong@mit.edu, simsong@nextworld.com
>> Subject: Message
>> 
>> Simson -- I'm not sure where you are just now and what address to use.
>> There's a message that Bonnie took today for you:
>> 
>> Call Philip XXXXXX, National Wester Bank, England
>> 071-000000000   [name and number changed to hide the stupid --spaf]
>> 

Oh, I love the British.  I gave this guy a phone call.  Took me 15 minutes,
until I figured out that you don't dial the "0" in "071."

So I finally get this guy on the phone and he says, "Can you tell me how
I can get in touch with Andrew Odlyzko?"

Well, I'm in shock.  But I want to be helpful, so I say, "Just a moment.  
I've got an address for him somewhere."

And while I'm rummaging through my files, I say to him, "why didn't you
call AT&T?"

And a few moments later he says, "say, that's a good idea."  And he hangs
up on me.

Life in the fast lane, I guess.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 7 Dec 91 11:16:59 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Net acronyms
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU

IMHO	An acronym always used by people who ain't and don't have any
	and never used by people who are and do have some.

FAQ	An acronym designed to make the uninitiated ask it's meaning.
	See monthly posting titled FAQ about FAQ: What does FAQ mean?

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 6 Dec 91 18:50:45 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: ON THE AIR COLUMN 
To: yucks-request

By TOM SHALES
   HILTON HEAD ISLAND, S.C.--Well, I'm back at the fat farm, folks.
   It's not so bad, really. We have three low-calorie meals, we have a
beautiful island to walk around on, and we have semi-nice cottages to
live in. Unfortunately, we also have one other thing.
   Television.
   Yes, television, that evil eye-of-the-devil that looks deep into
your soul from across the room and, several times a day, sometimes
several times an hour, beseeches you with the entreaty to eat, eat,
eat. Nosh, nosh, nosh. Snack, snack, snack.
   Stop it, stop it, stop it!
   The ad agencies that make those food commercials really are
insidious. They keep finding ways to make the cheese look cheesier,
the cakes look cakier, the cookies look cookier, the chocolate more
chocolatey, the crunchies munchier and the dreamy-creamy whipped
topping yet creamier and dreamier.
   And the underlying message in these ads is always the same
diabolical taunt: Go ahead, indulge yourself, pamper yourself, reward
yourself, you deserve it, you want it, it's yours for the taking, are
you going to let anyone tell you you can't have it--hey, what are you,
some kind of wimp?
   What's a fatty to do?
   America is becoming more health-conscious, it's true. But what
television still traffics in heavily is food-as-luxury, food-as-fun
and, of course, food-as-sex. The commercials tell you that every meal
should be a party, starting with breakfast. Many of the cereals they
push to kids and adults are really just cookies and candy bars with
milk poured over them.
   One of the newest cereals is made in the shape of yumptious,
scrumptious cinnamon mini-buns. It won't be long before they come out
with the one that John Belushi ate in an old "Saturday Night Live"
commercial parody: big bowls full of little chocolate doughnuts.
Americans seem to believe that you can take any terrible fattening
food, turn it into a cereal and then it somehow becomes good for you.
   Of course, the idea that fattening food will make you fat is
virtually never entertained. A series of ads for a famous candy bar
shows the product being enjoyed by agile, nimble and nubile sportsmen
and sportswomen. They eat a big candy bar and then it's off to the
slopes! Off to the pool! Off to the highest mountain in the universe!
   We never get to see them fall into sugar-shock and pass out on the
sofa. And no matter how many candy bars they put away, they never gain
an ounce. While we're on the subject of candy bars, two questions: Why
are they always "chock-full" of chocolate, peanuts and nougat? And,
what the heck is nougat, anyway?
   Bad as my cravings for junk food get, I am relieved to state that
not once in my life have I ever craved nougat. I've never gone on a
nougat bender. I'm on a nougat-free diet right now, as a matter of
fact.
   One series of commercials, at least, is fairly honest about what's
being pitched. These are the ads featuring Dave Thomas, owner of
Wendy's. Typically the commercials show Dave rejecting some dainty
French sissy food and opting instead for a big juicy burger. Big juicy
burgers make you fat. Dave is a big fat guy. He seems comfortable with
that, however, and it's nice to see that nutritional realities get
some tacit acknowledgment.
   It isn't only the food commercials that are a bad influence. Why
must the makers of a certain denture cleanser demonstrate the alleged
efficacy of their product by baking pearls in a delicious-looking
blueberry pie? They always show what happens to the pearls (they come
clean--as if by magic!) but the fate of the pie remains unknown.
   Studies have found that children who watch lots and lots of
television in their formative years have a greater tendency toward
obesity. Something about TV-watching lends itself to snacking. So am I
saying that I blame television for my weight problem? You're darn
right, I am.
   Some people may say there is an easy answer: Just turn the thing
off. But I can't. It's my job to watch TV. It's a goofy kind of a job,
but it's mine. Let this column be a warning, then, and not only
against pigging out in front of the tube: Mamas, don't let your babies
grow up to be critics.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 7 Dec 91 11:18:27 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: On Wisconsin!
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU

Appears on the copyright notice to xgremlin:

 *  Permission is hearby granted to distribute this program provided that:
 *    (*) no commerical advantage is gained
 *    (*) the recipient has a gremlin license
 *    (*) this copyright notice appears on all copies
 *    (*) "On Wisconsin" sung in its entirety while the software
 *        is being copied to the distribution media.
 *
 *        Here's the words, you'll have to find the tune if you're
 *        an uncultured slug.
 *
 *           On Wisconsin, On Wisconsin,
 *           Plunge right through that line!
 *           Run the ball clear down the field boys,
 *           Touchdown sure this time (u-rah-rah)
 *           On Wisconsin, On Wisconsin,
 *           Fight on for her fame!
 *           Fight fellows fight-fight-fight
 *           we'll win this game!
 *
 */

------------------------------

Date: 10 Dec 91 18:33:30 GMT
From: bobmon@sandshark.cs.indiana.edu (Bob Montante)
Subject: Reasons Why...
Newsgroups: alt.flame,in.bizarre

...a Slide Rule (and Paper Pad) is Better Than an X Workstation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

- A Slide Rule doesn't shut down abruptly when it gets too hot.

- One hundred people all using Slide Rules and Paper Pads do not
  start wailing and screaming due to a single-point failure.

- A Slide Rule doesn't smoke whenever the power supply hiccups.

- A Slide Rule doesn't care if you smoke, or hiccup.

- You can spill coffee on a Slide Rule; you can use a Slide Rule
  while _completely_submerged_ in coffee.

- You never get nasty system messages about filling up your entire
  paper quota with pointless GIF pictures for the root window.

- A Slide Rule and Paper Pad fit in a briefcase with space left over
  for lunch or a change of underwear.

- A properly used Slide Rule can perform pipelined *and* parallel
  operations.  (Okay, you need a guru for this.)

- You don't get junk mail offering pricey software upgrades that
  fix current floating point errors while introducing new ones.

- A Slide Rule doesn't need scheduled hardware maintenance.

- A Paper Pad supports text and graphics images easily, and can be
  easily upgraded from monochrome to color.

- Slide Rules are designed to a standardized, open architecture.

- You can hold a Slide Rule at arm's length, to hit the obnoxious
  person at the next seat over.

- A Slide Rule is immune to viruses, worms, and other depradations
  from hostile adolescents with telephones.

- Additional Paper Pads can be integrated into the system seamlessly
  and without needing to reconfigure everything.

- Nobody will make you feel bad by introducing a smaller, faster,
  cheaper slide rule next month.

------------------------------

Date: 09 Dec 91 17:58:49 EST
From: <D.RHEE@CSI.compuserve.com>
Subject: Stupid Phone Number Tricks
To: <ENIAC@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us>

Hi, spaf,

In Yucks V.1, Nr. 106, you ask prospective green monster owners to
call you at x4-7825.  Well, I couldn't help but noticing that your
extension is very similar to my own phone number!

When I moved a couple years ago, I decided I would try to get a number
that ended in -DAVE, or something similar.  I found out the prefixes
(preficies?) available for my new exchange, and tried out a handful of
numbers.  The technique to figuring out if a number is in use or not
is deceptively simple:  Call It!  If you don't get the tri-tone "This
number is not in service" recording, you can't have it.

(Incidentally, copying that recording for your OUTgoing answering
machine message is a good way to keep unwanted calls away.  Recorded
modem or fax whistle tend to work just as effectively.)

Anyway, once I found a few numbers I wanted, I asked the installation
operator if I could get one of them assigned to my new phone.  (Old
numbers must usually sit idle for six months before being eused; your
mileage and operator niceness may vary.)

Well, although she was willing to help out, all the numbers I wanted
were unavailable.  (Some of them were on new exchanges that weren't
installed yet.)

Operator:  (pulling up the next number in the queue)  "Well, the one
     that the computer comes up with is 484-7825."

Me:  (looking at keypad)  "7-8-2-5, 7-8-2-5.  S-U-C-K.  You're giving
     me 484-SUCK for a phone number?"

     (looking at 484 again)  "Hey, this spells HUG-SUCK -- you want
     to give me HUG-SUCK for a phone number?!"

Operator:  (in a sheepish voice) "Well, uh, sorry sir, but it's just
     the one that the computer came up with."

Me:  "That's great!  I'll take it!"

So people tend to remember my phone number fairly easily.  Depending
on whom I'm telling, it's HUG-7825, 484-SUCK, or HUG-SUCK.  Mom went
from HUG-SUCK to HUG-7825 after she forgot my phone number.  She said,
"I don't like the word SUCK."

I also tell people that if I'm not home, they might find me at my
friend Greg's.  His number's OBVIOUS.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 9 Dec 91 10:40:18 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: tax man
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU

>From _The Exploits of the Incomparable Mullah Nasrudin_ by
Indries Shah, The Octagon Press Ltd., London, 1983 as quoted in
_Qualitative Evaluation and Research Methods_ by Michael
Quinn Patton, Sage Publications, 1990.  Reprinted without
permission.

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station.  People
were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train
ran him over.  They were all shouting.  "Give me your hand!"
but the man would not reach up.  Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his
way through the crowd and leaned over the man.  "Friend," he
asked, "what is your profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.

"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"

The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled
to safety.  Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers.  "Never
ask a tax man to give you anything, you fools."

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 10 Dec 91 09:55:51 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: The Perfect Xmas Gift
To: yucks-request

   Nuclear reactor offered for auction: TASS

   MOSCOW, Dec 9 (AFP) - A nuclear reactor will be put up for auction
in Moscow at one of the newly created commercial exchanges that have
sprung up around the country, TASS news agency said.
   TASS gave no other information, saying officials at the Moscow
International Exchange, the one handling the reactor, refused other
details on the grounds that doing so would divulge "business secrets."
   Dozens of such commercial exchanges, a kind of commodities market,
have sprung up in Moscow and elsewhere in the Soviet Union, offering
a wide variety of products in what is turning into fierce competition
to attract the notice of the international financial world.
   A chief Western fear has been that the current disintegration of
the Soviet Union will lead to loss of control over nuclear weapons
stationed in secessionist republics.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 10 Dec 91 1:00:57 CST
From: meo@pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #108
To: Yucks-request

Len Rose is right.  The Earth was originally composed of grapefruit
halves.  Our early ancestors lived solely off of grapefruit - they
fashioned the rind into spears, knives, Hondas and atomic reactors,
and the seeds into false teeth.

After a while, God got tired of the Earth shrinking as the population
grew (nevermind the stench of rotting Hondas), so He ran it all through
the C preprocessor, and out popped the planet we all know and love.

To make the system balance properly, televangelists were required
(for reasons God has not seen fit to reveal), and the dinosaurs
were used as input.  All that mass into such a few small persons
drove the density way up, creating green holes, into which large
quantities of money disappear with large emissions of energy in the
VHF and UHF ranges.

So what does it mean that Adam and Eve were the first people?  It
means they were neither the first tamales nor the first condors.
Somewhere a bad bit showed up in the cache, and a bug showed up
in Eve, which was almost immediately assigned to Adam.  Nothing
has worked quite right ever since.

It may be shown by the behavior of certain species of lizards,
especially those inhabiting lounges, that the race is doomed.
While the flood of Noah was terrible, the flood of Bureaucracy
Paperwork may prove to be even more devastating in the long run.
Many have wondered why God doesn't just reboot the whole thing.

Finally, my theory of tectonic plate washing does not prove
much, but it certainly explains a lot.  In fact, I advise
Occam to invest heavily in Gilette - he will need it soon.

The US formerly had an entirely different East Coast.  New York
included an isthmus over 2,000 Km long, about 200 meters wide
at the widest, which wandered down to somewhere below Georgia,
which then extended farther south than it does today.  This
bordered a massive lake known as Caroline's lake.

A spaceship from the planet UMMO crashed at the north end of this
isthmus, which was actually a thin layer of soil atop a huge
mass of seaweed stretched like a taut rubber band.  The explosion
"popped" the isthmus, which instantly retracted.  The north end
was quite small - the southern end piled up below Georgia.  New York
City extended the entire length of the isthmus until this time.

This may be seen by the fact that the southern half of what is
now called Florida is primarily New Yorkers - especially Miami.
The northern half is essentially just more of south Georgia.
Florida as a state was created to satisfy the needs of social
evolutionists to make certain equations balance in the then
popular theory that a War Between the States was about to break
out.  Whether that war was the result of this act or vice versa
is still being debated in scientific journals such as Sun Expert,
Reader's Digest, and MAD.

Caroline's Lake had always been thirty or forty feet below sea
level, a fact geologists have been quick to avoid explaining.
The resultant tidal wave after the isthmus disappeared carried
billions of gallons of salt water up the shores of Caroline's
Beach, turning parts of it into the massive devastation still
seen in the federally protected destruction preserve known as
South Carolina.  Other shore areas were reviatlized with massive
transfusions of grapefruit rind God pulled from an archive file
left from the preprocessing.

NEXT TIME...

How pizzas without anchovies evolved

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------