[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V6 #7 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Mon, 17 Jun 96 Volume 6 : Issue 7
Today's Topics:
*click*
Analogy of the Day
And it reaches new lows...
As we start another semester...
Breakfast: The Most Important Meal of the Day!
Headline Of The Day
If you get the joke, you're a geek.
In the cafeteria, stupid.
I think it was the after-school human sacrifice that worried him.
mph -> kph
Never say never.
Oh dear.
Okay, this airmile thing has officially gone too far.
O Lucky (wo)Man!
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
Renaming the Win95 Recycle Bin, in one easy lesson.
San Antonio Phone Book Funny
Speaking of cults...
Such is the power of the sartori
Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...
The (other) City by the Bay.
The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition (fwd)
The Heavenly Shining Beacon of Hope is not a beeper.
Things you don't want to hear on an airline P.A. system
Trick-or-Treat
UNSUSCRIBE FROM EUDORA FORUM
Web-page line of the day
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
Well, as far as I can tell, it's "godmother".
What's the Difference?
Within minutes a "brain fight" had broken out.
Woof, woof!
Yeah, well, you probably don't need campaign flyers, either.
Your attention, passengers! [Urban Legend of the Week]
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html> and subscriptions can
be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 14:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: *click*
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Carl Staelin <staelin@cello.hpl.hp.com>
Forwarded-by: sread@avistar.com (J. Stuart Read)
This lady always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive
around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the dealer, and
plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer
enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile. She's driving off. Decides she wants
some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control
panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these
and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the damned thing.
Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman.
Tells him they forgot to install the radio.
He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the
onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He
demonstrates: "Classical", he says *click* the car fills with the
sounds of Paganini.
"Blues", he says, and *click* a B.B. King classic plays.
She drives off amazed. "Country", she says, and *click* a Tex Ritter
tune comes on. "Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they
drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.
She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention
to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off.
"ASSHOLE!!!" she screams.
*click*
"Good morning, everyone. You're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Oct 1995 17:32:11 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Analogy of the Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Saying Windows 95 is equal to Macintosh is like finding a potato that
that looks like Jesus and believing you've witnessed the second coming.
-- Guy Kawasaki, Apple Fellow.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Oct 1995 16:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: And it reaches new lows...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
So I just get a "spam" complaint from an AOL postmaster threatening:
>From: Postmaster@aol.com
>To: netadmin@world.std.com, postmaster@world.std.com
>Subject: Fwd: cc:Mail UUCPLINK 2.0 Undeliverable Message
>Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 16:49:01 -0400
> Repeated offenses of this nature will result in AOL taking action to
> prevent further problems.
etc.
I look down at the message in question (they enclosed it) and it's just
a few mail bounces through a mailing list out of World to some customer
(look at the subject line above, some kind of cc:Mail lossage and
unfortunately cc:Mail bounces back to the From: address and ignores stuff
like Errors-To: and Replies-To:, constant nuisance), a list which their
customer is explicitly subscribed to and apparently has been subscribed
to for a while.
I guess the customer didn't like the bounce message, and I guess the AOL
postmaster has decided that bounce messages are "unsolicited mail". The
message from the postmaster also made the point that their customers have
to pay for all their email so this is a problem (well, THEN *YOU* EDIT
THEIR MAIL -- YOU'RE GETTING THE GODDAMNED MONEY NOT ME!)
This is why we also have to be careful with this anti-spam crap, there
are people out there, some of whom work as postmasters for the largest
online services on the planet, who, are, well...you get my point, can't
quite fog a mirror I guess is the expression.
I took the guy off the list and told the postmaster to tell him and tell
him that it's ok if he re-subscribes as far as I'm concerned but perhaps
that will remind him that HE SUBSCRIBED.
Morons. I may just mass unsub all AOL addresses from all lists here. I
mean, this is their postmaster threatening, not some random.
[I have a friend who went to work for AOL and she was wondering why
people picked on AOL all the time. Sigh. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Oct 1995 19:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: As we start another semester...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: William_Krueger@dallas.csd.sterling.com
To all those Freshman note takers out there... here's an example of
good note taking.
***********************
* HOW TO TAKE NOTES *
***********************
WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS: YOU WRITE:
Probably the greatest quality of the John Milton -- born 1608.
poetry of John Milton, who was born in
1608, is the combination of beauty and
power. Few have excelled him in the
use of the English language, or for
that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
'Paradise Lost' being said to be the
greatest single poem ever written.
When Lafayette first came to this Lafayette discovered America.
country, he discovered America. The
Americans needed his help if their
cause was to survive, and this he
promptly supplied them."
Current historians have come to doubt Most of the problems that now face
the complete advantageousness of some the United States are directly
of Roosevelt's policies traceable to the bungling and greed
of President Roosevelt.
... it is possible that we do not Professor Mitchell is a communist.
understand the Russian viewpoint.
The puissance of hydrochloric acid is Hydrochloric acid eats the hell out
incontestable; however, the corrosive of steel.
residue is inharmonious with metallic
persistance."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 95 08:05:41 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Breakfast: The Most Important Meal of the Day!
To: spaf
[Spaf, remove what you need to. -- Joe]
[I don't think I need to remove anything, except my appetite. --spaf]
From: Dan Sorenson
Newsgroups: alt.cereal,alt.peeves
Subject: Re: May contain traces of Almonds!!!
>In response to the last message: Sure it's good that General Mills gives
>warning about almonds but it would be even BETTER if they did something
>to RECTIFY the situation, like getting new, clean machinery! If almonds
>can slip into their machinery by accident, who's to say the same can't be
>said for dirt, hair, etc.?
>
Kid, you don't *want* to know what slips into their machinery.
See, I grew up on a farm in Iowa, selling General Mills that grain for
your daily breakfast. Want to know what went into their machines?
First, there's the pheasants harvested along with the corn, as
well as the occassional raccoon, deer, and a few field mice. Then there
me, unloading a wagon of grain when suddenly Nature Calls. I can't be
certain that a little splatter didn't make its way into the auger along
with the corn, oats, soybeans, or wheat that day. 'Course, it doesn't
matter much because when the drying fan is turned on there's always at
least one rat schredded and blown into the bin, the hazards of living
in an access tunnel to your favorite food. Don't mind the rat shit in
your breakfast -- it doesn't even make up 1% of the total I sold to
General Mills last year.
Ah, yes, then there's the oil and grease present from being
harvested by machine and transported by machine, the herbicide and
insecticide residue from last season's spraying, that healthy shit I
had one afternoon when I was eight miles from the nearest outhouse,
the occassional lead bullet or shot pellet left over from last fall's
hunting season, and that's not to mention the occassional wad of spit
or cigar butt tossed in by the chewers and smokers among we farming
types as we auger the grain from wagon to bin.
And you're hoping General Mills cleans the almonds from their
packaging equipment? Kid, I don't even clean the dead rats from the
unloading auger before I fire it up -- the miniscule almond bit is
*nothing* compared to what other items are in your food supply.
And I ought to know -- I helped put them there. Every time I
see some granola-munching, Birkenstock-wearing tofu freak spouting off
about his pet cause du jour like irradiated apples or meat is murder,
I have to consciously stifle a chuckle knowing what I did in the soybean
bin last harvest.
The words, "Eat shit and die" take on a whole new meaning.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 1995 08:05:05 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Headline Of The Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jason Thorpe <thorpej@nas.nasa.gov>
Forwarded-by: Stephen Haase <shaase@microsoft.com>
"Fertile woman dies in Climax"
In North Western Minnesota there are two towns called Fertile
and Climax that are about 10 miles apart. The headline was on
a story about a woman from Fertile, MN who died in a car
accident in Climax, MN.
[Whew! And I thought someone else had found the secret of Tonga
Plugs. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Oct 1995 20:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: If you get the joke, you're a geek.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Larry Hunter <hunter@nlm.nih.gov>
Forwarded by: kkoile@ai.mit.edu
Forwarded by: jga@harlequin.com
From: Freeland Abbott <freeland>
A one-question geek test. If you get the joke, you're a geek:
Seen on a VW Beetle's California license plate: "FEATURE".
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 1995 16:35:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: In the cafeteria, stupid.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
From: Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
If basketball was never invented, where would they hold all the
high school dances?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Oct 1995 07:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I think it was the after-school human sacrifice that worried him.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: Chris LaFournaise <cjl@sequent.com>
News:
Portland, Oregon U.S.***
A student has brought a legal challenge in U.S. District Court here for
being required in a public school to associate with or use their computer
Email address containing a religious name from the Asatru religion. The
school, Portland State University, has named two mainframe computer
machines after "Odin" and "Loki", which are figures of worship in the
Asatru religion. The Oregon State Board of Higher Education (OSBHE) denied
his in-school complaint, saying the names are generally regarded as mere
"myth" and not religion. A letter by OSBHE's chancellor, Joseph W. Cox,
also denies the student's religious basis for his objection, stating by
letter that his personal "Hebrew-Christian" beliefs do not "rise to this
level" "of an official religion". No harm, no "worship", is involved from
mere reading or typing in the names, he says.
The student, however, claims that "the university overextended its
"Viking" mascot theme into the religious sphere". The names are associated
with a current pagan religion that has many adherents -- Asatru or
Odinism. It has been in existence since 1971 in both Iceland and the U.S.
The university is supporting an establishment of this religion, he claims.
It denied his own Hebrew-Christian religion and by any required
association with this other pagan religion, it has also "substantially
burdened" his own exercise of religion -- in the language of the Religious
Freedom Restoration Act of 1993.
The student is also mindful of having to use certain Unix or Pine system
commands which are repugnant to his moral or religious beliefs. Because
his Hebrew-Christian beliefs are to affirm all Life, he objects to having
to use the "k-i-l-l" and "u-n-k-i-l-l" language of computer commands. In
repeated use, it is a subtle form of reinforcing or conditioning
immorality. Reinforcing a "culture of death" -- as Pope John Paul also
put it in his recent visit to the U.S.
The case, Hieb v. OSBHE, presents an interesting turnabout: the Asatru
religion may be seen as arising as part of a youth protest movement
against the dominant, state-established Lutheran church in northern
Europe. In Oregon at PSU, the Asatru religion is claimed to be the state
supported religion. The student's Hebrew-Christian religion is a "back to
the Roots" variation of the dominant Christian religion. Which he says
has been very "Greco-Romanized", even "imperialized", from the original.
So far, he filed the action "pro se" and has no attorney.
[Can you wait for him to find out about daemon servers and zombie
processes? Maybe he'd be better avoid computers altogether. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 1995 15:35:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: mph -> kph
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: Charlie_Gibbs@mindlink.bc.ca (Charlie Gibbs)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
Subject: Re: Why Metric? (was: 8.89cm Disks?)
Date: Wed, 04 Oct 95 13:25:34 -0700
I grew up with ounces and quarts and stuff, but I'm now
bilingual. I'll use whatever unit is more convenient at the
time, which is no doubt infuriating to purists of either stripe.
To ensure that my eccentricity was well-established, when I
still had my old truck with the speedometer marked in miles per
hour, I would delight in pointing out that I could convert it
to km/h simply by reading the numbers in hexadecimal. (Try it,
it works!)
What bothers me are the people who never made it all the way to
metric, but got stuck halfway. I have a photo of a road sign
announcing a turnoff 152 meters ahead, and there are still a
lot of trucks marked "GVW 4536 kg". Sometimes I think I'm the
only one who heard that chemistry lecture about significant
digits - otherwise why would anyone be obsessed with doing a
conversion that's accurate to the last kilogram, when the
original was 10,000 pounds plus or minus 100 or more? Things
are getting better, but slowly - we still buy a lot of things
in 450- (or 454-) gram quantities.
(And I didn't even mention that GVW stands for Gross Vehicle
Weight, while the kilogram is a unit of mass. A local
municipality was marking their trucks "GVM" for a while, but
that was too intelligent to last. :-( No wonder nobody can
pass physics any more.)
Charlie_Gibbs@mindlink.bc.ca
Give him 2.54 cm, and he'll take 1.609 km.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 07:35:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Never say never.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "G.O.G." <GGRAYLEE@alexandria.lib.utah.edu>
Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate
Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for
non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not
definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any
specific form of physical or psysiological deterioration, have been
determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human
condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator.
While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically
illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of
said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of
common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs. Widespread
or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an
increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on
by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of
American society.
THE SURGEON GENERAL WARNS:
1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher
meal.
2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.
3. Never moon a werewolf.
4. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your
accomplice!"
5. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.
6. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
7. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.
8. Never trust a dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
9. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
10. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your
parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
11. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
12. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper
in your hand.
13. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is
too hot."
14. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to
cheat again next year.
15. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian
homeland.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 09:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Oh dear.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: Dan Leifker <denmark@ix.netcom.com>
Newsgroups: comp.unix.misc
We are porting a large batch mainframe application to HP-UX.
As part of the conversion we need to convert a few thousand JCL,
PROCs, and JCLCopy members.
Anyone know of a utility that will convert JCL, etc, to Shell (or
Perl)?
[Well, I'd use a Waring Blender, actually. The conversion will
be a success, unless you wanted the same functionality. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Oct 1995 12:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Okay, this airmile thing has officially gone too far.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jamie "Support Maven" Thompson <jamie@corp.tivoli.com>
>From American Airlines WWW:
AAdvantage Miles with Mortgage Payments
American Airlines AAdvantage miles can now be obtained in conjunction
with home mortgages. Financial institutions participating in the new
AAdvantage program for mortgages will reward borrowers with one
AAdvantage mile for every dollar of mortgage interest paid. American
has begun selecting participating mortgage lenders. The program will
begin later this year or early next year.
[This is stretching it a bit. But I'll really draw the line a funeral
parlors. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 1995 11:05:05 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: O Lucky (wo)Man!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
This item comes by way of Percy Tierney:
London, England:
A newspaper obituary:
Anita Harding died of cancer at the age of 42 just before she was to take
up the Chair in Clinical Neurology at the Institute of Neurology in Queen
Square, London. She was the most outstanding British neurological
clinician of her generation and a world authority on inherited
neurological diseases. She was also enormous fun.
In her final weeks, when she knew she was going to die, her main concerns
were for those she would leave behind, particularly her colleagues and
students, whose affairs and projects she set straight from her hospital
bed.
Never able to resist impish quips, accompanied by a grin and a
characteristic darting of the tongue, she was even able to muse on the
potential compensations as well as the tragedy of her early death: "At
least I won't have to buy Windows '95!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Oct 1995 05:50:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth.
And you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock
Submitted by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
Jul. 5, 1995
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 21 Oct 1995 05:50:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"We had a couple of demos [of Windows 95] and took the disks out back
to burn 'em. Had a nice fire, too."
---Paul Rakowicz, senior vice president of corporate systems,
Document Processing Systems, Inc.; on his decision to not
upgrade to Microsoft's new computer operating system,
Windows 95 and his rather harsh way of emphasizing this.
(PC Week pg 88. 7/17/95)
Submitted by: "Randy Clarke" <rcc@zycor.lgc.com>
Jul. 18, 1995
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 1995 14:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Renaming the Win95 Recycle Bin, in one easy lesson.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
*So* much better than editing some cryptic config file or using some
cryptic command-line argument:
From: vals@iol.ie (V. Sliouniaev)
Newsgroups: aus.computers.ibm-pc,comp.os.ms-windows.win95.misc
Subject: Re: The *real* problem with Windows 95
Date: Mon, 16 Oct 1995 20:04:51 GMT
...
Fire up regedit. Change default value (string) for
\HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Classes\CLSID\
{645FF040-5081-101B-9F08-00AA002F954E}
to whatever name you like. Click on the desktop, and press F5 to
refresh it.
(Easy way to find this entry in the registry is to search for a
keyword "Empty" - this will lead to its sub-key "Default Icon")
[I admit it -- I like Windows. However, the feeling is akin to the
one professional comedians have for Dan Quayle running for office. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 1995 10:00:55 -0600
From: Rex Black <RHB@smtpgate.ball-weed.com>
Subject: San Antonio Phone Book Funny
To: spaf
Ad found in the San Antonio Yellow Pages:
Sanitary Tortilla Mfg Co
Established in 1925
...
Two questions come to mind: Is the sanitary tortilla the
Southwestern precursor to the sanitary napkin? If these guys's
marketing niche is _sanitary_ tortillas, what does that say about all
the tacos, burrittos, and chips I have consumed in life?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 1995 18:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Speaking of cults...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
This group... often meets in church basements, and I have seen with my
own eyes Jews, Baptists and Catholics all sitting next to one another.
The group has oaths, promises, grips and signs, and sometimes meet at
night around blazing fires to practice bizarre rituals. This group...
is the Boy Scouts of America.
-- Michael J. Maslanik
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 1995 13:18:16 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Such is the power of the sartori
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
One of Many Forwards asked...
|Amazing. Are there any reports of people ordering sushi, futomaki
|perhaps, and discovering that it resembles the face of Jesus?
No, but I once picked up an order at Fotomat, and instead
of Embarassing Late Night Overtime Project pix, found a
bunch of likenesses of road construction personnel: Jimi,
Elvis, Janis, Elvis, BOC, Spaf... I placed 5 names and
addresses at the bottom of each photo, and mailed them out.
Soon I received cheap gold coins, copies of unreleased CERT
notes, coupons for discounted Roadkill Pizza in Jerusalem,
and copies of Yucks in the mail. Such is the power of the
chain. Scott Dorsey of Nasa's TBL laughed too hard while
perusing his copies and inhaled them. 5 days later his
lab's personnel were cut by 5% (by height, not weight or
volume). Bill Clinton threw his in the trash, and Al Gore's
ratings exceeded his only 6 days later. A Secret Service
agent, dusting trash for prints, found the chain photos and
mailed them. Two days later Hillary held Bill's hand in
public. Such is the power of the chain. O. J. Simpson of
Los Angeles, California, refused to open his mail for a week,
and was forced to drive backwards down the freeway with a
glass of water on his head by secret lover Marcia Clark. An
LAPD detective secretly mailed the photos for O. J., thinking
they were part of a blackmail scam he wanted to catch O. J.
in. The same day the jury changed their verdict from "burn
him to a crisp" to "we all want to marry O.J. and have his
baby and wear his glove." Such is the power of the chain.
If you wish to get in on this incredible deal, simply drop
me a card in the next post at the address below:
Craig Shergold
Cancer Ward Anti-remissions Ward
St. James Mary Hildsbreath-Martin-on-Thames Hospital
London, England
"Many are spalled, but few are frozen" - Ol' Bearing
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 1995 12:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: mAtThEw aLDoUs <aldous@mame.mu.OZ.AU>
What a day. SGI has been par-tic-u-lar-ly weird.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[RING]
SGI> "Hello Silicon Graphics"
ME > "Hi, I've got a support call to log please."
SGI> "Sure, can you give me a brief description?"
ME > "Excessive NFS3 traffic pounding CPU on NFS server"
SGI> "Um, ok. What was that word, "seepeeyou" ?
ME > "Huh?"
SGI> "I just want to make sure I get the spelling right."
ME > "Oh, CPU is spelt C - P - U"
*thud*
[RING]
SGI> "Hello Silicon Graphics"
ME > "Hi, I've got a support call to log please."
SGI> "One moment please."
I'm now put on hold. The hold music comes on:
SGI> "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies..."
SGI comes back, chats for a bit, and puts me on hold music again...
SGI> "I know when some-bodys lying..."
Hmmm - what *are* they doing ? :)
[Judging from recent security advisories, they're busily setting the
SETUID bit on 75% of their programs, selected at random, in the next
release. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 1995 17:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The (other) City by the Bay.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Oakland, California has a reputation for being a dangerous
place. The city and merchants have lately been trying hard
to overcome that reputation.
Yesterday, driving home from the Oakland airport, I passed
an empty restaurant that had been decorated with a very large
sign:
FOR LEASE
ZONED FOR ANY (LEGAL) COMMERCIAL USE
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 1995 10:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition (fwd)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: carolyn meinel <cmeinel@unm.edu>
This list does not contain the rules of acquisition that are given in
books and comics, just the ones on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine."
* 001: Once you have their money, you never give it back.
* 003: Never spend more on an acquisition than you have to.
* 006: Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
* 007: Keep your ears open.
* 009: Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
* 010: Greed is eternal.
* 016: A deal is a deal.
* 018: A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
* 021: Never place friendship above profit.
* 022: A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
* 031: Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother.
* 033: It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
* 034: War is good for business.
* 035: Peace is good for business.
* 047: Never trust anyone whose suit is nicer than your own.
* 048: The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
* 057: Good customers are as rare as latinum. Treasure them.
* 059: Free advice is seldom cheap.
* 062: The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
* 075: Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of latinum.
* 076: Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out
of your enemies.
* 102: Nature decays, but latinum lasts forever.
* 103: Sleep can interfere.
* 109: Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.
* 111: Treat people in your debt like family. Exploit them.
* 112: Never have sex with the boss's sister.
* 139: Wives serve. Brothers inherit.
* 194: It's always good business to know about new customers before
they walk in your door.
* 214: Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
* 217: You can't free a fish from water.
* 285: No good deed ever goes unpunished.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 1995 15:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Heavenly Shining Beacon of Hope is not a beeper.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris G Demetriou <Chris_G_Demetriou@BALVENIE.PDL.CS.CMU.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Nick Thompson <nix@cs.cmu.edu>
NAME
sys_alert - Turns on the flashing light
SYNOPSIS
sys_alert seconds [-h hostname] [-d device] [-quiet]
DESCRIPTION
sys_alert activates the Heavenly Shining Beacon of Hope, which
happens to be located over in R&D next to the printer. sys_alert
requires a single argument, which is the number of seconds of Hope
you require. This can be a fractional value.
It is recommended that the Heavenly Shining Beacon of Hope
only be used to combat or create stress.
OPTIONS
Options to the program are:
-h hostname
Specifies which computer the Beacon is plugged into.
The default computer is defined by pdi_alerthost in the
PDI host table. Currently this is an alias for prickle.
-d device
The device that the Beacon is connected to. By default
this is /dev/ttyf2, the second serial port.
-quiet
Don't display status messages.
NOTES
The Heavenly Shining Beacon of Hope was purchased at the Stanford
Linear Accelerator garage sale in October 95. The hardware required
to connect the Beacon to a computer's serial port was put together
by Lawrence Kesteloot. The 120 volt line that drives the lamp is
optically coupled with the computer. The computer's serial port
drives an LED that shines into a photoresistor which in turn controls
the lamp. This reduces the risk of shorting out the computer and
it's also rather studly.
The Heavenly Shining Beacon of Hope is not a beeper.
BUGS
Only rotates clockwise.
SEE ALSO
sys_moo(1P)
AUTHORS
Drew Olbrich 10/95
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 1995 17:57:18 +0100
From: dbayly@max.tiac.net (David A. Bayly)
Subject: Things you don't want to hear on an airline P.A. system
To: silent-tristero
Bets I remember in this vein was from one of the British TV shows (I think
it was David Frost) from years ago, that went like this:
This is your captain speaking. May I have your attention please. Those of
you on the right side of the plane may see a small yellow dot on the ocean.
<long pause> I am speaking to you from that dot.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 1995 12:59:43 -0700
From: mmcgee (Mark McGee)
Subject: Trick-or-Treat
To: jokes
The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex:
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
AND....
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!!!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Oct 1995 10:22:26 -0700
From: Roger Carasso <roger@carasso.com>
Subject: UNSUSCRIBE FROM EUDORA FORUM
To: WINDOWS-EUDORA-FORUM, root
MY DEAR INCOMPETENT AND INCAPABLE ADMINISTRATORS OF THE EUDORA FORUM,
I HAVE ASKED TO BE OF THE MAILING LIST FOR OVER A MONTH. I'M THINKING ABOUT
CALLING A LAWYER IF YOU DON'T TAKE ME OFF. I DON'T WANT TO READ THIS CRAP
ANY MORE. TAKE ME OFF THIS STUPID LIST. I KNOW HOW TO MOVE FOLDERS, I KNOW
HOW TO READ DIRECTIONS, I KNOW HOW TO PRINT. IF I HAVE A QUESTION OR A WISH
I'LL SEND *YOU* MAIL. I DON'T WANT YOU SENDING *ME* MAIL.
SO PLEASE, UNSUBSCRIBE ME FROM THIS FORUM I HAVE NOT CHOSEN IN ORDER TO LET
ME FREE FROM DOZENS OF UNUSEFUL MESSAGES WHICH ARE DROWNING MY MAILBOX
FORCING ME TO USE TIME IN DELETING THEM. BE CONSIDERATE AND LET ME USE MY
MONEY ACCORDING TO MY POSSIBILITIES.
DEFINITELY, WITH ANGER...
ROGER DAVID CARASSO
Co-FOUNDER OF THE INTERNET
____ __ ____ _ ____ ___ ___
Roger/ /_||___//_\\___ \___\ \
\___/ || \/ \___\ ___\\__\ roger@carasso.com
[Uh, right. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 1995 07:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Web-page line of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From:
http://nyx10.cs.du.edu:8001/~gsherwin/crapaboutme.html
we get:
o When not being Swag Valance, I'm a SLACker:
...
o SOMEBODY has to work on the control system to prevent other
sinister accelerator physicists from steering the beam into
the windshields of unsuspecting motorists on I-280. And by
golly, I'm just the guy to do it.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 1995 17:35:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Josh M. Osborne" <stripes@va.pubnix.com>
Forwarded-by: jokes@elxr.jpl.nasa.gov
RING ...
RING ...
*click*
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that
the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about
to bite off your ear.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 15:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Well, as far as I can tell, it's "godmother".
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
From: Andrew Ross, UO Law School <aross@igc.apc.org>
Anyone ever look to see if cleanliness was really next to godliness?
No?
Well, it ain't. I looked. "Goggles" is next to "godliness".
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 95 18:31:26 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: What's the Difference?
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net
Forwarded-by: John Gilmore <gnu@toad.com>
Forwarded-By: Stanton McCandlish <mech@eff.org>
From: "Declan B. McCullagh" <declan+@CMU.EDU>
Q: What's the difference between the Church of Scientology and Carnegie
Mellon University?
A: One's a thriving cult of greed and power that's helped to restrict free
speech on the Internet. The other is a religion.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Oct 1995 17:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Within minutes a "brain fight" had broken out.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: jim@SmallWorks.COM (Jim Thompson)
From: Mike Roche <mr@Tadpole.COM>
TOKYO - Kashima University has expelled four medical students for pelting
other students with human brains!
School officials say the three men and one woman were dissecting cadavers
in the science laboratory when one of the males removed part of a cerebral
cortex from a corpse's skull and threw it at one of the other premed
students.
Within minutes a "brain fight" had broken out.
The students then reportedly opened the windows of the second-floor lab
and began throwing the brains down on unwitting passersby on the street
below. One girl was hit in the face and required treatment at the
university's emergency room.
School security officers say they're fairly certain that more people were
involved in the brain-throwing but only four were witnessed.
The expelled students said they didn't plan the brain fight. One of them
said, "It just sort of happened." He blamed the odd behavior on the pressure
of constant study and lack of sleep.
"We just had to let off some steam," admitted Ayako Hanyu, 19. "I guess
things got a little out of hand."
But Dean Shiuro Tatsuno refuses to budge on his decision to expel the
students.
"We realize that our medical students are under pressure," said Dean
Tatsuno.
"But we expect our future doctors and nurses to conduct themselves like
ladies and gentlemen at all times."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 1995 16:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Woof, woof!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
From: Pamela Bigus <PBIGUS@DESIRE.WRIGHT.EDU>
A man who needed a secretary hung a sign in his window that said,
"Secretary wanted to file and type. Must be bi-lingual."
Within a few minutes, a dog came trotting into his office with
the sign in his mouth. At first the man was irritated that a
dog had somehow gotten into the building, so he tried to shoo
him away. The dog dropped the sign on the man's desk and said,
"Woof, woof!"
The man gave him a puzzled look and said, "Don't tell me you're
here about the secretary job!" The dog replied, "Woof, woof!"
Skeptically, the man said, "OK, here! See if you can file these
papers." The dog grabbed the papers in his mouth, and filed
them correctly in just a few minutes, trotted back to the man's
desk and said, "Woof, woof!"
The man was amazed, but not quite convinced, so he handed the
dog some notes and said, "Here, see if you can type this up."
The dog took the notes, typed up the paper, and dropped it on
the man's desk with another "Woof, woof!"
The man said, "Well, I'm convinced you can do the job, but the
sign says that you must be bi-lingual," to which the dog replied,
"Meow!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 18:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Yeah, well, you probably don't need campaign flyers, either.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Our constituency doesn't hang out on computers.
-- Jesse Helms spokesman Thomas DeWitt, on whether Senator
Helms, R-NC., would create a World Wide Web site for his
1996 campaign.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 11:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Your attention, passengers! [Urban Legend of the Week]
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: aboyd@qnx.com <Andrew Boyd>
From: robie@umbc.edu (Bill Robie)
Date: Wed Oct 04 06:49:27 EDT 1995
Organization: University of Maryland, Baltimore County
On a commercial flight back to the D.C. area a few weeks ago,
the stewardess got onto the PA system and announced something
like this:
"Your attention, passengers! I'd like to announce that our
flight this evening has a very SPECIAL person on board. He
just turned 95 today, and this is his *first* flight ever on
an airplane."
(Pause while the passengers applaud politely.)
"So as you exit the plane tonight, please take a few moments to
stop and wish a big 'Happy Birthday' to the pilot!"
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------