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Yucks Digest V6 #9 (more shorts from the backlog)
Yucks Digest Fri, 5 Jul 96 Volume 6 : Issue 9
Today's Topics:
... granted political asylum by Iraq.
... what the duck leaves behind.
About 1-800 MY-ANI-IS
Australia Sex Industry Seeks Bull Penis Export Ban
Bill Gates funny flamage & a comment
Bob Gucchione gets a Net account.
Cash Giveaway
CNN Factoid for today
Drunken Donkeys Dry Out at British Sanctuary
Every dog has his day.
Flying Dwarf Appeals Against French Grounding
from alt.humor.best-of-usenet
Good Point of the Day
In case you were wondering what they're thinking...
JOTD (3 msgs)
Just like real life.
ls -<o-with-umlaut>
Name that Malady
Programmeric numerals
Psychotics, Neurotics, & Civil Servants
QOTD (4 msgs)
QOTD - 11/8/75 - Manilow
Religion at its finest.
Remember when the software was free?
Scottish Isle Seeks Expert Goose Droppings Counter
Senior SW Engineers
sexism at its best
Short, Funny
Singularity stupid.
Snakes.
Sometimes a cigar is more than a smoke.
The perfect perfect rejection rejection letter
The wonder of a dancing bear...
Unix alphabet
UTC [was * 11 months to the telephone area code change in Finland]
VR Pathologies
Yeah, but does it have a SEX instruction as well?
Yet More Dan Quayle Quotes
You are what you eat.
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html> and subscriptions can
be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 09:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... granted political asylum by Iraq.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@liquor.cabi.net>
Forwarded-by: Valtteri Vuorikoski <vuori@sci.fi>
Forwarded-by: cgw <cgw@tristero.io.com>
Forwarded-by: Al Evans <al@powertools.com>
My humble opinion is that it's sort of surprising how many people think
that computer science as we know it has ended after reading about an as
yet unproven, prerelease quality variant of C++ with garbage collection
and a cute alternative to multiple inheritance.
While Java probably could be made to fit into a SOM world (if you abandon
garbage collection and most of the native object oriented features), I
don't see how it could *replace* SOM (It talks Pascal even worse than Mac
SOM currently does, so Peter Lewis will never use it :-). I'm not aware
of any Bentoesque library modules being part of Java, so I don't see how
it could possibly be a replacement for OpenDoc.
My prediction of the Java timeline is approximately as follows:
Spring 96: Final release of Java appears, along with approximately 30
published books about it.
Summer 96: Bored bonehead writes virus in Java, places it on WWW.
Oct. 31, 1996: All machines with a WWW client melt down.
Winter 96: Surviving Webmasters open underground WWW, featuring hourly
changing ports, banning client side scripting forever. Sun Java team
granted political asylum by Iraq.
Remember, you read it here first.
-------
Matthias Neeracher <neeri@iis.ee.ethz.ch> http://err.ethz.ch/members/neeri.html
"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
an indication-applied occurrence."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 08:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... what the duck leaves behind.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Brent@GreatCircle.COM (Brent Chapman)
From: pwinn@dakota.net (Phillip Winn)
Date: Fri, 24 Nov 95 11:29 CST
[Regarding Microsoft's claims of ease of use, vs. Mac and OS/2.]
You can add so-called easy-to-use features one at a time or hundreds at
a time, but unless a system is designed from the ground up with the right
focus in mind, it won't ever compare. Windows95 doesn't compare any more
than OS/2 does. In this case it may look a little like a duck and it may
even walk a little like a duck, but it still smells like what the duck
leaves behind.
[Feathers? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 27 Nov 1995 18:07:08 GMT
From: jct@astro.ocis.temple.edu (Billy Ray Cypress Hill)
Subject: About 1-800 MY-ANI-IS
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom.tech
[..the sig is the thing here --spaf]
--
And there in the distance was a large, abusive, gargling man with a sack of
potatoes and some very pure plutonium, screaming at the top of his lungs,
that he, and only he, was the Lord's Son, Jesus Christ, who without, we
would have no need for pain and suffering and tampons, and several other
odd toiletries found in the lavishes of our expensive, upper-middle-class
homes in the suburbs of Cincinati and elsewhere, for without him, we
would be nothing but piles of ash or possibly, if we were lucky, maybe
even the attendant at a "Whack-A-Mole" game on the boardwalk in Wildwood,
but only if we were really nice to him. As I watched him and his ranting
go on for several minutes, while, of course, paying sincere attention to
his words and their strict meaning and application to life today, I
thought to myself, "I think that I shall be nice to him, for I would much
like to work on the boardwalk."
-- Sister Gertrude Mein Henersevergenheimer
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Dec 95 23:56 CST
From: Ron Heiby <heiby@falkor.chi.il.us>
Subject: Australia Sex Industry Seeks Bull Penis Export Ban
To: spaf
By Brian Timms
CANBERRA, Nov 22 (Reuter) - Australia's sex industry is attempting
to stop the export of tons of bull's penises to Asia because it claims
they do not really work as an aphrodisiac.
"The libido-enhancing claims are fraudulent in the extreme," said
Robbie Swan, a spokesman for the Eros Foundation. "They are about as
much use as a bull's tongue," Swan told Reuters.
The Foundation, which aims to raise the image of Australia's sex
industry, has asked the trade ministry to ban the export.
But Australian meat company Tenarra Pty ltd, which this year has
flown 8,000 frozen bull's penises to Asia, mainly to China, was
unrepentant.
"We don't claim they are aphrodisiacs. Our customers just say
'they are good for the men'," said Fred McDonald, manager of the
abattoir, near the Northern Territory capital, Darwin.
"Some of our workers here boiled some up into a soup and they
reckon they are pretty good," said McDonald. Ideally, the penises
should be boiled for 48 hours into a soup, he added.
The total weight of the exported penises was 5,000 tons, fetching
A$1.50 (US$1.15) a kilo, plus freight, and demand is apparently insatiable.
"We can't get enough of them," McDonald said.
"We don't chop them off while they are alive. Most of the bulls
killed are feral bulls running wild round the Northern Territory. They
are jumping fences to get among the herds of good cattle and farmers
want them culled out."
To make full use of the product, the abattoir is now turning bull
scrotum bags into a useful product -- warm holders for slipping over the
base of cold cans of beer.
Up to now, most so-called "stubby" holders have been made of
polystyrene or rubber.
"We've dried about 1,000 scrotums for holding beer cans. They make
good Christmas presents. They're quite nice to touch," McDonald said.
The bull penises cannot be sold in Australia as aphrodisiacs.
[Why? Don't they work there? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 95 01:21:04 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Bill Gates funny flamage & a comment
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
From: mgr@aggroup.com (Mike Russell)
[gleaned from an interminable news thread flaming MS/Bill Gates]
>>The fact that Uncle Bill is one of the richest men alive doesn't
>>prove anything...
>
>Actually, I earnestly think that no one should ever need more than
>640K$ of money.
And the financial institutions should enforce that limit. Of course,
if you do use more than that, you would have to get into bank switching...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Dec 1995 10:05:04 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Bob Gucchione gets a Net account.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
From: creator@nyc.pipeline.com (Stephen Daedelus)
Subject: HOW TO SEDUCE ANY WOMAN ONLINE!
Unlikely Casanova Reveals Surefire Techniques
SEDUCE ANY WOMAN ON THE INTERNET!
PROVEN SEDUCTION TECHNIQUES MAKE YOU
A WINNER AT THE GAME OF LOVE
Hi. I'm a fat, older, balding man..with important news for you! I've
gotten laid with over 20 different women (young and old..some quite
beautiful) since February...by finding and seducing them on the Internet.
Both my online and offline friends have been astounded by my success and
by the online seductions I have accomplished. Now I've decided to share
my online seduction techniques with every guy out there who really wants
to pick up women online and get laid by them in real life! I'll give you
opening lines that work almost every time. Screen name and profile hints.
And most important of all, hundreds and hundreds of pages of realtime
dialogues that will show you how to seduce almost any woman..for love..for
sex..even for kinky sex. And I'm not kidding. I'm 40, and my girlfriend,
who I found on the Internet is 18, a stunning beauty...plus she was a
virgin when I met her. I've seduced submissive women, businesswomen, women
in government, writers, artists, even one physician. Yes, seduced them
online, met them, and slept with them! Read my dialogues and you'll see
how easy it can be. Some of them are damn hot, too! By now you're
probably wondering, What's the angle? Simple. I'm an author, and I do sell
my unique guide to finding real passion in cyberspace. But if you're
hoping to find love, romance, or even just sex, for real, on the
Internet..you'll find my seduction and dialogue techniques are worth a
fortune! I've found I can score, for real, as often as I want...You can
too! If you're interested, just respond by e-mail (mail to
creator@pipeline.com) and I'll send you more information. This is 100%
for real and I know you'll be thrilled and amazed by what you can learn.
Hope to hear from you!
[Yup, send in your money and you'll be screwed right away.
Actually, some of us fat, balding, 40-ish guys may not need such
advice. For instance, an attractive young lady recently told me I had
the sex appeal of two men.
Unfortunately, those two men are Dom DeLuise and Ted Koczinski.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Dec 1995 15:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Cash Giveaway
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: AJMain@aol.com
Cash Giveaway
-- By Denis Murphy, (nbc36@vnet.net) WCNC, Charlotte, NC
Here at WCNC, we have been struggling to compete with our rival stations
who have been reduced to giving away huge sums of money to lure viewers
during sweeps months. This year, the market's number-one station, ABC
affiliate WSOC-TV, is giving away "up to $1 million," while WBTV, the
number 2, has topped that with a supposed $1.5 million giveaway. To win
the money, you must match "lottery" style numbers (mailed to Charlotte
area residents and also available in local fast-food restaurants) against
winning numbers aired during commercial breaks during the 5, 5:30 and 6pm
newscasts. Not wishing to get into the cash giveaway game, WCNC decided
instead to display our competitors' winning numbers as they are drawn. So
instead of having to flick channels to watch 2 newscasts simultaneously
for a briefly appearing winning number, contest participants can watch
our newscasts and wait for the winning numbers to be displayed at the
bottom of the screen, for up to 10 minutes. Our ratings have doubled as
a result.
[With ingenuity like that, I'd watch during sweeps simply to support
them. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 1995 14:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: CNN Factoid for today
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dspiro%x400#@geis.geis.com
Forwarded-by: Alan_Miley/PRC_AWIPS@apnmc.prc.com
According to CNN, the average new wristwatch has more computing power
than all the computing power that was available before 1956 combined.
[Non-organic computing power, I would assume. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Dec 95 23:54 CST
From: Ron Heiby <heiby@falkor.chi.il.us>
Subject: Drunken Donkeys Dry Out at British Sanctuary
To: spaf
SIDMOUTH, England, Nov 7 (Reuter) - An animal sanctuary that has had
to treat donkeys for alcoholism said on Tuesday that owners giving liquor
to the usually calm beasts can turn them into aggressive drunks.
Dr Elisabeth Svendsen, whose sanctuary in western England is helping
the donkeys to dry out, has treated animals given dark Guinness beer and gin.
"They get very aggressive and lose their normal placid temperament,"
she told Reuters.
"We had a group of three who came in from a pub that was closed down.
They had been fed on Guinness and crisps. One died after six weeks."
One donkey was trained at a pub to pick up a half pint of beer with
its lips and down the drink in one gulp. It ended up attacking the pub
owner's wife.
Svendsen treats donkeys which make an ass of themselves on alcohol by
gradually weaning them off with watered down versions of their favourite
tipple.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 14:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Every dog has his day.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Ari Maidenberg <yku02293@yorku.ca>
A guy walks into a bar with an angry look on his face. He orders four
double-double vodkas, lines them up and gulps them down, one after the
other.
"Good Lord!" said the bartender, "what brought that on?"
"I just found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"What did you say to him?"
"I told him he was a BAD DOG!!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Dec 95 23:54 CST
From: Ron Heiby <heiby@falkor.chi.il.us>
Subject: Flying Dwarf Appeals Against French Grounding
To: spaf
PARIS (Reuter) - Diminutive Manuel Wackenheim wants the European Court of
Human Rights to take action against France for banning the bizarre pastime of
"dwarf-throwing".
The 1.14 metre (3 ft 10 inch) Frenchman is furious he has now lost the
income he once derived from being hurled around by burly men.
The State Council, France's highest administrative court, ruled last week
that dwarf throwing was degrading to human dignity. Despite complaints by
28-year-old Wackenheim, the council upheld bans on the pastime by some local
councils.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 17:08:13 -0800
From: Pete Zakel <phz@cadence.com>
Subject: from alt.humor.best-of-usenet
To: ross@epic.com
>From deej Mon Nov 27 16:12:54 1995
Subject: from alt.humor.best-of-usenet
Found this on alt.humor.best-of-usenet:
> I was doing sysadmin for the Air Force a few years ago
> and got a (L)user story that tops 'em all. The Help Desk gave me a call
> from Major So-and-so who was having a problem with his workstation. I spoke
> with him and he told me, "Every time I switch it over to 'Official' the
> damn screen goes blank." I went down to see what the hell this "Official"
> switch was. After nearly getting court-martialed for laughing so hard, I
> spent about 20 minutes explaining to this ex-pilot that "Off" was not an
> abbreviation for "Official."
> Original posted by afp3@netcom.com (Arthur F. Provost)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Nov 1995 17:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good Point of the Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: rob@plan9.att.com
Vladimir Nabokov, in the little afterword in "Lolita", remarks
that
"reality" [is] one of the few words which mean nothing
without quotes.
Try it: Virtual "Reality".
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 26 Nov 95 23:33:39 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: In case you were wondering what they're thinking...
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
From: Cacophony
Mmmm, yeah - picture this if you will: me, naked, on my
back with my legs up in the air, hot and wet, my glistening
hungry hole open for business. You know what I want. I want
you to put it in me. Yeah, I want it so bad. That's right,
shove it in me deep, yes, there, oh yes. God, please stuff
me... yes fill me up. Stuff me. Stuff me. (And don't forget
to baste me too.)
Sincerely,
Hot Thanksgiving Turkey
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Nov 1995 08:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Who'd have thought 25 years ago that one day you'd see a liberal feminist,
Jane Fonda, sitting next to her conservative millionaire husband, watching
two teams with nicknames offensive to Native Americans, playing baseball
in front of a sign advertising something called "Hooters." Boy, we have
come a long way.
-- Jay Leno
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Adds Comic Argus Hamilton: "Atlanta has its reasons for keeping
the Braves nickname and the 'tomahawk chop.' They take all the
heat off the Confederate flag flying over the stadium parking lot."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Nov 1995 15:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Leno, on the Washington Bullets changing its name because its owners did
not want the NBA team associated with the image of crime: "So for now on,
instead of the Washington Bullets, the team is just going to be known as
the Bullets."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Nov 1995 09:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
In the News: Argus Hamilton, on the GOP presidential hopefuls debating
last Friday in Florida: "During closing statements, all the candidates
thanked their second wives and called for a restoration of family
values."
Tony Peyser, on Howard Stern's publisher/editor (Judith Regan) claiming
his writings reveals as much about the 1990s as Shakespeare's does about
the late 1500s. "Stern's next book will be titled 'King Leer.'"
Bill Maher, on the two women in China who spent 12 days in the same room
with 888 snakes in an attempt to get into the Guinness Book of World
Records": "They, of course, beat out the previous record, held by Judge
Ito."
Maher, on the former Florida college professor who now leads the Islamic
Jihad: "He is known in international circles as 'Carlos The Tenured.'"
Hamilton, on the asteroid named after the late Grateful Dead founder
Jerry Garcia: "Nothing's changed. It's followed around by thousands of
burned-out fragments just looking for a place to crash for the night."
"According to a new survey, 76 percent of men would rather watch football
games than have sex...See, the other 24 percent live in areas where all
they get on TV are New York Jets games."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 1995 08:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Just like real life.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Yes, people are really stupid enough to try dumb stunts at home. A story
reported last week: A 14-year old Bakersfield boy shot and killed
himself Wednesday (Nov.22) while watching a magic show on TV. Eddie Lee
Oats was with three friends in Oats' bedroom. Police detectives say the
boys were watching NBC's World of Magic when Oats put the gun in his
mouth and pulled the trigger. The boys say Oats didn't know the gun was
loaded. The boys had traded two pagers for the gun earlier in the day
from "some guys on the street." The boys were watching a trick by Penn &
Teller in which they fired a magic bullet at each other, catching the
bullet in one magician's mouth. The boys explained Oats said, "watch, I
could do that," when the gun went off. Police questioned several people
in connection with the shooting and determined it was accidental.
[Pity. He probably would have grown up to be a proud consumer of
Microsoft products, a supporter of tobacco companies, and never missed a
Rush Limbaugh show. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Nov 1995 19:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ls -<o-with-umlaut>
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
>From a signature line:
The real reason GNU ls is 8-bit-clean is so that they can start
using ISO-8859-1 option characters.
-- Christopher Davis (ckd@loiosh.kei.com)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 11:21:28 -0800
From: casseres@apple.com (David Casseres)
Subject: Name that Malady
To: chile-heads@bunny.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu
My guru told me that when you eat hot chiles you should follow them with
some ice cream. Then, when you're sitting on the toilet the next day and
the burn commences, you can holler "Come onnnnnn, ice cream!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 95 11:09:23 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Programmeric numerals
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
From: Dave@Yost.com
unix
dos
trace
quit
sync
set
awk
nohup
dec
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Nov 95 13:04:42 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Psychotics, Neurotics, & Civil Servants
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
Forwarded-by: chriss@amgen.com (Chris Silvester)
Q: What's the difference between a psychotic and a neurotic?
A: A psychotic doesn't believe that 2 + 2 = 4. A neurotic knows it's true,
but it bothers him.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Nov 1995 17:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: haynes@xis.xerox.com (Dawn {bob} Haynes)
Forwarded-by: "Barbara Gross" <Barbara_Gross@adoc.xerox.com>
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.
-- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
Time's fun when you're having flies.
-- Kermit the Frog
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 1995 08:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
"Oh Bother," said Pooh, and quietly erased his hard disk.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Nov 1995 07:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
God gave us [men] a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to
run one at a time.
-- Robin Williams on The Tonight Show
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Nov 1995 13:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: sharris@spelink.spe.org (Sharon Harris)
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief
respites are called panic.
-- Cullen Hightower
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Nov 95 23:18:57 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: QOTD - 11/8/75 - Manilow
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
"I considered myself and still consider myself
the hippest man on the planet."
-- Singer Barry Manilow.
[Which one? -psl]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 1995 16:05:04 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Religion at its finest.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
[We can only hope they've been misquoted, and that their claim
is that it's the "only school from which Bill Gates graduated."]
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 1995 07:54:33 -0800
From: MacWay@aol.com
To: Subscribers to <macway@abs.apple.com>
Subject: -) Bill's high school
A recent Call-of-the-Day at Apple's tech support facility:
The following Call-of-the-Day was submitted by Customer Relations
agent Adam Gerstein in Campbell, California:
I'm talking with a person in the state of Washington who works at
Lakeside High School, which they claim is the "only school that Bill
Gates graduated from."
It's now all Macintosh.
_______________________
I suspect that when this message gets to Bill via our 13 Microsoft
employees on EvangeList that Bill buys the high school.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Nov 1995 19:05:16 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Remember when the software was free?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
It looks like the world has come full circle. In my early days in
computing, I recall how vendors would give away huge bundles of software
(like, say, operating systems) in order to get you to buy their computer.
Then computing became more and more a software-driven business, and it's
pretty common to spend more on software than on hardware.
Today I got a catalog from DataComm Warehouse. The front cover offer
gives you free ethernet hardware if you buy a copy of Novell Netware.
It was bound to happen, and it's only going to get worse. Free modems
with a one-year commitment to America OnLine. Free CD-ROM drive with the
CD-ROM edition of an encyclopaedia (you know the one - it won't fit on
one cd-rom). Free PCs? Sure, eventually. The suckers are going to get
like digital watches -- throw 'em away when the battery runs out.
Excuse me, I need a beer.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Dec 95 23:59 CST
From: Ron Heiby <heiby@falkor.chi.il.us>
Subject: Scottish Isle Seeks Expert Goose Droppings Counter
To: spaf
EDINBURGH, Nov 27 (Reuter) - Wanted: dynamic expert to safeguard
Scotland's environment. Experience in counting goose droppings an
advantage.
Scottish Natural Heritage, which already employs Britain's only
professional goose scarer, wants an experienced naturalist to count
droppings to assess the success of its scheme to cut the numbers of
barnacle geese grazing on farmland in the Orkney islands.
"These geese defecate once every four minutes, so counting the
droppings is a good indication of the numbers present," said Heritage
official Andy Dorin.
About 1,200 barnacle geese from Scandinavia and Russia winter in
the South Walls area of Orkney.
[Once every 4 minutes? Heck, cage them and use them as clocks! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Nov 1995 12:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Senior SW Engineers
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
From: Kawasaki@eworld.com
[From an Apple ad in the San Jose Mercury -- read the phrase that
begins with "code, isolate..." carefully.]
MOBILE COMPUTING
Senior SW Engineers (Device Driver Development)
As a senior member of our team defining, planning and developing core I/O
drivers for Macintosh Desktops to run Copland, Apple's Next Generation
Operating System, you will write and review specs: create and review
schedules; define and execute module performance and quality tests; code,
isolate and fix bugs; and monitor performance optiimization.
[See? I try to pick on everyone, even if they aren't in Redmond! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 01 Dec 1995 08:51:08 -0500 (EST)
From: Tiffany_Taylor@mm.cobb.ziff.com
Subject: sexism at its best
To: bob
From: Tiffany Taylor on Fri, Dec 1, 1995 8:52 AM
Subject: sexism at its best
To: bob
Just as I've always suspected...
Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing.
Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for
granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and
says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q." The mermaid
says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and
analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The
mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions
to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varing fields:
physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says
to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You
know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I
really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says: "Nope, I want you to times my I.Q.
by five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the
mermaid, "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on
the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q.
increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."
And he became a woman.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Nov 1995 13:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Short, Funny
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Q. What does D.N.A. stand for ??
A. National Dyslexic Association.
(barum-bum)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Nov 1995 10:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Singularity stupid.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: aldous@mundil.cs.mu.OZ.AU (Matthew David ALDOUS)
From: bowen@netgate.net (Bowen Simmons)
Newsgroups: talk.origins
Subject: Re: Is evolution a science
In article <DHCwur.FAI@goodnet.com>, tpbarry@goodguy.goodnet.com wrote:
> Particularly when you find whole strata out of place! How can you
> use it as evidence when it contradicts itself?
God is this a stupid question. I mean, this is rock-hard stupid.
Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond
the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. It is
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. It is stupid collapsed on itself so
far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that
no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. It is a blazing mid-day
sun on Mercury stupid. It emits more stupid in one second than our entire
galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. This has to be a troll. Nothing
in our universe can really be this stupid. Unless this is some primordial
fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a
stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of
physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of
stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while.
I don't even have enough strength left to deride ignorant questions about
human / dinosaur footprints, cave drawings of dinosaurs, and the rest of
this drivel.
[No, tell us what you really think. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 1995 11:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Snakes.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: black@sybase.com (Chris Black)
If a new technology, such as image-intensifier X-rays, offered
an immediate diagnostic benefit, we tried to obtain the best
equipment available. One of our Indian radiologists mastered
the art of cineradiography and made outstanding moving pictures
of the inner workings of the human body. (He also gained some
notoriety thanks to a bizarre film. This radiologist persuaded
an Indian snake-swallower to let him feed barium meals to his
liveliest snakes. Then in front of an X-ray camera the obliging
street entertainer swallowed each of the snakes, one by one,
let them frolic a while in his stomach, and regurgitated them.
The resulting film -- viewers see snakes, outlined in white by
the barium, squirm down the esophagus wriggle and knot in the
man's stomach, then thrust upward above a heaving diaphragm --
made quite a hit at international radiology conferences.)
-- The Gift Nobody Wants, by Paul Brand and Philip Yancey.
[The Gift Nobody Wants is an interesting meditation on pain and its
meaning by a doctor who spent many years in India working with leprosy
patients. I recommend it highly.]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 1995 13:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Sometimes a cigar is more than a smoke.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-By: Andy Freeman <andy@CS.Stanford.EDU>
>From James Burke's The Day the Universe Changed:
New techniques were also developed for handling fractures. Early in the
war much of the fighting had taken place on the Franco-German border near
the Val d'Ajol in the Vosges mountains. There, the local _rebouteurs_, or
"quacks", were expert in treating the effects of falls and taught the
surgeons the value of alcohol as a means of inducing stupor and relaxation
so as to make manipulation easier. They had also solved the problems of
poisoning associated with the use of nicotine in surgery on the abdominal
area. The patient was given oils of nicotine which were supposed to relax
and anaesthetise the abdomen so as to make hip and pelvic setting possible.
The poisonous nicotine often killed the patient. The _rebouteurs_
inserted a cigar into the patient's rectum to the same effect and without
risk of intoxication.
[However, the trick was to not light it. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 95 01:06:38 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: The perfect perfect rejection rejection letter
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: Ninafel@aol.com
Forwarded-by: CarlaLC
Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall
Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising
field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs
at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant
professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 13:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The wonder of a dancing bear...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box. He sets the duck on
top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing.
The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in
the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while
doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is full
of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd
quack now and again. The barman realises that he hasn't had business this
good in a long time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from
the man to which the man aggrees to sell for 500 pounds. The barman thinks
it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow.
On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching his
dancing duck.
Later that night, the man gets a telephone call; it is the barman and he
exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has his money back
in the amount of drink he has sold, but he says - "There is one thing...
How do you get the duck to stop dancing?" to which the man replies -- "Oh
simple --- just take the lid of the biscuit box and blow out the candle."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Nov 1995 08:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Unix alphabet
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Karels <karels@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: Greg Minshall <minshall@Ipsilon.COM>
Forwarded-by: "Stans Kleijnen" <stans@ipsilon.com>
The ABCs of Unix
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A is for Awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for Biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for CC, as hackers recall, while
D is for DD, the command that does all.
E is for Emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for Fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for Grep, a clever detective, while
H is for Halt, which may seem defective.
I is for Indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for Join, which nobody uses.
K is for Kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for Lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for More, from which Less was begot, and
N is for Nice, which it really is not.
O is for Od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for Passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for Quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for Ranlib, for sorting ar [sic] table.
S is for Spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for True, which does very little.
U is for Uniq, which is used after Sort, and
V is for Vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for Whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for Yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for Zcat, which handles compression.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Nov 95 14:07:59 GMT
From: Terry Simpson <terrys@linkmsd.com>
Subject: UTC [was * 11 months to the telephone area code change in Finland]
Newsgroups: uk.telecom,comp.dcom.telecom.tech,alt.dcom.telecom
In article <48iknl$q7s@inet-nntp-gw-1.us.oracle.com>
cmylod@uk.oracle.com "Colum Mylod" writes:
> There are flavours
> of UTC but it is international, as is its aeronautic equivalent Zulu.
Zulu is not a time. It is a suffix which is written alongside time values to
indicate that GMT (or UTC now I suppose) is being used e.g. 1300Z
This leads to the following:
'You have to be at my location at 4 o'clock'
'Can you tell me that in Zulu?'
'Certainly, N'dinge qwe qwe lobo'
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 1995 07:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: VR Pathologies
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: carolyn meinel <cmeinel@unm.edu>
Nationwide, the list of reported maladies from prolonged immersion in
computer-generated worlds continues to grow: vertigo, motion sickness,
flashbacks, spontaneous seizures, excessively nerdy and anti-social
behavior...
-- Washington Technology magazine, Nov. 9, 1995, pg. 25.
technews@technews.com
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 1995 08:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Yeah, but does it have a SEX instruction as well?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: ivie@cc.usu.edu (Roger Ivie)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
The Intel 8051 book suggests that you do not try to pronounce the
mnemonics ANL (logical AND) and ORL (logical OR) out load. From the MCS-51
User's Manual, July 1981, page 6-20:
The instructions ANL, ORL, XRL perform the logical
functions AND, OR, and/or Exclusive-OR on the two byte
variables indicated, leaving the results in the first.
No flags are affected. (A word to the wise -- do not
vocalize the first two mnemonics in mixed company.)
[On my home planet, vocalizing the third menmonic is also impolite in
mixed company (i.e., a crowd with all 6 genders present.). --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 95 00:54:52 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Yet More Dan Quayle Quotes
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
[These are ones that I haven't set out before - oh, okay, they're really the
ones that I don't remember sending out before, and I know. it doesn't mean you
haven't seen them before, but even so, you'll probably want to add them to
that file of Dan Quayle jokes you're keeping... -psl]
Forwarded-by: jackd@heart.cor.epa.gov (Jack Doyle)
Forwarded by: dave_wolf@om.cv.hp.com
Dan Quayle quotes.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was
that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
people."
-- J. Danforth Quayle
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a
tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
[Secretly my ambition, actually. --spaf]
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame
for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings?
The killers are to blame."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has
a job next year."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle
may or may not make."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Dec 1995 07:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: You are what you eat.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jason Thorpe <thorpej@nas.nasa.gov>
Forwarded-by: Stephen Haase <shaase@microsoft.com>
Cookies
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm 3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm 3 NaHCO 3
3. 4.9 cm 3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm 3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm 3 crystalline C12H22011
6. 177.45 cm 3 unrefined C12H22011
7. 4.9 cm 3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma caccao
10. 236.6 cm 3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
Directions:
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-
transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two
and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a
radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five,
six and seven until the mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2, add
ingredient eight, followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous
mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredients nine and ten slowly,
with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction
to control any temperature rise that may be the result of anexothermic
reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a # 4 nodulizer, place the
mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven
for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first
order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once
the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C heat-transfer
table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
[And don't just go eating all the dough before they're baked!]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------