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Yucks Digest V7 #6 (assorted nonsense)
Yucks Digest Tue, 18 Mar 97 Volume 7 : Issue 6
Today's Topics:
"Look-and-feel" Lawsuit
A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far Far Away...
Apartment Incident
Bumper Stickers
Childbirth
Doomed People
Etiquette?
Forty-Six Possibly Interesting Facts
FW: Little Johnny (fwd) (THIS ONE IS GOOD)
I heard a loud siren, lots of static, and was disconnected.
LAN Dogma and Theory 301
Lovecraft and Wodehouse, together again
Mom used to use soap...
The Book of my Enemy
The Science of Everyday Life - CD Comparison
What Cars Really Say
Where do deleted characters go?
Why God Never Received Tenure at any University
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 97 13:27:39 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: "Look-and-feel" Lawsuit
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@peak.org>
From: surfbaud@NO-SPAM.waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)
Azathoth, Nyarlathotep, and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.
To: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
Sirs:
Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention your recent
product entitled Windows '95. Therefore We now give you statutory notice of
intent of proceedings to be taken against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.
With this suit We will show that Windows '95, and to a lesser extent all of
the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the recognised "look-and-feel"
of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:
o Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest pits of Hell;
o No man can be in its presence for too long without being driven into
gibbering insanity;
o A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal herd;
o Those who associate with it for too long develop common physical
characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging eyes, generally
unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards nocturnal living, change
in diet to that which normal men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers
and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of
Alien Gods);
o Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are reputed to
exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance and only available at
a terrible cost to the user.
o The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate the world, and
force all who dwell there to live in eternal damnation.
As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider that
most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles for faces
scoop out their brains and eat them.
We hope you will consider these points carefully and settle out of court,
since it is not Our intention to have your senior partners spend the rest
of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security
psychiatric hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who
gave humanity lawyers in the first place.
Respectfully yours,
<Oddly disturbing squiggle in some sort of ichor>
pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far Far Away...
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
Forwarded-by: kay@rsvl.unisys.com
Luke: "You used to program."
Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same as your father."
Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer. He was a custodian at
Lockheed-Martin."
Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your
father's ideals. He thought he should go to work. Not gotten
a degree."
Luke: "I wish I had known him."
Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems
programmer in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a
good hacker yourself. And he was a good friend. For over ten
years the systems programmers created user interfaces. Before
the dark times. Before Microsoft."
Luke: "How did my father die?"
Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student
until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded Microsoft
and helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He betrayed
and murdered the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the Dark Side
of Money."
Luke: "Money?"
Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an
exchange system created by human beings. It surrounds us. Works
for us. Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your
father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your
Uncle wouldn't allow it. He thought you'd follow old Obi-Wan on
some damn idealistic crusade."
Luke: "What is it?"
Ben: "It's an object modeling tool. The weapon of a systems programmer.
Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An elegant compiler
for a more civilized age."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 97 13:02:02 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Apartment Incident
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: <Robalini@aol.com>
Forwarded-by: The Konformist 15 March, 1997
Forwarded-by: Brad Rose
------------------
Apartment Incident
------------------
Sam rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name
on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of
the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Sam smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing
on under the robe. Poor Sam breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,
"Let's go into my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans
against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Sam
stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out " Oh,
it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these
boobs! They're pert, full, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm,
doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or
scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my
body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Sam stammers - "Well, outside when you said
you heard someone coming - that was me!"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 08 Mar 1997 18:23:24 -0800
From: jaustin@4dcomm.com (John Austin)
Subject: Bumper Stickers
To: multiple
ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
Keep Honking/I'm Reloading
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools."
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let her sleep."
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Montana --- At least *our* cows are sane!"
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian."
"Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its
students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
"Always remember you're unique--just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"I souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find
a
rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
"Sex on television can't hurt you--unless you fall off."
"I'm a corporate executive--I keep things from happening."
"If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question."
"Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law."
"Bad Cop! No donut!"
"This acid must be good. It feels like I'm driving!"
"Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Mar 97 00:15:02 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Childbirth
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[An old joke in a new disguise... -psl]
Forwarded-by: "Mills, Rea" <ream@gil.net>
Forwarded-by: Pat Adams <pata@cet.com>
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to deliver the baby. When
they arrived at the hospital the doctor told them that the hospital had a
new machine that would ease the burden on the wife by transferring some of
the pain of childbirth to the father. They both thought it would be a good
idea to try the new machine. The doctor turned the machine on and told the
man that he would only give him 10% of the pain since that would probably
be much more pain than any other pain he had ever endured.
The man gamely nodded his approval as he clenched his teeth and prepared
for the worst. The doctor turned the machine to 10% and the man sat there
in amazement, stretched, and yawned. He had the doctor increase the pain
and eventually 100% of the pain was the father's. When the childbirth was
over the man stood up and strolled across the floor virtually pain free.
Within a couple of hours he and his wife went home. When they arrived
home, they found the twisted form of the mailman, dead on the front porch.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 08 Mar 1997 17:45:38 -0800
From: jaustin@4dcomm.com (John Austin)
Subject: Doomed People
To: multiple
Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If
you don't believe it, consider the following:-
* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio
Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed
to break a window, climb out and swim to shore --where a tree
blew over and killed him.
* Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in
1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was
standing on passed under a low-level bridge --killing him.
* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds,
England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow
worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw.
The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he
died of a fractured skull.
* George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence,
R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his
factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries,
he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall
then collapsed on him, killing him.
* Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old
Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in
his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded
for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears
and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
* In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid
out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners
watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of
fright; killed by a heart attack.
* A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up
uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander
told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance
money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
* Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a
thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall,
dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
* In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan,
was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck
by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as
Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him,
rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of
gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van
plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured
bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth
vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one
person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan
suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other
assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
* While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside,
Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing
gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a
farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing
gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind
Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When
the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit
Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti
responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the
horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with
the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of
excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the
sports-car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car
and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the
three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his
goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were
still trying to sort out the claims.
* Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal
head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh.
Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the
road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the
windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized
with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
* In a classic case of one thing leading to another,
seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of
three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after
a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at
another while they stood waiting for a train.
* Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's
incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen
built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged
himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing
a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought
were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As
she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and
suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so
surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack.
Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his
wife were reconciled.
* An unidentified English woman, according to the London
Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when
she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she
dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a
noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he
would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if
she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom
cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and,
to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming
toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to
read the meter, which was kept inside the broom cupboard. "Oh,"
stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man
blinked, excused himself and departed.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 1997 18:06:49 -0600
From: Werner Uhrig <werner@ddg.com>
Subject: Etiquette?
To: The Humour Mill <friends-of-wru@hipark.austin.isd.tenet.edu>
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three
months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a
supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train
was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet
and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally
he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two
people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British
lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted; "You
Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He
found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at
home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said. The
lady replied "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant" she said. He
leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "Lady,
I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent
rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady
replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also
obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it
out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke
up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description
of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You
drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand,
and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 97 15:37:53 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Forty-Six Possibly Interesting Facts
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Nicki K. Evans" <nke2660@NebrWesleyan.edu>
Interesting Facts:
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must
be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of
war or other emergencies.
The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts)
is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving
under a car driving under an airplane.
Emus cannot walk backwards.
The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S.
Military Academy at West Point, NY.
There are only thirteen blimps in the world. Nine of the thirteen blimps
are in the United States.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing.
David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all
of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by
James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of "F."
Camel's milk does not curdle.
Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General
Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and Australia
have participated in every Olympics.
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonald's.
Giraffes have no vocal cords.
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is
necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had
segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon
of diesel that it burns.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal
category.
Roger Ebert is the only film critic to have ever won the Pulitzer prize.
Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after
the Catholic Church.
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.
The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon
to clean the pot.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches
2-6 years of age.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19.
You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to
make change for a dollar.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a
Superbowl.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only
6 people were injured
Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in
the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition.
The only two days of the year in which there are no North American
professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and
the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 1997 14:14:11 -0800
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
Subject: FW: Little Johnny (fwd) (THIS ONE IS GOOD)
To: bchen@nstl.lanbit.com.tw, Gordon_Page@medicalogic.com, Marty_Martinez@ccmail.us.dell.com, nealpo@rex.west.sun.com, Reynolds_MacNary@ccmail.us.dell.com, Robert_Hume@ccmail.us.dell.com, Roman_Szeszycki@ccmail.us.dell.com, shawnp@omegabyte.com, spaf, sum
I know some people to whom this might apply...
>From: Gryting, Paul
>Sent: Monday, March 17, 1997 11:37 AM
>To: Marcie, Patrick (Pat); Bertness, Edwin (Ed); Nelson Jr, James (Jim);
>Nelson, Jay; Boykin, Robert (Bob); Rodriguez, Gabriel (Gabe); Wilson,
>Richard; Steele, Robert
>Subject: FW: Little Johnny (fwd) (THIS ONE IS GOOD)
>
>MORAL OF THE STORY
>>
>> One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go
>> home and think of a story and then end it with a moral. The following
>> day the teacher asks for a volunteer.
>>
>> Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday
>> we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them
>> at the market. One Sunday, we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out
>> of the basket & onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral
>> of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
>>
>> Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too, and every week we
>> put the chicken eggs into the incubator. Last week only 8 of 12 eggs
>> hatched." The teacher asked for the moral of the story, and Lucy
>>replied,
>> "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "Wonderful!"
>>exclaims
>> the teacher.
>>
>> Last is little Johnny. "My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his
>> plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
>> crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the
>> way down he drank the case of beer, and unfortunately landed right in
>>
>>the
>> middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with the machine gun, but
>> ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.
>> Then the
>> blade on the machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare
>> hands." The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is
>> possibly any moral to his story. "Sure. Don't fuck with Uncle Ted
>> when he's been drinking."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 1997 15:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: I heard a loud siren, lots of static, and was disconnected.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Eric Hendrickson <edh@staff.juno.com>
Forwarded-by: "Erik E. Rantapaa" <rantapaa@math.umn.edu>
Forwarded-by: "Craig W. Carlson" <cwc@Ancor.com>
Forwarded-by: Peter Fuglestad <fuglet19@idt.net>
Forwarded-by: "Mark Fuglestad" <m_fugl00@tpnet.co.nz>
PREAMBLE
This is a somewhat exotic but true collection this week. Dave Henderson
is based in Moscow, Russia but his son works as a customer assistant
technician in the United States. The company he works for contracts out
its services to different companies, including Apple. The following
accounts are a collection from within the Apple product network and
according to Dave's son are not indicative of the normal kinds of calls
he receives. Nonetheless they do occur once or twice during a normal
shift. Dave and I enjoyed them and we hope that you will too.
AN APPLE A DAY...
1. Customer: "How long does it take to rewind my Performa CD? I'm afraid
I won't be able to start up in the right place."
2. Customer: "My computer isn't starting up very fast anymore. My husband
and I both smoke while using it. Would that prevent it from starting up
quickly?"
3. Customer: "My Macintosh's power cord is too short. There is an outlet
on the other side of the wall from where I want to keep my Macintosh. If
I drill a hole in the wall and plug it in on the other side, would it hurt
the operation of my Macintosh?"
4. I took a call from a customer who was having trouble getting through
to HI-ED Sales and asked if I could assist him. I placed him on hold and
tried dialling the number myself. I must have dialled the wrong number
because I got a vacuum cleaner store. The sales person asked if I was
trying to reach Apple computer. I explained that I was. He told me he gets
calls like this all the time and asked if I needed a vacuum cleaner. I
declined the vacuum and explained that I was actually in Customer
Relations. He said, "Oh, well maybe you can help me. I want to get Mac OS
7.6, but I can't get my desktop to prove that I have 7.5.3."
5. I was contacted last night by a customer who was using a PowerBook 1400
with a TDK PC Card modem and Apple Internet Connection Kit. He kept
getting errors from the AICK software when trying to use the fax software.
The errors said that "The Modem is Not Responding" and "There is a Problem
With Your Modem." I asked him which slot he was using it in, and he said
it was still in the box he bough t it in. The caller said, "I wanted to
check that it was in fully working and that I could connect to the
Internet properly, before I broke the seal on the box."
6. Technician: A customer called with questions about an Apple IIGS. He
was at a telephone booth in front of a computer store. He wanted to know
if it was possible to connect a SCSI hard drive to an Apple IIGS. I
explained that installing an SCSI card would allow an external hard drive
to work with a IIGS. He stated that the store connected a hard drive with
numerous cables and that it didn't seem safe. He put the phone down and
ran into the store to ask what kind of drive it was. When he returned, he
told me that the drive was from a PC and that the cables were soldered
and taped to the II GS. I told him that I didn't think it would work. He
stretched the phone, so he could talk to the store rep and asked him to
turn on the IIGS. As soon as the rep turned the computer on, the customer
told him there was a spark, then yelled that there was smoke, and then
started yelling at the store rep to turn the computer off. I heard a loud
siren, lots of static, and was disconnected.
7. A customer contacted me because he was concerned that his son had
downloaded pornographic files from the Internet. He was afraid to open
the files himself in case he saw something disgusting, and wondered if I
would know what was in them from the titles. The files were: "Stuffit
Expander" and "Quick Time".
8. A customer called to say that he was waiting for a replacement Apple
Multiple Scan 15 Display. It was supposed to arrive that day but it
hadn't. He indicated that a FedEx truck had been hijacked by his house
and was convinced that his monitor was on it. The technician investigated
and determined that the monitor had not been shipped yet but that it was
backordered through the end of the following week. On being told this the
customer replied, "Thank God my monitor is on backorder". The technician
subsequently commented, "That's the first time I've heard of someone being
thankful that their monitor was on backorder."
[And Mac users are generally smarter than Windows users. Sigh. The
gene pool could use a little chlorination. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 1997 10:05:37 -0800
From: Jeff Meyer <moriarty@tc.fluke.com>
Subject: LAN Dogma and Theory 301
To: spaf@purdue.EDU
[Forwards deleted]
Given that there is a lot of discussion about whether or not our LAN
really does have a System Administrator, and given that no empirical
evidence of the existence or non-existence of the System Administrator
is extant, I thought it would be helpful to have a frank and open
discussion about the issues surrounding the concept.
Here are some popular arguments:
Argument from Design:
1. One looks at a simple computer, and sees evidence of
intelligent design
2. One looks at a Sun Sparc 20 and... um... well... Okay, One
looks at a DEC Alpha and sees evidence of intelligent design.
3. It is therefore likely that something created them.
4. One looks at the network and sees evidence of intelligent
design.
5. It is therefore likely that something created it. That
something is the System Administrator.
Counter-argument:
1. If you think the network implies intelligent design, you
haven't seen *our* network.
2. Even assuming this proves the existence of a System
Administrator, there's no evidence the System Administrator is
intelligent.
First Causes argument.
1. When my computer comes on, it is because I turned it on. My
computer cannot turn itself on.
2. When I turn my computer on and connect to the network, the
network is already there waiting for me.
3. I know I did not activate the network.
4. Therefore, something must have caused the network to exist.
5. That something could be the Router, but then what installed
the Router?
6. That something must be the System Administrator.
Counter-argument:
1. So what caused the System Administrator?
2. Still doesn't prove the System Administrator is intelligent.
The Argument from Popularity
1. Almost everyone believes that the System Administrator exists.
Those who don't believe He exists are in the minority.
2. Many respected people claim to have received email from Him.
3. In almost any company since the dawn of the Computer Age,
there has been some form of System Administrator myth.
4. Given the universality of the myths, it is unlikely that such
myths are not based on truth.
Counter-argument:
1. Most users are clueless morons who need to believe in the
Great Benevolent Super-User, and that He protects and watches
over their data.
2. So who's to say it's the System Admin that HR claims to have
hired? Why not Brian Kernighan or Cliff Stoll, or Zeus, or
Thor or any other such mythical creature?
The argument from Authority
1. Management insists that the System Administrator exists.
Specifically:
a. HR insists that they hired Him
b. Accounting claims to have PO's signed by Him
c. MIS has the The Big Book of Documentation, written by
Him or His disciples.
Counter-argument:
1. Since when has Management known what they were doing?
2. Using the Big Book of Documentation as proof that the BBoD was
written by the System Administrator is circular. It could be
a fabrication.
The Cartesian Argument
1. No user can create a more Super account than he himself
possesses.
2. No user can grant greater system privileges than he himself
possesses.
3. All users have heard of the root account, and that the root
account is omnipotent and possesses all privileges.
4. Since the concept of the root account is greater than the
accounts possessed by the users, the users cannot have created
the concept of the root account. Therefore the concept of the
root account must come from something that possesses those
privileges.
5. There is an entry for 'root' in /etc/passwd.
6. The root account can only have been created by the Super User,
the System Administrator.
Counter-argument:
1. Statement 1 is a dubious premise.
2. The existence of the root account is not proof that anyone
ever logs into that account.
2. Still doesn't prove that the System Admin is intelligent.
The ontological proof:
1. Given: The property of existence is more Super than the
property of non-existence.
2. The SysAdmin is defined as "a user, than which no more Super
user can be conceived"
3. No matter how great a Super User you can conceive which
possesses the property of non-existence, you can then add the
property of existence and make the Super User even more Super.
4. Therefore, the System Administrator exists.
Counter-argument:
1. Rests on a dubious definition of what is and is not Super.
2. The concept of a Super User is nowhere near analogous to the
Super User itself. I can conceive of something, but that's
only the concept of it, not the thing itself.
The Spinozist Argument
1. The System Administrator is defined as the most perfect user
possible.
2. The property of necessary existence means that anything which
possesses it must necessarily exist.
3. If existence is better than non-existence (see the ontological
proof), then necessary existence is better still.
4. Any perfect user must possess the property of necessary
existence.
5. Therefore the System Administrator must necessarily exist.
However:
6. Being perfect, the System Administrator cannot make mistakes,
delete the wrong account, trash the root directory, mess up a
tape load, etc.
7. Being perfect, the System Administrator can not be capable of
goal-directed action, because such action would imply that
the network is somehow less than perfect in its current state.
8. Therefore, the System Administrator is really more of a force of
nature within the system.
9. Arguably, then the System Administrator *is* the system itself.
Counter-argument:
1. None, since the System Administrator has been defined to the
point where it is a totally useless concept, there's no point
in arguing.
At least this resolves one of the major issues: the Spinozist argument
proves that *if* the System Administrator does exist, it cannot be
intelligent.
"Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst
elements of American life. Violence and committee
meetings."
-- George Will
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 97 16:48:05 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Lovecraft and Wodehouse, together again
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Dan Franklin <dan@copernicus.bbn.com>
[This is from Dave Langford's _Ansible_, which appears to be an e-fanzine.
This issue can be found at
http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Ansible/a101x.html:]
I thought I was joking when I invented a Wodehouse/Lovecraft novel opening
for Dave Wood's silly collaborations competition. _The Inimitable Cthulhu_,
of course:
`In the spring, Jeeves, a livelier iris gleams upon the burnished dove.'
`So I have been informed, sir.'
`Right ho! Then bring me my whangee, my yellowest shoes, and the old green
Homburg. I'm going into the Park to do nameless, blasphemous rites
descended from a shuddering and unhallowed tradition, amid shrieking,
slithering, torrential shadows of red viscous madness chasing one another
through endless, ensanguined corridors of purple fulgurous sky ... forests
of monstrous overnourished oaks with serpent roots twisting and sucking
unnameable juices from an earth verminous with millions of cannibal devils
.... insane lightning over malignant ivied walls and demon arcades choked
with fungous vegetation ... and then a snifter at the Drones, what?'
`I fancy not, sir. The Dark Priestess of the Esoteric Order of Dagon is in
the sitting-room and desires to speak to you.'
`Ia! Ia! Aunt Agatha!'
"... but little did I know that an erudite American, Peter Cannon, was
busily writing _Scream for Jeeves_ (New York, Wodecraft Press, 1994), a
slim collection which really does re-run Lovecraft staples like `The Rats
in the Walls' and `Cool Air' as Jeeves/Wooster larks -- the latter story
acquiring the well-judged Wodehousian title `Something Foetid'. (By the
way, my own favourite entry for that collaboration game began `He was one
hundred and seventy days dying and not yet dead. He fought for survival
with the passion of a beast in a trap. He was delirious and rotting, coming
downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind
Christopher Robin.' -- yes, it's the Bester/Milne _Tigger! Tigger!_) [4/95]"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 1997 08:20:27 -0600 (CST)
From: mandrews@EC.Ameritech.COM (Mike Andrews)
Subject: Mom used to use soap...
To: spaf
I *swear* that this is what I heard from the local news anchor on WBEZ,
Chicago's National Public Radio station this morning:
"Coming up on NPR's 'Morning Edition': The cleanup of Foul Mouth, Kentucky
on the banks of the Licking River."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 9 Mar 97 13:06:59 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Book of my Enemy
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: <joev@archtop.com>
Forwarded-by: Ted Bestor <tb13@cornell.edu>
Clive James (1939- )
The Book of my Enemy Has Been Remaindered
The book of my enemy has been remaindered
And I am pleased.
In vast quantities it has been remaindered
Like a van-load of counterfeit that has been seized
And sits in piles in a police warehouse,
My enemy's much-prized effort sits in piles
In the kind of bookshop where remaindering occurs.
Great, square stacks of rejected books and, between them, aisles
One passes down reflecting on life's vanities,
Pausing to remember all those thoughtful reviews
Lavished to no avail upon one's enemy's book --
For behold, here is that book
Among these ranks and banks of duds,
These ponderous and seemingly irreducible cairns
Of complete stiffs.
The book of my enemy has been remaindered
And I rejoice.
It has gone with bowed head like a defeated legion
Beneath the yoke.
What avail him now his awards and prizes,
The praise expended upon his meticulous technique,
His individual new voice?
Knocked into the middle of next week
His brainchild now consorts with the bad buys
The sinkers, clinkers, dogs, and dregs,
The Edsels of the world of moveable type,
The bummers that no amount of hype could shift,
The unbudgeable turkeys.
Yea, his slim volume with its understated wrapper
Bathes in the blare of the brightly jacketed Hitler's War Machine,
His unmistakably individual new voice
Shares the same scrapyard with a forlorn skyscraper
Of The Kung-Fu Cookbook,
His honesty, proclaimed by himself and believed by others,
His renowned abhorrence of all posturing and pretense,
Is there with Pertwee's Promenades and Pierrots--
One Hundred Years of Seaside Entertainment,
And (oh, this above all) his sensibility,
His sensibility and its hair-like filaments,
His delicate, quivering sensibility is now as one
With Barbara Windsor's Book of Boobs,
A volume graced by the descriptive rubric
"My boobs will give everyone hours of fun".
Soon now a book of mine could be remaindered also,
Though not to the monumental extent
In which the chastisement of remaindering has been meted out
To the book of my enemy,
Since in the case of my own book it will be due
To a miscalculated print run, a marketing error--
Nothing to do with merit.
But just supposing that such an event should hold
Some slight element of sadness, it will be offset
By the memory of this sweet moment.
Chill the champagne and polish the crystal goblets!
The book of my enemy has been remaindered
And I am glad.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 97 18:01:09 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Science of Everyday Life - CD Comparison
To: FuN_People@langston.com
[This reminds me of Don Knuth's paper on The Complexity of Song... I'll
try to dig it up (but if some Fun_Person just happens to have it on-line
somewhere, please send me a copy...) -psl]
Forwarded-by: "Travis J.I. Corcoran" <Travis-Corcoran@deshaw.com>
Subject: Chomsky Rings My Bell
http://www.salonmagazine.com/feb97/media/media2970217.html
A three-minute sample of Noam Chomsky's "Capital Rules" CD was analyzed.
It was compared to a three-minute sample of the popular disco song "Ring
My Bell." The results are as follows:
[Note: use a fixed-width font for this (courier)... -psl]
Chomsky Speech Ring My Bell
-------------- ------------
Number of "uhs" 34 0
"Uhs" per minute: 11.33 0
Number of "aaaaahs!" 0 7
"Aaaaas!" per minute: 0 2.33
References to "tyranny": 3 0
References to "transnational
corporate power": 1 0
References to slave trade: 1 0
Requests to "ring" speaker
and/or singer's "bell": 0 42
Uses of phrase "ring my bell
ding dong ring aaaah!" 0 3
Uses of phrase "ring my bell
ring a ling a ling push!" 0 2
Total number of references to good
things (including bell ringing): 0.5 56
Total number of references
to bad things: 29 2
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 1997 14:42:36 -0800
From: Fred Clegg <Fred.Clegg@mri.com>
Subject: What Cars Really Say
To: spaf
[ Obviously written by a BMW owner, since they're the only ones
not offended here. --F. ]
The Statements Car Owners are Really Making
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions
when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted
for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change
lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is
better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in
the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu
Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an
autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an
eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a
fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise
would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too
liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
inferior than Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 1997 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Where do deleted characters go?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Steve Fraser" <stevef@healthcare.com>
Forwarded-by: jar@storz.com (Alan Ritter)
From: rac (Raymond A. Cornejo)
QUESTION:
Where do the characters go when I use the backspace or delete key on my
PC?
ANSWER:
If you must know, the characters can go to different places, depending on
whom you ask:
1) The Catholic's approach to characters:
The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good. The
characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles are
soothed, and there's not a delete key, eraser, or white-out bottle in
sight. Most of the nice characters are A's and I's, those that have never
been, er, involved with other characters. Often, you'll see A's or I's
with N's or T's. These are characters in love: monogamous on the page,
together again after deletion. You'll see quite a few Q's too. They seem
to feel particularly guilty for no good reason.
The naughty characters are punished for their sins. In case you were
wondering what the difference between a nice character and a naughty
character is, I'll tell you. Naughty characters are those involved in
the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," "objectivity,"
and depending upon usage, words such as "feminism," "reproductive
freedom," "contraception," and "science." You may ask, and rightly so,
why the characters are blamed for the words they assemble, when in fact
they are not responsible for their own configuration. But we feel that
a character has an obligation to oppose any naughtiness in its own
configuration. If it truly felt guilty about the word it was forming, it
would rebel.
2) The Buddhist Explanation:
If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it
has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character.
Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become
numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters will become
upper-case, and the most righteous and good of letters will become C's.
Why C, you ask? Who knows, but C it is! If a character's karma is not
so good, then it will move down the above scale, ultimately becoming the
lowest of characters, a space.
3) The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:
Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of
meaningless nothingness. It doesn't really matter if they're on the page,
deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same. More characters
should delete themselves. (nihilist characters are easy to identify.
They're usually pale and tragic, and they smoke a lot.)
4) The Mac user's explanation:
All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight to PC
hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters,
because you're in PC hell also.
5) Stephen King's explanation:
Every time you hit the key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor,
who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood,
then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
6) Dave Barry's explanation:
The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where
they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so
flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable. I'm not making
any of this up.
7) IBM's explanation:
The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are
needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them.
Get a life.
8) Environmentalist's Explanation:
You've been DELETING them???? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why
don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!!!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Forwarded-by: "Steve Fraser" <stevef@healthcare.com>
Forwarded by jar@storz.com (Alan Ritter)
Created by swt@mail11.mitre.org (Steven W. Tavan)
Question: what happens to deleted characters?
The question to ask is not what happens to the characters when they are
deleted, rather, one must ask what happens to the individual who deletes
them. Was the deletion done for a holy purpose? Was the deletor
performing a mitzvah by way of said deletion? Was the world somehow
repaired (tikkun olam) by the deletion? And therein lies another matter
(od pa'am), what is the EFFECT of the deletion on the cosmos? If the
characters were previously arranged to spell out the holy name of the
Kadosh, Boruch Hu, the Holy One of Blessing (some would say Holy One,
Blessed is He), then that is a terrible thing, an averah, because one must
never destroy the name once it is written. Rather, one must bury the CRT,
with sufficient battery power to keep it illuminated until the coming of
Moshiach, in a proper Genizah (burial place) along with holy books and
scrolls which are no longer able to be used.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 1997 18:04:08 -0600
From: Werner Uhrig <werner@ddg.com>
Subject: Why God Never Received Tenure at any University
To: The Humour Mill <friends-of-wru@hipark.austin.isd.tenet.edu>
Why God Never Received Tenure at any University:
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true he created the world, but what has he done
since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating
his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use
human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by
drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them
from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the
Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a
mountain top.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------