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Yucks Digest V7 #19 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 23 Oct 97 Volume 7 : Issue 19
Today's Topics:
End of the World, Part 2
(Fwd) Mir & Win 95--jokes
[FWD] Bill Gates meets Satan. (Sad, but TRUE)
[rec.arts.books.tolkien] Re: What gets cut?
A Dutch Treat
Another Airline Story
A Novel Solution to the Urban Myth Spam Problem
A Rare Condition
Ayup.
Best Not do Yer Flyin' Boy!
cutie
Excerpted: 10/14/97 -- ShopTalk
FW: kinda funny
Here's one...
How kind of you, but no, thank you.
I Guess Truth Really Is Stranger Than Fiction After All... John Denver?
jokes 2 (fwd)
Look a little closer
Microsoft: Bras, Panties and Thongs
more from santa
More Musician Jokes
Posters of Naked Women Fail to Draw Real Naked Women to Dorm Room
Signature of the day
The Power of Prayer
Traveling vultures...
Welcome Aboard!
Yucks Digest V7 #18 (shorts)
santa says hello
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Oct 97 23:11:12 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: End of the World, Part 2
To: Fun_People@langston.com
From: Robert.Reynolds@directory.reed.edu (Robert Reynolds)
A year ago the BBC mentioned that the world, created (according to Bishop
Usher) on October 23, 4004 BC and destined to last 6000 years, should therefore
come to an end on October 23, 1996. They (and I in relaying this news to you)
forgot that there was no "year zero" and so were off by one.
[A number of people mentioned this last year, too... -psl]
October 23, 1997 will indeed be the 6000th birthday of the world (on this
model), and I urge everyone to make appropriaate preparations.
Meanwhile, apologies for last year's error.
[And let's see, on October 24th we can discuss how, since September, 1752
only had 19 days (unix users should run "% cal 9 1752"), then the 6000th
birthday should really be 11 days later, on November 3, 1997... and then ...
-psl]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 08:13:25 -0500
From: "Michael S Hines" <mshines@purdue.edu>
Subject: (Fwd) Mir & Win 95--jokes
To: spaf
Todd Ramsburg, another Mac lover:
Top Signs the New Mir Computer is Running Windows 95
by mike popovic <carpediem@locnet.com>
There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data.
Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA 900#.
Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite's
computers to keep their system running.
The Space Shuttle can no longer dock with Mir since "the proper
driver cannot be found"
The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life
support, the solar panels and thrusters at the same time.
The astronauts spend three days looking for cyrillic version of the
CTRL-ALT-DEL keys.
Alien ships secretly observing Mir flee in terror.
And the number one sign the new Mir computer is running Windows 95....
You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 22:37:50 -0500
From: nobody@zathras.ddg.com (by way of Werner)
Subject: [FWD] Bill Gates meets Satan. (Sad, but TRUE)
To: A Smirk is not a Smile <friends-of-wru@hipark.austin.isd.tenet.edu>
"Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates..."
"Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?"
"It's tiiiiime..."
"Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears
he'll wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change
the tile in the third-floor kitchen again, and..."
"Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not
to mention the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention
Steve Jobs' head on a platter."
"Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I..."
"Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates.
And today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me."
"Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan..."
"Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You're the richest man
in the world! You've got a beautiful wife and daughter!
Microsoft is the most powerful company on the planet! We're even
using NT to run hell's WAN server! And frankly, it sucks.
That's one of the reasons I've come to collect. If you can't get
my network to run right, you'll spend the afterlife writing
Windows applications that run on doorbells..."
"What's your alternative, Satan? Netware? AppleTalk? OS/2?
You're a funny guy for someone who breathes fire."
"Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to Java..."
"Java?!? Stop it, Satan. You're going to make me wet my pants
again like that time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share."
"Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle
databases with thin clients accessing the apps via the web
through Netscape Navigator."
"That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy tales
that scare children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually
being used to do anything except crash during demonstrations.
Look, Java is a nice little language for animating web sites, but
Shockwave after too many espressos isn't going to displace
Windows as an applications platform on hundreds of millions of PCs."
"Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be damned if
I'm going to give God a strategic technology advantage!"
"Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single word?"
"Interesting. Tell me more."
"Wait a minute. What's in it for me?"
"I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet right this second."
"Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable."
"Disable what?"
"Disable Java support in Internet Explorer."
"You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?"
"That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give
Netscape 50 bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn't buy the
company to merge Communicator with Lotus Notes."
"The Department of Justice will..."
"Will what? Punish me because I won't support a product my
enemies want to use to destroy my company? Chevrolet dealers
don't have to sell Fords. Pepsi's restaurants don't have to
offer Coke. Why does Microsoft have to support Java?"
"It's an industry standard..."
"It's an industry hallucination."
"There will be a public outcry..."
"From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They're up to
their nosehairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000.
To them, Java is still a cute word for coffee."
"What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?"
"Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload
market for browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to
half in two years. It's a safe bet most people will soon use IE
for web access. If they come to a site that doesn't work because
of Java, they'll simply jump to the next one. Trust me,
developers will switch to ActiveX faster than you can say
'Playstation.'"
"What about other platforms..."
"Like Intel has competition?"
"Interactive TV..."
"We call it WebTV in Redmond."
"Venture capitalists have invested billions..."
"To get a date with Kim Polese."
"Sun will write a plug-in..."
"Not without the hidden APIs."
"Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay."
"Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement..."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Oct 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: [rec.arts.books.tolkien] Re: What gets cut?
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Per Persson <pp@sno.pp.se>
Forwarded-by: ig25@fg70.rz.uni-karlsruhe.de (Thomas Koenig)
From: dsalo@usa.net (David Salo)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien
metzler@oddjob.uchicago.edu (Chris Metzler) wrote:
> So the question is, what *do* you cover?
> And what gets cut?
TO: Miramax Studios
FROM: Storyline Editor
RE: "Lord of Rings" story
Ok, Jack -- I read this grossly oversized book, and I think we can
handle it, but we have got to slim-n-trim this one big time to get it
into our 2:07 frame. Luckily, 2/3 of this book is just dead weight.
Proposed cuts:
Merry and Pippin, or at least one of them. Too easy to confuse. Too
many Hobbits.
Sam. Sure, he's got the supporting role, but isn't Frodo's lone
struggle against impossible odds twice as heroic without him?
Faramir. Wussy, non-heroic character- all he does is to get shot and
lie around in agony. A waste of scenes. Better to keep Boromir alive, use
him in later scenes.
Imrahil. Who cares?
Saruman. Needless duplication of a villain.
Kingdom of Rohan & its inhabitants. Needless duplication of a kingdom.
Ents. Talking trees? Makes me think of 'The Wizard of Oz'.
Nine Black Riders. Reduce to three.
Some general critiques:
Dividing up the plot into two lines after they come down the Big River.
No good. Keep the plot straight, have them all go to Minas Tirith, then
all go to Mordor.
This reverse-psychology business with the Ring -- no good. Confuses the
audience. Suggest new ending: Frodo _takes_ the ring, then fights duel
with Sauron. Big fight on Mount Doom. Sauron blasts him with electric
bolts from his fingertips. Frodo lies dying on the mountain. Suddenly the
Chief Nazgul says 'I am your father, Frodo,' picks up Sauron and throws him
down the volcano. Big eruption. Segue to final ceremony scene. Whaddaya
think?
P.S. Can we get some submachine guns in this story? Maybe studded with
spikes all over to give them a medieval look?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 97 12:39:56 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: A Dutch Treat
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@peak.org>
Forwarded-by: Guenther Stotzky <stotzky@is2.nyu.edu>
Forwarded-by: David Pramer <PRAMER@ORSP.Rutgers.edu>
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of
Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it gets closer to dusk and the old streets
start getting darker, the two girls start riding faster, looking more and
more flustered and out of breath, when one girl leans over to the other and
says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Oct 97 00:12:42 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Another Airline Story
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Ladysmyth@aol.com
From: Rhonda Wenner
I was at a conference in PA lately and at lunch we were discussing travel
and specifically planes. One guy said he got on a plane, it pulled away
from the ramp, started down the runway and the pilot shut down the engines.
They taxied back to the ramp, the front door opened and after an hour of
waiting they took off again. He asked the flight attendant what happened.
She replied that the pilot heard a noise in the engine so they went back
and got a new pilot
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Oct 1997 09:48:25 -0400 (EDT)
From: Larry Auton <lda@control.att.com>
Subject: A Novel Solution to the Urban Myth Spam Problem
To: spaf
> Date: Fri, 31 Jan 97 15:42:06 -0800
> From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
> Subject: A Novel Solution to the Urban Myth Spam Problem
> To: Fun_People@langston.com
>
> From: nmss!Wendell_Bishop@uunet.uu.net
>
> In an effort to put some measure of control on the propagation of urban
> myths, etc, I propose that all email systems be modified so as to delete
> one word at random from each forwarded message. In most cases, there will
> be no loss of information through perhaps the first dozen forwardings. In
> some cases, I suspect the information content would actually improve.
> Eventually, the intelligibility should degrade to the point that the message
> is no longer worth forwarding. Or as the ultimate restraint on unbridled
> forwarding, it would eventually
>
Wouldn't this interfere with Yucks...
A [] walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't [] here, get out of my bar."
The [] replies, "In that case, you should [] my mother in law."
and business news...
"In a shocking turn on Wall Street [] is falling rapidly, already losing
more than half its share value. The slide shows no sign of letting up."
and in reports of criminal trials verdicts:
"O.J. is [] guilty."
Hmmm, maybe we could get juries to deliver verdicts to the judge via e-mail?
It might be worth the trade ...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Oct 97 00:26:11 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: A Rare Condition
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Irene A. Mystery" <LadyHawke@Unforgettable.com>
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was
delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned
and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician
examined him and explained that, thought rare, his condition could be
corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the
doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for
surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches?" the
surprised doctor asked. "Well, yes," the woman said nervously, "You are
going to lengthen his legs, aren't you? "
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Oct 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Ayup.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Scott Patrick <transplex@pol.net>
I think it's wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The other morning, my wife and I were watching "Good Morning America" when
the host gave a 'teaser' for the next story just before the commercial.
What he said was:
"Coming up on 'Good Morning America', Is the internet safe? Gangs on the
World Wide Web."
I turned to my wife and said, "DUCK! It's a drive-by downloading!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Well, Chinese the world over have begun celebrating the new year.
It's now the Year of the Ox. Although most of us will probably forget
and still date our checks the Year of the Rat.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 11:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Best Not do Yer Flyin' Boy!
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
He's been everywhere -- from Rocky Mountain High to Rocky Monterey Bay.
Looks like John Denver has another hit.
I'm told that John Denver was a plane down to earth kinda guy.
What were the two design flaws that plagued John Denver's experimental plane?
It wouldn't fly and it wouldn't float.
John Denver's new song?
Thank God I'm a country buoy.
Denver's new lyrics:
Sunshine on the water makes me nosedive.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Oct 1997 06:32 EDT
From: Lindsay Cleveland <lindsay@dscatl.atl.ga.us>
Subject: cutie
To: <spaf>
Contributed by: HAND![SMTP:smiles@vivid.net]
The Nasty Doctor....
"Doc, am I getting better?"
'I don't know - let me feel your purse. Next.'
"Doc, is it a boy?"
'Well, the one in the middle is. Next.'
"Doc, my child just swallowed a pen. What should I do?"
'Use a pencil, Next.'
"Doc, every bone in my body hurts."
'Be glad you're not a herring. Next'
"Doc, you're charging me ten dollars and all you did was paint my
throat."
'What did you expect for ten dollars - wallpaper?" 'Next'
"Doc, what should I do if my temperature goes up another point?"
'Sell! Next.'
"Doc, how can I avoid falling hair?"
'Step to one side. Next.'
"Doc, I just wanted to let you know that there is an invisible man in
your waiting room"
'Tell him I can't see him now. Next'
"Doc, am I going to die?"
'That's the last thing you're going to do, Next'
"Doc, this ointment you gave me makes my arm smart."
'Why not rub some on your head? Next.'
"Doc, I think I've developed a split personality."
'Okay, go chase yourself. Next'
"Doc, nobody ever listens to me."
"Next"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Oct 1997 11:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Excerpted: 10/14/97 -- ShopTalk
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Laura Mancuso <Lmancus@aol.com>
"Looks like there might be a break in the case of that missing armored-car
driver in North Carolina who disappeared last week with $15 million. Today
the White House turned over a videotape of the guy at a truck stop having
coffee with President Clinton." (Steve Voldseth)
"A bottle of Mouton Lafitte Rothschild sold at auction for $80,000. It is
one of the oldest unopened bottles of champagne in existence," says Argus
Hamilton. "It was discovered in storage in the Chicago Cubs locker room."
Some sad news if you're an auto enthusiast. Chevrolet is phasing out the
Geo line of cars. But the good news is, the Geo Metro will still be
available at Toys-R-Us." (Jay Leno)
"Depositions in the Bill Clinton sex harassment suit continue. Before
she goes to the stand, Paula Jones's lawyers will make sure she
understands her rights. Book, movie, endorsement, television." (Alan Ray)
"Home Improvement" star Tim Allen will be paid $1.25 million per episode
in his ninth year on the show. Says Argus Hamilton: "From now on, he'll
be buying all his tools from the Pentagon."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Oct 1997 09:11:37 -0400
From: Larry Riegel <llr@chesco.com
Subject: FW: kinda funny
To: "'Eugene Spafford (Spaf)'" <spaf
Excerpt from a recent live radio interview on one of the regional Welsh
stations:
A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a Youth club:
Interviewer: So, Mr Jones, what are you going to do with these children
on this adventure holiday?
Jones: We're going to teach them climbing, abseiling, canoeing,
archery, shooting...
Interviewer: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?
Jones: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range.
Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity
to be teaching children?
Jones: I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
Interviewer: But your equipping them to become violent killers.
Jones: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are
you?
Needless to say, the interview was terminated almost immediately.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Oct 1997 11:49:55 -0700
From: "Ric Forrester" <ric@visigenic.com>
Subject: Here's one...
To: ric@visigenic.com
Did you hear that Neil Sedaka recently sang a dedication to John Denver?
Yup, you guessed it. "Breaking up is hard to do...."
(Courtesy of Mike Pechner)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Oct 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: How kind of you, but no, thank you.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Margo Seltzer <margo@eecs.harvard.edu>
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I used to wonder why my cat never ate the mice
she caught until it finally dawned on me: She was trying to recompense
me for feeding her.
I read that cats are inclined atavistically to form groups with
this food-sharing etiquette. It seems like she's doing some feline
duty, sharing her food when she's given the rare opportunity to be a
provider (she's a housecat).
Do you think she expects me to eat the mouse? Or perhaps to eat it
and share it with her? Do you think it hurts her feelings that I just
throw out her gift? Am I being rude? Is there a way to acknowledge the
gift without having to eat it?
GENTLE READER: Oh, it's going to be one of those days, is it?
Miss Manners hates anthropomorphic questions. If she so much as
hints that there might be different standards of behavior for people
and animals, she is flooded with letters from insulted pet owners who
tell her about the politeness and sensitivity of the animal members of
their families.
Fine. But you still don't ask them to set the table or pass the
hors d'oeuvres, do you?
In an attempt to head this off, Miss Manners will play along,
ignore the distinction (which is probably a huge mistake), and recite
the human etiquette rule. That rule is that although you can offer a
present of food, you cannot insist that the person consume it. So,
your obligations to your cat's hospitable feelings are met when you
say, "How kind of you, but no, thank you."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 Oct 97 12:19:12 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: I Guess Truth Really Is Stranger Than Fiction After All... John Denver?
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[Form someone at M.I.T. in response to a question about where John Denver
was born... (don't miss the postscript!) -psl]
From: David Gingold <gingold@rpcp.mit.edu>
Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 11:13:02 -0400
Subject: Not Colorodo, but in fact...
New Mexico. Roswell, New Mexico, to be exact, and only three years
before the "incident," is where Henry John Deutschendorf Jr., who we
know as John Denver, was born. This is no joke; it was reported in
the New York Times just this week. He was a member of the National
Space Board. He starred in a Major Motion Picture as a man who was
selected to deliver the word of "God" to the human race. He died
flying his experimental "aircraft."
Why did it take us so long to notice?
-dg
P.S. -- It is well known that many extraterrestrial beings have
substance abuse problems.
[For instance, I have troubles with chocolate. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 1997 16:10:07 +0000
From: Duncan McAlpine <mcalpin@eskimo.com>
Subject: jokes 2 (fwd)
To: yucks
Three old ladies, looking like road maps in swimming costumes, go to
the swimming baths. The life guard thinks he has his work cut out, and
prepares for action. The first little old lady dives in and does 30
lengths, and jumps out of the pool. The life guard says, "That's
impressive!" and the little old lady says, "I was swimming for my
country before you were born!" Second little old lady dives in and 50
lengths later, crawls out of the pool. "Before you start young man, I
was Olympic breaststroke champion in 1948." They then turn around and
help the oldest little old lady (who looks like Tutankahmen's mummy)
into the pool. She does 150 laps and staggers out of the pool. "And
what country did you swim for?" says the life guard. The little old
lady smiled and said, "I used to be a hooker in Venice."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 10:20:52 -0400
From: Steve Chapin <chapin@cs.virginia.edu>
Subject: Look a little closer
To: spaf
>From an advertising card all faculty here (including males) received:
"If you think all OB/GYNs are the same you should look a little
closer."
Ahem. At what?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Oct 1997 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Microsoft: Bras, Panties and Thongs
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen@substance.abuse.blackdown.org
Forwarded-by: Ronan Waide <waider@autodealing.com>
Forwarded-by: "Some Guy who'd rather be anonymous"
The following was in Computergram today too:
ASDA GETS MICROSOFT "KNICKERS IN A TWIST"
Microsoft Corp's busy legal team took time off from working out their
defense to Sun Microsystems Inc's Java suit and got their "knickers in a
twist" over a range of women's underwear. Red-faced Microsoft executives
were outraged when they discovered that UK supermarket group Asda was
calling a range of bras, panties and thongs "microsoft." The software
giant demanded that Asda remove the name from its own range of "software"
because the public might get "confused." Asda chose microsoft, according
to the Financial Times, because the fabric name polyamide elastane lycra,
was a bit of a mouthful for its customers. Now Asda is refusing to drop
its microsoft knickers -- though it has promised only to use the microsoft
name in connection with women's underwear.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 Oct 1997 22:49:24 -0400 (EDT)
From: Santasam@aol.com
Subject: more from santa
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
A new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus!
Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around
here."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Oct 97 18:57:54 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: More Musician Jokes
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: David Ward <djw@bitsmart.com>
Forwarded-by: stvmarsh@ix.netcom.com <stvmarsh@ix.netcom.com>
Q: What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream.
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to
play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in,
approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there
and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies
"OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
Q: What do 4 drum sets sound like at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good idea!
Q: What kind of calender does a trombonist use for his gigs?
A: Year-at-a-Glance
Q: What do you call a accordionist with a beeper?
A: An optimist.
Q: What's the least used sentence in the English language?
A: "Look at that mandolin player's Cadillac!"
Q: Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
A: There's no place to hide your drugs.
Q: What is the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?
A: The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.
Kenny G gets on an elevator and says "Wow! This rocks!"
Q: What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
A1: Vibrato.
A2: The exhaust.
You may be a redneck saxophonist if...
..you have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.
..you spell it "saxaphone."
..you think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck
during a gig.
..the gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buesher sopranos.
..you think that Boots Randolph is the greatest Jazz musician who ever lived.
Q: How do you make a double bass play in-tune?
A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
A: He had to break the window to get the drummer out!
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's a string quartet?
A: A good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates
violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
Q: What's glissando?
A: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Q: What does "subito piano" mean:
A: It indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a
soloist.
Q: What does "senza sordino" mean:
A: It's a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a
few measures back.
Q: What's a half step?
A: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Oct 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Posters of Naked Women Fail to Draw Real Naked Women to Dorm Room
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Jeff Moore <jbm@instinet.com>
"Posters of Naked Women Fail to Draw Real Naked Women to Dorm Room"
The Onion, October 8, 1997.
MANHATTAN, KS--A trio of posters depicting scantily clad women,
hung recently in a Kansas State University dorm room, have been found to
have "little to no effect" in facilitating the presence of actual naked
women in that room, reported a Kansas State housing department study
released Monday.
The posters, printed by alcoholic-beverage manufacturers as promotional
items, were intended to establish a fun, party-like atmosphere, in which
the presence of naked women would be suggested and encouraged. Their
actual effect, however, was "minimal if not entirely nonexistent," the
study found.
"Our thinking was that these posters would set a tone," freshman Chad
Durham said. "We enjoy beer here in Selham Hall West room 508, and we
share an equally enthusiastic interest in naked women. We thought that by
combining these two elements via these posters, we would establish not
only a mood of beer-drinking fun, but also one of casual female nudity or
semi-nudity."
"The idea was to create an environment in which attractive women would
find themselves comfortable and at ease, not only drinking beer, but also
simply being naked," Durham added. "We also sort of hoped that they might
have sex with us."
"None of these things have happened," Durham added. "It would appear that
our conclusions were completely unfounded."
The housing department report, compiled over the course of three weeks
spent monitoring the dorm room and its immediate surroundings,
categorically concluded that "there exists no measurable cause-and-effect
relationship between the presence of the naked-women posters and the
willingness of non-photographic human women to appear naked at or near
that location."
The study went on to report no notable relationship between the number of
naked women in the room before and after the decision to acquire the
posters, other than the fact that in both cases the number was zero.
"I can't understand it," roommate and hotel-management major Kurt Beem
said. "We had it all planned out. I just can't see where we went wrong.
Perhaps we need to know more about women in general, clothed and unclothed
alike, before we can accurately affect and predict the behavior of the
nude ones, specifically."
Surprisingly, the study did find the posters to have a significant effect
on alcohol purchase, causing a notable rise in the roommates' consumption
of the alcoholic beverages advertised by the posters, including a 35
percent sales increase for the wine cooler associated with the poster
featuring the largest-breasted model.
One reason for the roommates' initial optimism regarding the poster
project was the earlier success they had had with other, differently
themed posters.
"Everybody liked the Miller Lite poster and the Bud Dry neon sign, and
they did in fact seem to be successful in establishing and facilitating a
bar-like, drinking-oriented dorm interior," Beem said.
"Similarly encouraging results seemed evident after our decision to
display our 'Rockin' USA' poster, which depicted a guitar rocketing into
the air with an American flag in the background," Beem added, noting that
the poster had indeed made the place seem, overall, "more rockin'."
"Unfortunately, the strategy does not seem to have any effect on
glamorous, product-endorsing models," Beem said. "In fact, the only effect
of the posters so far has been that we tend to get real horned up when we
look at them. Jesus Christ Almighty, get a load of that rack. Man!"
[Science marches on. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 10:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Signature of the day
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
I am Robert Billing, Christian, inventor, traveller, cook and animal
lover, I live near 0:46W 51:22N. http://www.tnglwood.demon.co.uk/
"Bother," said Pooh, "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock
phasers on the Heffalump, Piglet, meet me in transporter room three"
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 97 19:43:13 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Power of Prayer
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: <joev@archtop.com>
Forwarded-by: "Barbara Ballard" <bballard@coup.wednet.edu>
A man decided that it was time to teach his son how to say prayers, so he
spent a few nights teaching his son the basics. As a final touch, the
father instructed him that after he was done with the prayers each night,
he was to choose someone special and ask for God's blessing for that person.
Well, little kids don't always realize that their pets aren't people, so
the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with "And God,
please bless my puppy." The guy thought that it was pretty cute. However,
the next morning the little dog ran out the door and was killed by a car.
That night the little kid asked God to bless his cat when the prayers were
finished. And, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out and took
on the biggest dog in the neighborhood and became breakfast. The father
wondered about a connection, but decided that it was just coincidence.
But when the kid asked God to bless his goldfish, the father couldn't wait
for morning so that he could check up on it. As soon as he looked in the
bowl, he saw the fish floating upside down on the top.
That night the little kid ended with "God, please give an extra special
blessing to my father." The father couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat
breakfast in the morning. He was afraid to drive to work. He couldn't get
any work done because he was petrified. Finally quitting time came and he
walked home, expecting to drop dead any minute.
When he arrived home, the house was a mess. His wife was lying on the couch
smoking a cigarette, still dressed in her robe. The dishes from breakfast
were still on the table and the father was furious. He started yelling,
saying that he had had the worst day of his life and she hadn't even gotten
dressed. She looked at him and said, "Shut up! My day was worse. The
mailman had a heart attack on our front porch!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Oct 97 23:41:55 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Traveling vultures...
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Charlotte C. & Samuel M. Rice" <smrmd@nauticom.net>
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the
trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their
baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No,
thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 Oct 97 23:35:04 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Welcome Aboard!
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Matthew Kleinosky <mkleinosky@bigfoot.com>
Forwarded-by: Paul Carpenter <pcarpent@eis1.eis.com.eg>
Forwarded-by: "David V. Keyes" <DVKeyes@compuserve.com>
Airplane Anecdotes
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the
hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault.
It was the asphalt."
===================================================
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a
smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane.
She approached and asked, comspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"
===================================================
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are traveling with two small children, decide now which you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
===================================================
United Airlines PA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully
aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines
we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful
as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that
shifted during our so called "touch down."
===================================================
About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during final that
the Captain really had to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 Oct 1997 10:16:16 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Mitchell L. Silverman" <msilverm@lawsun.law.fsu.edu>
Subject: Yucks Digest V7 #18 (shorts)
To: Gene Chief Yuckster Spafford <spaf>
Dear Dr. Spafford,
I personally think that *you*, sir, deserve an IgNobel, for proving the
assertion Dave Barry makes in the .sig below (as well as other services to
the Net sacred and profane). Don't get me wrong -- I am a happy,
satisfied, laughing Yucks subscriber. I just think you deserve an
exploding cigar.
Feel free to put this into Yucks, so all your readers can write to the
IgNobel committee on your behalf.
YHOS,
Mitch
P.S. I'd *love* to get my hands on that "Sex at Four Degrees
Kelvin" pamphlet," or, alternatively, to see its contents appear in Yucks.
(Might even try to arrange it.)
Mitchell L. Silverman | [The] Internet is an international network
3L, FSU College of Law | of tens of thousands of computer users who
msilverm@law.fsu.edu | are constantly using their combined
http: | brainpower to think up fantastically
//www.sar.usf.edu/ | innovative ways to waste time.
~silverma | - Dave Barry (1/29/95)
[If nominated, I will attend. If given an award, I promise not to
inhale. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Oct 97 13:59:00 EST
From: Richard Murnane x2175 <richardm@atrium1.advance.com.au>
To: "'spaf'" <spaf>
[Heard years ago in Ireland, when it was still rare to own a car]
Heard in a dance hall, towards the end of the evening:
He: Can I drive you home?
She: Oh! Do you have a car?
He: No, but I have a big whip!
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 Oct 1997 22:48:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Santasam@aol.com
Subject: santa says hello
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients
behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his
bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not
unlike a Kenworth.
"Vrroooom, vrrroooomm... Screeeech....."
"What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking this road train
down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker. Somewhat taken aback but not
to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some
very energetic activity going on underneath the covers.
On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the
mattress.
"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well,"
pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife."
This little 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how
his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my God! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!"
says the mom.
Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your
son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I
had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't
think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen,
right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna
take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike
in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.
The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."
Two old swagmen were arguing about who had the better dog.
"Well," said one, "My dog is the best. He wakes up every morning at sun
rise, collects some firewood, picks up my billy, goes to the creek,
fills the billy, comes back, lights a fire, makes me some tea and boils
me an egg."
"That's nothing", says the other, "My dog gets up at sunrise, collects
some firewood, starts the fire, picks up my billy, goes to the creek,
fills the billy, comes back, makes me a cup of tea, boils me an egg and
then he stands on his head."
The other swagman starts pissing himself laughing, "Stands on his
head?!!?!? Why on earth does he stand on his head?"
"Because I don't have an egg cup."
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was
walking by and said, "Wow! What a goddamn fish!" The Sister said, "Sir,
you shouldn't talk to me like that. I'm a nun." The man said, "But
that's the name of it - a "Goddamn Fish".
The Sister took the fish back to the rectory and said, "Mother Superior,
look at the goddamn fish I caught." The Mother Superior said, "Sister,
you shouldn't talk like that!" The Sister said, "But Mother Superior,
that's the name of it - a goddamn fish". So the Mother Superior said,
"Well, give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish the Monsignor walked in and she said,
"Monsignor, look at the goddamn fish that the Sister caught." The
Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!" The
Mother Superior said, "But that's the name of it - a goddamn fish". The
Monsignor said, "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it".
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said,
"Wow, what a nice fish". And the Sister said, "I caught the goddamn
fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the
Monsignor said, "I cooked the goddamn fish".
And the new priest said, "I like this fucking place already!"
[For some reason, the Catholics I tell this one to seem to find it
hysterical. --spaf]
[This next one takes a little effort to get to the end, but don't
skip ahead -- it's a beaut. --spaf]
There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning
he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a
nearby lake. He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice
in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the
icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and
slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out
without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road. He
took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking
for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo
pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor
of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his
daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a
wealthy man." "Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little
short of cash, perhaps you could help me out" "Certainly" says the
girl's father and he pulls out his wallet. "Oh dear" says the father, "I
don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home
with me and I'll get more from the safe" "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why
ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be
plenty". "Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do
with your money?" "Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest
in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday." "Well good
luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his
chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes
to the town, to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in
- much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have
one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl
at the desk, forcing a smile "Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the
tramp. "Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars" "TEN DOLLARS!! You'll *never* get
a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously. "Oh dear" said
the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably
never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?" "Well I
don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check" The girl goes into the
back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers
she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file. "Well
you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've
got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class
round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars" "Yippee", exclaims
the tramp, "I'll take it" The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering
his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port
where the ship is waiting.
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the
most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking
ocean- going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good
fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the
gangplank. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate
captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the
dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper,
ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" Hardly believeing his
eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp
is correct. "Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on
just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back
at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds
himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he
falls asleep. "Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the
captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin" The
tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and
onto the ship - and what a ship! The tramp had *never* in his wildest
dreams imagined luxury like this. First they went down though the first
class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every
wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a
new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above,
but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep. and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th
class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's
quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally,
at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain
opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a
bedside table, and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp,
"A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it" replies the captain,
"but there is one more thing..." "Your class of ticket only allows you
to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other
passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your
cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by
day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon
shooting, more food than he'd ever seen... Then one morning, a week or
so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board
of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go
below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced,
and dived.... ...and what a dive...! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit
the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain -
who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching
this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to
dive like that?" "Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the
tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen
...."> He broke off. "Hey, I've an idea", he started again. "How would
you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other
passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices
like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways
axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came
to talk. "O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days.
We're going to erect a high diving board for you." "O.K." agreed the
tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming
with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain
had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore
these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp
turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye could see,
towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. "Well tramp" said
the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with
that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to
climb....
up and up ....
up and up ...higher and higher ...
. below him the ship grew smaller ....
up and up ....
on and on ....
past a solitary albatross ....
and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ....
on and on still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself
began to shrink....
and higher, ever higher ....
on and on .....
past our moon ....
and on ....
and mars ....
and on ....
higher, and higher , through the asteroid belt, and on and on towards
the diving board, ... past the outer planets, until... ... finally
...... on the outermost reaches of the Solar System ... ... he reached
the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and he jumped . . slowly
at first but speeding up faster, and faster speeding past Pluto and the
other outer planets through the asteroid belts past Mars, and the moon,
faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was
growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster...past the albatross, faster double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he
posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained
their necks, "I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!" The tramp
streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove... NOT
A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE
POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL
OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN...! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL..........
SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he
swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping.... Out
of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng
wild with acclaim. HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT! And
handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the
crowd. "Well tramp, I have *NEVER* seen anything like that, *EVER*. That
was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen" The tramp
blushed. The captain went on: "But tell me; most amazing of all is how
you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do
it." And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied
modestly:
"Well you see.....
.I'm a poor tramp....
.so you must understand ....
I've been through many a hardship in my life"
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------