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Yucks Digest V7 #21 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 4 Nov 97 Volume 7 : Issue 21
Today's Topics:
'Geekonics' Is Just a Beginning
... and we may as well start building fires with rocks again.
Changing a Virtual Light Bulb
Dust Off Your Funny Bone
Fwd: VPPO
God bless us, every one.
Have you ever sent email? You will.
HMO FAQ
I've Met Jesus Twice.
IF - not by Rudyard Kipling
If I'm gonna be impotent, I'm gonna *look* impotent.
I just thought you might like this one...
John Denver Tribute - yucks contribution
Joke
Jokes...
Managed Caring (R)
PLEASE CONFIRM THIS.
QOTD
QOTD - 1/15/97 - H. L. Mencken
Quote of the day
There's a newsgroup for every need.
Warning Labels for Common Products
Wooden Ships and Iron Men
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
zen for stupid people (from VooDoo)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 97 17:55:21 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: 'Geekonics' Is Just a Beginning
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <peak.org!doylej@orange.metron.com>
Forwarded-by: dave_wolf@om.cv.hp.com
*******************************
'GEEKONICS' IS JUST A BEGINNING
by John Woestendiek
Philadelphia Inquirer
Wed., January 8, 1997
*****************************
NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who have
grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, Calif.,
has officially designated computer English, or "Geekonics", as a second
language.
The historic vote on Geekonics - a combination of the word "geek" and the
word "phonics" - came just weeks after the Oakland school board recognized
black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language.
"This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy" Macintosh,
chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board became the
first in the nation to recognize Geekonics.
"No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during a
celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close to
smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process the
data we need to interface with all units of humanity."
Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement was spawned
in California's Silicon Valley, where many children have grown up in
households headed by computer technicians, programmers, engineers and
scientists who have lost ability to speak plain English and have
inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular to their children.
HELPING THE TRANSITION
While schools will not teach the language, increased teacher awareness of
Geekonics, proponents say, will help children make the transition to
standard English. Those students, in turn, could possibly help their parents
learn to speak in a manner that would lead listeners to believe that they
have actual blood coursing through their veins.
"Bit by bit, byte by byte, with the proper system development, with
nonpreemptive multitasking, I see no reason why we can't download the data
we need to modulate our oral output," Macintosh said.
The designation of Ebonics and Geekonics as languages reflects a growing
awareness of our nation's lingual diversity, experts say.
Other groups pushing for their own languages and/or vernaculars to be
declared official viewed the Geekonics vote as a step in the right
direction.
"This is just, like, OK, you know, the most totally kewl thing, like, ever,"
said Jennifer Notat-Albright, chairwoman of the Committee for the
Advancement of Valleyonics, headquartered in Southern California. "I mean,
like, you know?" she added.
THEY'RE HAPPY IN DIXIE
"Yeee-hah," said Buford "Kudzu" Davis, president of the Dixionics Coalition.
"Y'all gotta know I'm as happy as a tick on a sleeping bloodhound about this."
Spokesmen for several subchapters of Dixionics - including Alabonics,
Tennesonics and Louisionics - also said they approved of the decision.
Bill Flack, public information officer for the Blue Ribbon Task Force on
Bureaucratonics said that his organization would not comment on the San Jose
vote until it convened a summit meeting, studied the impact, assessed the
feasibility, finalized a report and drafted a comprehensive action plan,
which, once it clears the appropriate subcommittees and is voted on, will
be made public to those who submit the proper information-request forms.
Proponents of Ebonics heartily endorsed the designation of Geekonics as an
official language.
"I ain't got no problem wif it," said Earl E. Byrd, president of the Ebonics
Institute. "You ever try talkin' wif wunna dem computer dudes? Don't matter
if it be a white computer dude or a black computer dude; it's like you be
talkin' to a robot - RAM, DOS, undelete, MegaHertZ. Ain't nobody
understands. But dey keep talkin' anyway. 'Sup wif dat?"
Those involved in the lingual diversity movement believe that only by
enacting many different English languages, in addition to all the foreign
ones practiced here, can we all end up happily speaking the same boring one,
becoming a nation that is both unified in its diversity, and diversified in
its unity.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Nov 1997 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: ... and we may as well start building fires with rocks again.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen@substance.abuse.blackdown.org
Forwarded-by: "Per Hammer" <phammer@raleigh.ibm.com>
In University, we coined a universal reply to all questions relating to
the behaviour, or mis-behaviour, of our software. Whenever anyone asked
why we'd implemented a particular feature in a particular way, we put it
down to "Arbitrary Microsoft design decisions".
Since then, the "Arbitrary Microsoft design decision" has come to be the
accepted explanation of any crash, bug, or program behaviour that seems
to "just happen" for no apparent reason.
Judging by Brian (code-god at id Software) Hook's .plan file, he's
experiencing the same arbitrary Microsoft design decisions --
October 9, 1997
------------------
I do not comprehend Microsoft's inability to write
software that just works.
Here is the latest in my epic saga of "How to Write
Software When Your Tools are Written By Complete
Idiots". The sad part is that I know a lot of really
competent and smart people at Microsoft, yet I guess
their code never makes it into production software.
Or something like that.
So why am I griping? Dig upon this scenario:
Given two identical machines (Intergraph Realizm
workstations, identical driver sets, both dual
PPro/200s and 128MB of RAM, both running WinNT 4 with
SP3), and given two IDENTICAL installations of MSVC 5
(w/ SP2), and given that both grab an ENTIRE directory
of source code (including all relevant project and
workspace files) from a central directory, and both do
complete rebuilds without touching any compiler options,
given ALL this, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD THEY GENERATE
DIFFERENT EXECUTABLES? Different sizes, and in many
cases different behaviour.
If I build Quake2 on my machine using the "release build",
the DLLs and EXEs generated work just fine. If either Cash
or Carmack do the same thing, they get fucked up, bizarre
shit like weird spinning worlds and other randomly
bizarre stuff.
Did I mention this is with the same basic hardware on
everyone's machine? And the same OS? And the same
compiler? And the same project file? And the same
workspace files? Cash went so far as to format his hard
drive and reinstall everything from scratch, and he's
getting the same problems. Where are these magic
compiler options being stored -- in the Flash BIOS?!
Or maybe I have magic compiler options being stored
in my registry... and in that case, well, civilization
is doomed and we may as well start building fires with
rocks again.
It's like the programmers at Microsoft have neither
pride nor common sense.
All right, I'll shut up now, since if I say how I REALLY
feel I'll probably piss off even more people.
http://finger.planetquake.com/qfplan.asp?id=bwh
[Why is this in Yucks? Because I found it funny that someone
would expect the code to behave logically! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 01 Nov 1997 04:27:15 GMT
From: bertha@polly.mhn.org (That Funky Chick)
Subject: Changing a Virtual Light Bulb
To: spaf
Seen making the rounds of mailing lists and newsgroups, so you may already
have gotten this in Yucks:
Q: How many mailing list subcribers does it take
to change a light
bulb?
A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the
list that the light
bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light
bulbs and
how the light bulb could have been changed
differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light
bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts
about changing
light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator
complaining about the light
bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this
mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar
flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light
bulbs and to please
take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be
stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying
that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to
this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light
bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light
bulbs work best
for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly,
and to post
corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs
that
are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
relevant to this
list.
33 to summarize all posts to date, then quote
them including
all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are
unsubscribing because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb
FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what
alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,
leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
[And some people still ask why I dropped out of Usenet. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 06 Jan 1997 17:28:59 +0000
From: Duncan McAlpine <mcalpin@eskimo.com>
Subject: Dust Off Your Funny Bone
To: spaf
jim_kunde@adc.com wrote:
>
>
> There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they
> were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident.
> They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by
> St. Peter.
>
> After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter
> aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in
> heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our
> wedding vows.
>
> Is it possible for people in heaven to get married? St. Peter looked at him
> and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get
> married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that.
> I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
>
> Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian
> angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeat the
> request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait
> five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk
> about it again."
>
> Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get
> married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must
> wait another five years and then I will consider your request." Finally,
> they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after
> their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered,
> "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful
> ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
>
> The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was
> beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and
> Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it,
> the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made
> a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.
>
> So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this
> time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard
> their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to
> find a priest up here in heaven, do you have any idea how long it'll take
> to find a lawyer?"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 2 Nov 1997 17:53:11 -0500 (EST)
From: RexHBlack@aol.com
Subject: Fwd: VPPO
To: spaf
My wife is in the mental-health field, and, let me tell you, this isn't far
from the truth...
Rex
From: gary.dawson@hitachipc.com
Some UCSD humor...
Subject: Fw: health plans
Author: "Adam Lumia" <alumia@ucsd.edu> at ~HIPC-INTERNET
Date: 10/30/97 03:49 PM
A young, promising medical student decides to specialize in sexual disorders
and goes to visit a facility which has just accepted him as an intern. One
of the resident physicians takes him on a tour of the hospital.
All of a sudden, they pass a booth with a young man there masturbating
furiously. The intern turning to his superior asks about the man's problem.
The resident responds, "Oh, that man has an enormously over-active sex drive
and has to have twenty orgasms a day or he becomes seriously ill."
They move on through the hospital and eventually come upon another man in a
booth with his pants down around his ankles and a beautiful blonde nurse on
her knees in front of him lustily servicing him.
The intern inquiring to this man's trouble, the resident replies, "Same
problem, better health plan."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 1997 13:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: God bless us, every one.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jim Thompson <jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM>
From: Jane Lorenzen
They just announced on the radio that Jim Carey bought the movie
rights to Tiny Tim's life story and hopes to play the lead himself.
God bless us, every one.
Jane
[I actually grimaced upon reading this. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 18:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Have you ever sent email? You will.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: dmarti@agdia.com (Don Marti)
Subject: Have you ever sent email? You will.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Date: Wed, 1 Jan 97 19:30:02 EST
This is pretty close to an actual sales call I received. The sales
person's name has been changed. The company name has not. I think
we'll stick with our current provider.
Bob: Hello, I'm Bob ______ from AT&T, and I'm calling to let you know
about the Internet services we offer. Do you have a minute to...
Me: I'm kind of busy right now, but if you could just email me the
information I'll call you back if I'm interested. My address
is...
Bob: Could I have your fax number? We're behind a firewall, so our email
doesn't always get through.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 1997 13:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: HMO FAQ
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jon Loeliger <jdl@jdl.com>
Forwarded-by: Dave Wilt <wilt@chromatic.com>
Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care
-- By David Lubar
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that
a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was
poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical
finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral
slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.
These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no
longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who
is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
half day's drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they
want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to
be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach
ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly
cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery,
but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check
over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one
of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like
windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing
your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and
then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Jan 1997 18:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: I've Met Jesus Twice.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Catherine E. Stanton" <cat@UU.NET>
Excerpted from the "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" mailing list:
Date: Sun, 24 Nov 1996 16:25:21 -0800 (PST)
From: "Mike Sugimoto" <phloem@islandnet.com>
Strangest thing, eh? That *IS* a tough one.
WARNING: CONTAINS STUFF THAT MIGHT OFFEND SOME VIEWERS. SEND YOUNG KIDS
OUT OF THE ROOM IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM SCARRED FOR LIFE, YOU MAY ALSO WANT
TO STOP DRINKING CARBONATED BEVERAGES SO YOU DON'T SPEW IT OUT YOUR NOSE.
The story I like to tell was something I saw in my internship year that
is actually pretty common -- a gentleman came in one evening in no small
amount of pain. After much coaching and prodding from us, it was revealed
that his lover had slipped a steel ring around the base of his penis,
ostenisably to "highten the pleasurable sensation." But this was three
days ago, and he'd tried everything to get it off -- soap, glycerine, oil.
Finally, he'd come to us because the urethal metus had swollen so much he
couldn't urinate any more. We ended up calling maintenance to come with
a set of bolt cutters; chopped off the ring (bet you thought I was gonna
say something else!), gave him some local anti-inflammatories, and sent
him home with a warning to never put anything metal around his genetalia
again. (Rich Clark, a fellow lister, tells a similar story, only his has
to do with a lock and chain wrapped round by a teed-off prostitute.)
My battle story from September of this year is a man who was brought in
by paramedics after he nearly eviscerated himself by trying to juggle
knives. Not only did he have three deep stab wounds in his abdomen, he
also had cuts on his hands and his feet. This is also my nominee for the
1996 Darwin award.
I've retrieved or have assisted on retrival of all kinds of things from
various parts of the lower anatomy -- cucumbers, eggs, Duracell batteries
(from AAA to D), hot dogs and other kinds of tubular meats, shotgun shells
(aie!), and shaving cream cans. Adding on to this is a rise in the number
of lost condom reports. This usually happens because the guys stays in a
bit too long, the erection fades, and clings to the internal surfaces of
whatever he was in. Whoops! Condom's gone. Understandably, these people
aren't exactly going to be digging around down there, so they come to ask
us to help. I'm glad to see people are practicing safe sex, but really,
someone needs to teach them about how to use the tools.
Then there was the gentleman who swallowed a lightbulb..
A young man complained of a "full" feeling in his sinuses, so I grabbed
a nasal speculum and took a quick peek up there -- and saw what looked to
be almost an entire slice of pizza. After suctioning it out, I counted
about nine slices of mushroom, a big wad of cheese, and half a round of
pepperoni.
Speaking of stuff you find up people's noses, parents have brought in kids
that have put Tic Tacs, pills, Smarties/M&Ms, peanuts and other
bean-shaped things up there. I've seen cocaine snorters who, apart from
the permanent nose bleed, have completely disintegrated their nasal septum
so you can thread something up the one nostril and out the other. Makes
packing their nose for that bleed... interesting. Kids will also try to
eat anything -- Silly String, for example. And then there was the time we
saw a kid who decided he wanted to try chewing Silly Putty..
Then there are all the interesting ways people try to kill themselves.
I've seen people who tried to toss themselves out of their apartments
(usually while high), fall eight feet (they live on the second floor),
and end up in Mrs. Fiskin's rose bush. A 15 year old girl tried to commit
suicide by taking six 1 mg tablets of Ativan, which won't do anything to
you aside from make you kind of drowsy. Someone tried to saw through their
wrists using half a pop can. A guy tried to bludgeon himself to death;
another one tried to hold his head under water to kill himself that way.
(What!?)
People seeking drugs are also fun. We admitted a 14 year-old boy to psych
a while ago because he was smoking tea bags and making his lungs bleed.
I've seen people with tubes of contact cement stuck to their faces, and
whipped cream up their noses. There have been folks who tried to smoke
pine cones, and who eat every thing in the forest hoping to find a
peyote-like substance. The best, though, are guys who are high as a kite
on eight different drugs at once, so when we put in the Narcan (a
narcotics antagonist; it clears out any of those drugs real quick), we're
never sure what's going to happen. I had a girl on LSD repeatedly ask me
if she was blue, who demanded to be lead to a sink so she could scrub the
blue away.
Then the psych patients come marching in. I've met Jesus twice, Elvis
three times, as well as James Dean and the re-incarnated spirit of John
F. Kennedy. There have been folks who insist that Fidel Castro is in
charge of all of North America, and that he has implants in everyone's
head to tell them what to do. (Oddly enough, this guy DID have something
in his brain, and it wasn't a tumor, it was a steel plate.) And on full
moons, the lunatics come out -- vampires, werewolves, zombies and the
like. We post guards at the entrance to the morgue on nights like that.
I've got many, many more, but I think that suffices for today. :)
[Sounds vaguely like some of our faculty meetings. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Nov 97 12:28:57 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: IF - not by Rudyard Kipling
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <dan@opnsys.com>
IF
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then, my friend you are almost as good as your dog.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 1997 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: If I'm gonna be impotent, I'm gonna *look* impotent.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um... little
sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her doctor and explains the
situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks
for a little bit, puts his arm around the woman and says, "Listen, I don't
do this for everyone, but since your husband won't live that much longer
anyway... Here's a prescription. Put three drops in a glass of milk
before he goes to bed." The wife leaves, thanking the doctor profusely.
Two weeks later, the woman shows up at the doctor's office and he asks
her how it went. The lady blushes, smiles and says, "Well, I squirted
thirty drops in his milk by accident, and ummmm, well, we just need an
antidote now so we can close the coffin."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 03 Jan 1997 15:42:43 +0000
From: John White <J.R.White@derby.ac.uk>
Subject: I just thought you might like this one...
To: yucks
A man is in a pub talking to his friend and says "You'll never guess what
happened to me last night. I was walking home from the pub and I came across
a women tied to the railway lines near my house. So I untied her and took
her back home where we had great sex all night. She was superb."
"Does she err... give a good blow job?", his friend enquired.
"I don't know", answered the man with a shrug, "I haven't found the head yet"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Nov 1997 10:12:28 -0500
From: "Roberts, Robin" <rroberts@btg.com>
Subject: John Denver Tribute - yucks contribution
To: "'spaf@cs.purdue.edu'" <spaf>
(I did not make this up - got it from somewhere... rr)
Tribute to John Denver:
Oh God I'm An Ocean Buoy
(Sung to the tune of "Thank God I'm a Country Boy")
Took a flight from the farm
and I never came back
Built a plane from a kit
But I didn't have the knack
Jumped in the cockpit
and downed a six-pack
And now I'm an ocean buoy
Well, I grabbed the controls
And I started to fiddle
Got flames coming up
On my face like a griddle
Air flight ain't nothing
But a funny, funny riddle
So now I'm an ocean buoy.
Well, my head's chopped in pieces
And my body's full of dents
They'll identify me
By my guitar's fingerprints
I tried to "dry out"
But instead got a rinse
And now I'm an ocean buoy
Well, it's really far out
When you're down 'neath the water
I just ain't been right
Since I started on the bottle
I reach for Jim Beam
But instead grab the throttle
And now I'm an ocean buoy
Well, I grabbed the controls
And I started to fiddle
Got flames coming up
On my face like a griddle
George Burns appeared beside me
And we prayed just a little
Oh God! I'm an ocean buoy!
The day's just about over
And I'm sinking kinda low
In the undersea world
of Jacques Cousteau
Calypso can you find me
By the bubbles that I blow
'Cause now I'm an ocean buoy.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 04 Jan 1997 08:18:29 +0000
From: Duncan McAlpine <mcalpin@eskimo.com>
Subject: Joke
To: spaf
A Quickie from Sarah:
Q - When is it okay to slap a midget?
A - When he tells you your hair smells good!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 11:13:10 -0500
From: krsul ("Ivan V. Krsul Andrade")
Subject: Jokes...
To: spaf
A man with bad stomach ache goes to his doctor and asks him for help.
The doctor examines him and says that the illness is quite serious,
but can be treated by inserting suppositories up his anal passage. The
man agrees, and the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend
over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands
him a second dose and tells him to repeat the procedure in six
hours. The man goes home and later that evening tries to get the
second suppository inserted, but he finds that he can not obtain the
required depth by himself. He calls his wife over and asks her to do
it for him. The wife agrees, then puts one hand on his shoulder to
steady him, and with the other hand shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asks his
wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man. "But I just realized
that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
====
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take
your house and car with them.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 97 13:34:24 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Managed Caring (R)
To: Fun_People@langston.com
MANAGED CARING (R)
by Richard Liebmann-Smith
(An editor of American Health Magazine.)
=============================================================================
Welcome to Managed Caring(R), a whole new way of thinking about friendship.
The Managed Caring Plan(R) combines all the advantages of a "traditional"
friendship network with important cost-saving features.
* How does it work ?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers. All of your friendship needs are met by
members of your Managed Caring(R) panel.
* What's wrong with my friends ?
If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services
from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where
you've lived, worked, or gone to school The result is costly duplication,
inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards,
responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental
behavior. Under Managed Caring(R), your friendship needs are coordinated by
a designated Best Friend, who Cares(R) about the quality of all your
Friendships.
* How do I know these aren't just a bunch of losers who can't make friends
on their own ?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are
as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(R) in a
cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to focus
on Caring(R) for you rather than devoting their resources to the paperwork
and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of traditional
Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship providers have met
our rigorous standards of loyalty.
* What if I need a Special Friend, say for poker or fishing ?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship
Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery
system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing you
for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to a
Special Friend within the Managed Caring(R) network should your needs fall
outside the scope of his or her excellent training.
* Suppose I want to see friends outside the Managed Caring(R) network? Can
my Best Friend ever refer me to them ?
No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first consulting
your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
* What's that ?
The Managed Caring(R) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365
days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of town,
after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caring(R) for someone
else. You may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely. In such a
case, you may make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship Procedures
delivered in this Emergency Friendship will be covered under the plan,
provided you notify us within two business days.
* What Friendship Procedures are covered under the Plan ?
Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to):
Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out,
checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying, moaning,
gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your back.
* Are any Friendship Procedures not covered under the Plan ?
Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in
excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5,
going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.
* How can I find out if the Friendship Procedure I need is covered ?
If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your
Managed Caring(R) I.D. card to arrange for precertification of the proposed
Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for coverage within
24 business hours.
* But who decides what's appropriate for me ?
We do. Isn't that what friends are for ?
------------------------------
Date: 10 Jan 97 7:03:14
From: Warren Moore <warren.moore@cbis.com>
Subject: PLEASE CONFIRM THIS.
To: sneakers <sneakers@CS.YALE.EDU>
Personally, I like this one better....
"Good Times Virus...Release 2.0"
There's a new virus that will re-write your hard drive.
Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even
close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's
coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will
demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the
tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-girl or boyfriend your new phone
number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all
your wine and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's
company coming over. It will put a dead squirrel in the back pocket of
your good pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes 2.0 will make you fall in love with a penguin. It
will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour
sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while
dating your girl or boyfriend behind your back and billing the
dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if
she is dead; such is the power of Goodtimes 2.0. It reaches out
beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you
can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous
messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and
subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather
interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes 2.0 will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will
leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphe-
tamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on
the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with
your new snowblower.
Goodtimes 2.0 will prompt your mother to call on Friday and
Saturday nights for two months after you make a new
girlfriend/boyfriend. It will place your wallet and keys on an
obscure shelf in the basement. It will emulate your face and stare
into the neighbor's bathroom window.
Goodtimes 2.0 has been linked to cancer in laboratory mice. 9 out
of 10 dentists recommend Goodtimes.
Goodtimes 2.0 will make your bloomers shrink two sizes, and it
will make you gain 15 pounds. If this results in a wedgie, then
Goodtimes will leave a nasty skid mark.
* PLEASE listen to me! The "GoodTimes" virus DOES NOT does
not exist!! Neither does any virus which claims to be spread via
e-mail. E-mail messages are TEXT FILES ! ! ! *
But just to be safe, better run that virus scanner now that you've read this!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 12:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@Kithrup.COM>
Men don't want to know what is on TV, they want to know what ELSE
is on TV.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 97 14:53:51 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: QOTD - 1/15/97 - H. L. Mencken
To: Fun_People@langston.com
The iconoclast proves enough when he proves by his blasphemy that this or
that idol is defectively convincing - that at least one visitor to the
shrine is left full of doubts. The liberation of the human mind has been
best furthered by gay fellows who heaved dead cats into sanctuaries and then
went roistering down the highways of the world, proving to all men that
doubt, after all, was safe - that the god in the sanctuary was a fraud.
One horse-laugh is worth ten-thousand syllogisms.
--H.L.Mencken
[Currently, I am a cynic. I strive to be an iconoclast. With practice,
I hope to be a curmudgeon. I was introduced once at a conference as
"A well-known iconoclast -- you know, someone who looks at sacred cows
and thinks of meatloaf recipes." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Jan 1997 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Alex Harvey <harvey@norbert.acf.nyu.edu>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
We astronomers really can be spherical bastards," said one scientist.
Not having heard the term before, I leaned over and inquired what he
meant, "Spherical bastard" he repeated, "a term left over from Edwin
Hubbble's day to describe a malcontent from any angle.
-- Eric J. Chaisson, "The Hubble Wars"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Nov 1997 09:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: There's a newsgroup for every need.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: cat@va.pubnix.com (Cat Stanton)
From: jrgill@hotmail.REMOVExTHISyTOzREPLY.com
Newsgroups: alt.support.childfree
Subject: Gory Conversations about Pregnancy
Date: Thu, 30 Oct 1997 16:35:09 GMT
A couple of jobs ago, I worked for a big non-profit organization. My
department was about 80% women, the whole org was about 70%. Nothing wrong
with that in itself, and I learned to tolerate or avoid the baby debuts and
sick kids in the cubicles because daycare wouldn't take them (yes, I got sick
alot because of it. I started buying big cans of Lysol that I would spray
around my cube. And I didn't get the Country Fresh scent. If they are going
to treat the workplace like a sickroom, it oughta smell like it.)
But when the yenta in the cube next to me got pregnant and the other breeders
descended upon the blessed cubicle, it got real bad. I was treated to almost
daily discussions of every vile detail of pregnancy and childbirth. Several
times I tried to politely (by coughing, etc.) to remind them that I was on
the other side of a 5 ft partition and hearing every word they said. They
would usually at least lower their voices for a time but that was all. I then
tried making exclamations of interest like "Hmm!" "Wow!" and "That's
Amazing" when they would mention words like 'uterus', 'vagina', or 'nipple'.
(I considered doing a Beavis-and-Butthead laugh, but it wouldn't convey the
sarcasm I was shooting for.) They usually subsided in embarrassment, until
the next time. I was getting an idea of what it is like to be sexually
harrassed in the workplace.
I had finally had enough when the discussion turned to prolapsed uteruses and
mucus plugs. I stood up and looked over the partition, and in a loud voice
said "YOU KNOW, MY SCROTUM HAS BEEN FEELING RATHER CHAFED TODAY. AND MY
HEMORRHOIDS ARE ACTING UP AGAIN I THINK. HOW ABOUT YOU?" They turned beet
red and said "Sorry, are we bothering you?" I looked directly at the
expectant mother and said "Yes. I really don't need to know about your uterus
and vagina." Me, a male coworker, looking directly at her and talking about
her vagina apparently embarrassed her enough to get my point across. From
then on they looked to see if I was in and took the discussion elsewhere if
so.
[And some people still ask why I dropped out of Usenet. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 Jan 97 23:10:47 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Warning Labels for Common Products
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Eric Steese <ecscc@olywa.net>
Forwarded-by: C. Cameli
Forwarded-by: Grace Landel <glandel@u.washington.edu>
Forwarded-by: "L. Saari" <linnaes@u.washington.edu>
Forwarded-by: ROGER KELLENBERGER <KELLENBERGER@worldnet.att.net>
Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to make up absurd warning labels
for common products. We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy:
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield
in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it
wasn't made up.
Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath
water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home
pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation
device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata -- On a cup of McDonald's coffee:
Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Honorable Mentions
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)
On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined
that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack
by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex
surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into
exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to
steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim
Gaffney, Manassas)
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith
Daniel, Washington)
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry
Robin, Gaithersburg)
On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which
has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure
and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you
looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological
warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug
Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image
of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the
photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,
Charlottesville)
On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Dec 1996 11:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Wooden Ships and Iron Men
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM (Jim Thompson)
From: Sam Schull <ses@Tadpole.COM>
In response to popular demand for a re-run, we offer the following from
a tale related by the chief curator of the National Park Service, and
printed in no less an authoritative source than Oceanographic Ships, Fore
and Aft, published by the Oceanographer of the Navy. It has to do with
a cruise of the 204-foot frigate USS Constitution, in 1779. We quote:
"On August 23, 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston loaded with
475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 11,500
pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum. Her mission: to destroy
and harass English shipping.
On October 6, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300
gallons of rum. Three weeks later the Constitution reached the Azores,
where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 6,300 gallons of
Portugese wine.
On November 18, the ship set sail for England where her crew captured and
scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard their rum.
But the Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she made her way
unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here her landing party
captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 40,000 gallons aboard and
headed for home.
On February 20, 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon
shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no whiskey. Just 48,600 gallons of
water."
We refrain from comment.
[Although this does NOT sound like some of our faculty meetings, I
sort of wish it did. :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 1997 12:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Kevin Dunlap <KevinD@MetaInfo.com>
Forwarded-by: David Clarke[SMTP:DAVIDCL@Attachmate.com]
Forwarded-by: Jody DeCuire
Forwarded-by: Andy Boyer[SMTP:aboyer@prognet.com]
Forwarded-by: Chris Hall <chris.hall@attws.com>
25 Rules for Women:
1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a
great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to
your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact,
constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all
our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap,
J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us"
and "the relationship".
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the
dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are,
watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and
picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want
to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are
always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why
this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good
sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor
of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan.
Just accept that.
20. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal
Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and
Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown,
Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of
post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a
ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never,
ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces
at us and only add to our discomfort.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Dec 96 15:32:33 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot <lsc@netcom.com>
Subject: zen for stupid people (from VooDoo)
To: bc@wetware.com, diana_chabot@ccm.jf.intel.com, lindac@qnet.com
------- Forwarded Message
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 23:58:33 -0500
From: hmcmanus@MIT.EDU (Hugh McManus)
Subject: If you type a joke, and don't email it, is it funny?
- ----- Stolen from VooDoo (typos and all) -----
(not usually a good sign...)
ZEN FOR STUPID PEOPLE
Thomas Colthurst
By popular demand, we present ZEN FOR STUPID PEOPLE, a collection of Zen
koans, riddles, and parables for folks who watch too much daytime TV.
*What is the sound of two hands clapping?
*If a tree falls in forest, and someone is around to hear it, does it make
a noise?
*If you meet the Bhudda in the road... well, step aside! Make way! This
the THE Buhdda we're talking about!
*A monk came to Joshu and asked "What is Zen?". Joshu replied "Have you
eaten your rice?". The monk said "Yes." Joshu responded "Well, go ahead
and have seconds! There's plenty enough to go around!". Hearing this, the
monk was not enlightened.
*Two monks were arguing about a flag. One said, "The flag is moving." The
other said, "The wind is moving." A Zen Master happened to be passing by.
He admonished them, saying, "Don't you guys have anything better to argue
about? Jesus!"
*One day Tokusan told his student Ganto, "I have two monks who have been
here for many years. Go and examine them." Ganto picked upan ax and went
to the hut where the two monks were meditating. He raised the ax, saying,
"If you say a word I will cut off you heads; and if you do not say a work,
I will also cut off your heads." Both monks continued their meditation as
if he had not spoken. Ganto dropped the ax and said, "You are true Zen
students." He returned to Tokusan and related the incident. Tokusan
immedieately had him arrested as a homocidal maniac.
*Question: "Does a dog have Buddha-nature?" Answer: "No."
*Question: "Why did Bodhidharma come from India into China?" Answer: "He
was bored."
*Zen is drinking when you are thirsty, sleeping when you are tired, and
taking the trash out on Tuesdays.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------